too young at the time to truly understand what healthy relationships were all about.
Some of my relationships ended because after the sex we realized that we had nothing else in common. There were no other threads to hold us
in place.
I broke up with Tim when I realized that he wasn’t what I wanted for my future. He was the type of guy who only cared about himself and his
needs. I didn’t need anyone to take care of me, but I did want someone to love me enough to try.
When I was with Dean, his broken heart became my mission to fix. He was a few years older than me and had already been married once and
on his way through a divorce. He also had a three-year-old son caught in the mix.
I really cared for his little boy. When I was around him I tried to be a good stand-in mother, until Dean reminded me one day that I wasn’t his son’s
mother and that he had no intentions to ever have another child with anyone. That was when he stopped touching me.
My engagement with Thomas ended harshly, with bitter words and horrible accusations. I remembered all too clearly walking into his apartment
to find him in bed with someone else. I’m pretty sure he planned it that way. He let me be the one to end the relationship so he wouldn’t have to. Me
barging in on him gave him one more reason to think his affairs were justified.
Even though I thought I was in love with these men at one time or another, I don’t think I truly ever was. There was always something missing -
that cosmic, soul mate connection; the feeling that the two parts make a whole.
I didn’t want someone who would have to force himself to love me or for me to pretend that I loved him back. I had always hoped that love would
be mutually instinctual and natural – as easy as breathing.
I turned the light out on my nightstand when I had enough of thinking about my past failures.
One thing was for sure: Ryan had resurrected that one part of my heart that still clung to the hope of love’s possibilities.
I was dreaming about my father and wondered why he wasn’t answering the phone. The telephone was on the table right next to his favorite
chair in the living room where he was sitting. Was he sleeping in his chair? Dad, answer the phone!
I opened my eyes to realize that it was my cell phone that was ringing.
“Hello?” I answered, my voice sounded rough from just waking.
“Were you still sleeping?” Ryan asked.
“Yeah. What time is it?” I looked to my nightstand for the clock. It was 8:42.
“Quarter to nine,” he muttered. “Do you want to go back to sleep?”
“No, that’s okay. How are you?” I hoped he was safe.
“I’m all right. Sorry I didn’t call you yesterday. I fell asleep in my trailer and I slept all the way until eight this morning. I thought you might have tried
calling me.”
“Oh, good. So you’re all right?” I questioned, sitting up in bed.
“Yeah. Why?” He sounded confused.
“There was something on the news last night about some girls getting arrested? I was so worried about you!” I couldn’t control the magnitude of
my concern.
“Why didn’t you call me then?” he asked.
I didn’t answer right away. I thought about what I was going to say. “Ryan, I don’t want to bother you. You have enough to deal with.”
“Huh. Taryn, you can call me anytime you want. Don’t ever feel like you’re bothering me. Just so you know, I turn my phone off when I’m filming,
but as soon as I see I missed your call I’ll call you back.”
I shook my head in silence. Every time I initiated the telephone calls with guys in the past, eventually they would make me feel like I was
pestering or smothering them. I had heard the words “I just need some space” mentioned before, and it was pretty much a guarantee that they
would end up running in the opposite direction after that. Ryan would be leaving soon enough; I didn’t want to give him one more reason to run
faster.
“Taryn, are you still there?” He sounded annoyed.
“Yes, I’m still here.”
“You didn’t answer my question,” he stated directly. “Are you afraid to call me?”
“I can’t,” I whispered. My reply was so truthful on many levels.
“What do you mean you can’t?”
“I don’t have your number.” I hoped my lie sounded convincing.
“You’re a bad liar, you know that? Good thing you’re not an actress, ‘cause you’d be out of work.” He chuckled. “My number has been on every
text I sent you. Huh, this is so strange. People I don’t want to talk to call me all the time but the one person I really want to hear from is afraid to call
me. The next time I see you, I’m going to program your phone. I may even put in my own ringtone just to irritate you.”
“Is that a threat or a promise?” I tried to lighten the conversation.
“Oh, that’s definitely a promise! Then you won’t have any excuses,” he snickered. “So let’s practice today, shall we? I have to work the entire
day. I’m scheduled to shoot until eleven o’clock but I have a dinner break around seven. I expect to hear my phone ring sometime between seven
and seven thirty. That gives you a half hour window of flexibility to call at your convenience. Now, answer this question truthfully. Do you still have my
text messages or did you delete them all?”
“No, I still have them.” I smiled.
“Then you, sweetheart, have no excuse… unless you just don’t want to talk to me? Shit, I didn’t consider that, but now that I’m thinking about it, I
guess I should ask. Do you want to see me or not?”
I want to see you more than you could ever imagine. I took a deep breath. Keep it light, Taryn.
“We’re friends, right? Why wouldn’t I want to see you?”
“Phew,” he breathed. “That’s a relief. Good, so um, what did the news report have to say about what happened on set?”
“The reporter said that the police had to remove a hundred or so fans from the set and two women were arrested. Apparently one of them
threatened Suzanne? Were you there when it happened?”
“Yeah, I was. We were shooting a scene on the beach but I was watching the playback reel when it happened. I heard someone yelling, but I had
headphones on so I didn’t hear what was said.”
“The news didn’t mention what was said either. Just that the one girl yelled some obscenities and threats at Suzanne. They showed footage of
the two girls that were arrested.”
“You’re kidding me?” Ryan groaned.
“I hope you have extra security on hand, because some of these fans are terrifying,” I urged. “Wanting pictures and autographs is one thing, but
death threats are completely another.”
“Yeah, I was told last night that there would be additional private security brought in while we’re here.” I could hear the anger enter into his tone.
There was a loud rap on his door. “Hang on,” I heard him shout out.
“Tar – I got to go. Are you going to call me tonight?”
“Yes. During your dinner break. I promise.”
I was too awake to try to go back to sleep. The sound of his voice had already stimulated my blood. I wandered out to the living room, sat down
at my desk, and turned my laptop on. I had to reconcile the cash register receipts and enter it into my log.
My e-mail was filled again with thirty new messages, mostly from Uncle Al, who recently got his first computer after fifty-five years. Between him
and a few other relatives, they were trying to corner the market on bad e-mail jokes.
There was one new message from Marie, with a tempting subject line: “Ryan in Seaside.”
“You should watch this. This is one of the best scenes from his movie. And since you haven’t seen it yet, you should at least know how good of