“Of course.” I let him take my hand entwining our fingers together.
“I’m sorry Maddy for what I said. I was just so angry after seeing you on the dance floor with him. I’m sorry what I did with Caroline in return.” He walks us down my driveway. We start walking towards the main road of town.
“It’s ok, you are probably right, I have always put Trent’s life in front of my own.” I shrug. I want to tell him not always but I don’t know if I can.
“Oh Maddy, I didn’t mean it like that. I was just pissed, you picked him over me again.” He admits.
“No I didn’t.” I stop walking, looking at him with the moonlight streaming across his face. God he’s gorgeous. “If you would have stayed yesterday you would have known I didn’t pick him. I was comforting him, he is going through hard times right now.”
“You mean his ankle and maybe not being able to play again. Jesus Maddy, don’t you see it?” He shakes his head. “You are his crutch, his savior. You are there for him when he feels down or unsure of himself but as soon as he’s better he drops you.” But before I can respond. “Sorry, I guess I am still angry.” He turns us around walking but drops my hand.
“Not always Gabe, he saw me through a time I didn’t think I would survive.” I disclose to him. It is time he knows the truth that I have been keeping from him. I am sure after he hears this he won’t want me anymore.
“What are you talking about Maddy?” He questions knowing he has been the one there to lift me up when I am down.
“I never told you.” I shake my head leading us towards town. I have to take him and tell him the story.
“What Maddy? What did you not tell me?” His voice seems panicked reminding me how much he cares for me.
“Just listen, ok? It’s going to be hard to get out, I don’t want to remember but I want to tell you, ok?” I stop walking putting my hand on his arm.
He nods in agreement and I start revealing my story to him scared as hell he will walk away from me.
“Remember Bill Monroe and what happened?” I ask him knowing he remembers. You don’t forget when someone you love is almost raped.
“Of course.” He responds.
I take a deep breath in and out finding Gabe looking at me in apprehension. “I was pregnant when it happened.” My eyes start to water.
“Don’t Maddy, its ok. You don’t have to take yourself back there.”
“Yes I do. Gabe, you deserve to know this.” I wipe the tears taking another deep breath allowing myself to talk. “It was Trent’s baby, well…you probably already figured that.” I shrug. “Since the fight between Bill Monroe and myself was so violent I miscarried that night.”
“I’m sorry.” His voice a whisper. I should have known he would feel sorry for me when this is about me keeping a secret from him.
“Anyway, Trent and I had plans to move to New York and have the baby together. After I miscarried I shut him out. I couldn’t handle it. Your mom came in the room and took over until I cried enough to fill ten buckets.”
“My mom knew?” Disbelief that the people he loves deceived him.
“Yeah, sorry. I swore her to secrecy. Anyway, after I got out of the hospital I couldn’t even get out of bed and Trent had to get to New York to start practice with the team. I told him I wasn’t going to go, that he probably didn’t want me anyway since I killed his baby. I shut everyone out. He stayed back with me telling the team a personal matter came up and he couldn’t make it. The general manager threatened to take away his signing bonus if he didn’t get there the next day but Trent stayed with me for two more weeks. He would come into my room at night and hold me when I cried but would give me the space I needed during the day.” I heave a sigh my mind remembering the darkest time in my life.
Gabe grabs my hand again squeezing it in encouragement. I smile over at him in appreciation and he smiles back. Oh how I love this man.
“One night Trent came in my room and I assumed he was going to climb into bed with me but he was fully dressed with his backpack slung over his shoulder. He told me to get my ass out of bed and get dressed. I fought him but he dragged me out of the bed throwing my clothes to me. I was so mad at him but I followed quietly behind him.” Following the streets I ran earlier I see we are almost there. Gabe doesn’t know where I am taking him but it is important that hears this part of my life.
“He told me to get in his truck. I followed his directions mumbling obscenities to myself. He didn’t talk to me the whole ride and I stared out the window brewing silently. Then he turned in here.” I motion at the cemetery in front of me and Gabe now.
“Oh Maddy.” Gabe might have already known where we were going but he appears surprised when I stop in front starting to walk up the long sidewalk. He seems reluctant to follow me but he does.
“Grabbing his backpack he held my hand tight as we walked up to my father’s headstone. I had been back many times since his funeral but I knew Trent never came. Him taking me there made me more furious, it brought back the time he disappointed me the most. Now he thought I would find some kind of strength in coming here. I started screaming at him, telling him everything I felt, how he had thrown me aside all those years. I told him I hated him and never wanted to see him again. That he should go to New York without me and live the happy bachelor life he always wanted. He wrapped his arms around me tight so I would stop beating his chest. Tears were streaming down my face and all I wanted to do was run but he wouldn’t let me leave. He must have held me for fifteen minutes before I finally relaxed from exhaustion. I sulked into his arms not wanting to face my dad. To tell him what happened to me. I felt ashamed of myself. That I had disappointed him.” Gabe and I walk through the black rod ironed gate and I wipe the tears from my face. Gabe is silent, giving me the time to continue.
“I knelt down in front of his headstone apologizing for what happened and I was surprised at how much better it made me feel. Trent sat next to me the whole time with his hand on my back. Then he opened his backpack and pulled out that angel.” I point to the small angel statue on the right of my dad’s headstone.
“He said we were going to grieve for our child and this statue would represent the baby we lost. Sobs escaped from me and I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t think I could do it but he pushed me to hold it and say good-bye. He said we couldn’t move on until we mourned. He said this angel would sit by my dad’s side since he was watching over our baby looking down on us. That night Trent and I said good-bye to our baby and I finally started to slowly heal a little.” I didn’t want to go into too much detail with Gabe about how we stayed there until sunrise and how hard it was for me to walk away but Trent gave me the strength to make it down that hill. That was mine and Trent’s moment together and no matter what, it was between us, not to be shared with others.
My fingers brush along the angel and slow tears run down my cheeks. It was the worst time of my life but I have healed. I don’t blame myself as much anymore. I have learned to live and survive. Now I must look at Gabe and see the disappointment on his face. I don’t want to turn around and see how he sees me different now.
“Turn around Maddy.” Gabe requests. He had been giving me my space sitting on the cement bench a few steps away.
I shake my head no so he steps forward coming down to his knees beside me.
“I know it’s not enough but I’m so sorry. I wish you would have told me so I could have helped you but I understand.” He put his arm around my shoulders pulling me to him. “That was you and Trent’s time. He needed to see you through that and I am glad he stepped up to the plate.”
“I’m sorry I never told you.” I start to pick up my head to look in his eyes but he keeps me where I am. Oh god, he can’t look at me.