IT HAS HAPPENED ONE other time. Four days before my high school graduation to be exact. I drove thirty minutes to another small town to buy a test where no one would know me. I’d stopped at our crumby little gas station—the type where you still have to go inside to ask for the key.
I remember my hands shaking so badly I almost didn’t get the package open before I peed my pants. I held it under me, praying to God that there would only be one line showing in five minutes.
As I held the test in my hand, I stared at the stained white walls processing what my future would hold if I didn’t get the result I was praying for. There would have been no college, at least not in the dorms. Derek would’ve had to make a choice between a life with me, and the life he had planned. I was pretty sure he would choose me, and maybe we would get married, and it would all work out. And then I thought about how I would tell my parents. That would’ve been the worst part.
And tonight as I look down at the test, the result is different than it was all those years ago.
A prayer didn’t save me this time. I bite down on my lower lip, trying to process it all. This time, it’s not the future that scares me, or making the phone call to my mother to let her know I’m taking life’s steps a little backwards. It’s telling someone he’s going to be a father.
Someone I’ve only known for less than a year. Someone who I’ve never discussed marriage or kids with. Someone who can’t even say I love you because he’s too afraid of losing me over it. Someone I’ve only been back together with for four weeks.
“Lila, are you still in here? I’m ready to get something to eat.”
I stand, straightening the skirt of my dress and open the door. Reece peers in. “Why are you crying?” she asks.
I hold the white plastic stick up. Her eyes widen as she comes closer. “Oh. My. God.”
“What am I going to do?” I ask, shifting back and forth on my heels.
She looks around to make sure no one else is inside. “Who’s is it?”
“It’s mine,” I say, visibly shaking.
“I know that, but whose baby is it?”
My lips tremble. I never thought the day would come when someone would have to ask me whose baby I’m carrying. “It has to be Blake’s. I used condoms with Pierce as far as I can remember, but Blake and I haven’t been.” I pause, glancing down at the two pink lines again. I keep thinking this is a dream I’ll wake up from, but it isn’t.
“Aren’t you on the pill?”
I shake my head. “I’ve been taking the shots instead. I did the math, and the last one expired a couple months ago.”
“You need to tell him. You can’t do this by yourself.”
“I’ll tell him tonight. I just don’t know how he’s going to take it,” I admit.
“He loves you.”
I shrug. I hope he does.
“Maybe you should take the rest of the day off and process this,” she suggests as the tears continue to roll down my cheeks.
She’s right. There’s no chance in hell my mind is going to be able to focus on anything else. “Can I get a rain check for lunch? I’m going to let Pierce know I’m leaving and try to catch the 1:00 train.”
“Of course, and you better call me if you need anything. I’d be more than happy to bring a pint of ice cream over.”
I tuck the test into a plastic bag and toss it in my purse. I have no idea what I’m going to do with it, but I’m not ready to let it go just yet.
She hugs me and waits while I wash my hands, passing me a paper towel. I wish I could rewind a few weeks and do things all over again, but this is one thing I’m just going to have to live with.
I walk quickly back to my desk, noticing I have twenty minutes until the next train leaves. Too blotchy from crying, I pick up the phone, hoping Pierce will answer.
He does on the third ring. “I was just about to call you.”
“Is there something I can help with?” I ask, throwing some work into my bag.
“Are you okay?”
“Yes. Why?”
“You sound as if you’ve been crying. If he hurt you, I’ll—”
“He didn’t do anything. I’m just not feeling well. I was calling to tell you I’m taking the afternoon off,” I say, keeping my voice as steady as possible.
“Our trip to New York got moved up to tomorrow instead of Wednesday,” he announces.
Pressing my fingertips to my temples, I massage slowly. “What time?”
“Eight. My car will pick you up at 7:30.”
“Okay. If you need anything this afternoon, don’t be afraid to call,” I add, feeling terrible about bailing before a big meeting.
“Hope you feel better.”
“Thank you.”
I haven’t said anything to Pierce yet about leaving after the hotel project is complete, but I’ve hinted at it. He sees the writing on the wall.
With only minutes left before the train stops, I pull my purse over my shoulder and scurry to the elevator. Once inside, I watch the numbers go down hoping the elevator doesn’t stop as each one passes. With three minutes to spare, my heels click across the lobby floor. I run as fast as I can, hopping on the train right before it roars down the tracks.
The ride is just long enough to sort out my thoughts and worries. It’s already done—there’s a baby growing inside of me—and whether he decides to stick by me isn’t up to me.
He could walk, but all I really want him to do is hold me and tell me everything will be okay. I need a partner in this. I need my lover.
As I climb the stairs, I’m undecided as to whether I want him to be home or if I’d rather have time alone with my secret.
I’m relieved when the door is locked. I slip my key in and step into the quiet apartment, setting my stuff down on one of the dining room chairs.
There’s one place in this small apartment that relaxes me. I turn on the bath water, pouring in the rest of the lavender Blake bought me several weeks ago. The sweet fragrance fills the air as I undress, tossing my work clothes haphazardly across the floor.
The scent alone brings back memories of that night, the night we may have created this baby. After testing the temperature with my toe, I sink deep into the water letting it flow over my shoulders.
With no distractions, I let my mind wander off. I envision a little girl dressed in one of the frilly little outfits my mom always put me in. She’d have my red hair and curls, with any luck. I see her giggling, and I wonder what I would name her. Something pretty, yet simple. Something that would match the strength I’d hope she’d have.
Then I picture a little boy with Blake’s dimple and light, sandy hair. I picture him in Blake’s studio covered in paint, smiling at me with the same mischievous grin Blake often wears. He’d be a heartbreaker … that’s for sure.
“There you are,” Blake says, scaring me enough that water splashes from the tub.
I cover my chest, attempting to catch my breath. “I didn’t hear you come in.”
He sits on the edge of the tub. “I wasn’t expecting you to be home.”
“I wasn’t feeling very well, so I decided to take the afternoon off.”
Leaning in, he rubs the backs of his fingers across my cheek. “Can I get you anything?”
I shake my head.
“Is there anything I can do to make it better?”
“You could get in here with me.”
He smirks, staring down at my bare breasts. “Nothing would make me happier,” he remarks, pulling his shirt over his head. His movements put me in a deep trance—quietly studying the ridges of his stomach as he unbuttons his jeans letting them fall next to my clothes.
He slides in across from me, his eyes glued to mine. He pulls my legs between his. “Are you going to tell me what’s wrong?”
There are times in life when words just aren’t enough. Or when words are too much. I stand on my knees and straddle his lap as my lips crash into his. I push until my teeth hurt because that’s how much I love him … I love him so much it hurts.