“I’ll fix it.”
“Lie,” I fired back, completely out of control even as I saw the hurt cross his features. “You ruined it!”
“I will fix it. I’ll get the money back. I’ll take care of it.”
“Another lie,” I said, fuming as the loss overcame me and I began to cry. “You hardly ever do what you say you will. You are nothing but a liar. No!” I snapped as he took a step toward me, remorse clear in his features.
“Stay the hell away from me,” I sobbed. “How am I supposed to forgive you for this?” Jayden stood looking at me, completely lost. “How am I supposed to forgive you? Answer me!”
“You aren’t,” he answered in a low voice. “Don’t.”
“What?” I asked, confused. I turned my attention away from my survey of my nose in the mirror to look back at him.
He slid down against the hall wall, putting his hands on his head.
“Jayden,” I said, knowing exactly what he was about to say. “It’s not happening.”
“I don’t want to hurt you anymore.”
“Well, it’s going to happen. I was angry. I’m still angry,” I said, standing my ground. “But I’m sorry for what I said.”
“I know,” he said, pulling his sad blue eyes up to mine. Still covered in his workday, his clothes filthy, he looked edible and beautiful and completely destroyed by what I’d just said. “You deserve a guy who can give you things. Things I can’t afford.”
“Bullshit,” I said, taking the seat on the opposite wall.
“And a guy who won’t fuck up your dinner or your good mood by telling you he doesn’t like your dress.”
“I get over that shit, Jayden, stop it!” I looked to see his eyes fill with tears.
“You deserve more. Better than what I can do,” he said simply. “You have ambition and I... don’t. I have no desire to do anything more than what I’m doing right now. Can you honestly say that’s enough for you?”
“We’re married,” I pushed out.
“Maybe we shouldn’t be,” he whispered.
I clutched my chest as my heart shattered. “Don’t you dare,” I threatened.
“You kept your promise, baby, and I believe you always would if I let you, but I love you enough to realize, I may very well fuck up your life. Asking you to deal with this was selfish, and I told you that. I’m not ever going to be under control. I’m not ever going to be easy to deal with. I’m not ever going to be that man.”
“And I married you because you weren’t. It was a fight. We will have more.” I stood, no longer willing to listen to anymore of his nonsense. “I’ll just borrow against the house fund. We can save more money later.”
“Hil—” Jayden protested.
“I don’t want to hear it, whatever it is.”
“You deserve someone you aren’t afraid to have babies with.” He looked up at me as my face crumbled.
“You are afraid of me, no matter how much you try to hide it.”
“That’s not true,” I said, voice trembling. “It’s not.”
“It is,” he said as a lone tear fell down his cheek. “Because I’m afraid, too.”
“It’s not like you blow up every day, Jayden. It’s been so long since—”
“But it’s only been ten minutes since you have,” Jayden said as he ran his hands through his hair. “I brought that out of you with my shit.”
“I was hurt, angry. I’ve had to let go of a lot worse from you.”
“And you shouldn’t have to,” he said, resigned as he stood to look down at me. “Look at your face,” he groaned as his tears came down heavy. “The way you are looking at me.”
“Jayden, we’ll get through it. Don’t make this more than it is.”
“It is more, Hilary. I’m just stating the truth. You want to know what goes on inside my head? I’ll make it simple. I’m not going to be able to be the husband you need. I can’t hand you the things that you want. I’m not capable of a lot of the things other husbands can do. And I’m tired of feeling guilty about it.”
“Selfish,” I said as new hurt blossomed in my chest. “That’s selfish.”
Squaring my shoulders, I didn’t give myself time to think through my words. “You aren’t doing this. I won’t let you do this. I’ll fight you every step of the way.”
“Baby, listen—”
“No, you listen. If I don’t get to love you, who will? Are you going to go through your entire life letting women fall for you and push them away when things get hard for them? For you? How many women will you go through after me, and which one of them do you think could possibly love you more? Is this what you want for you? And what about me and the fact that I’m not myself when we aren’t together? That every single day I pride myself on loving you and on being your wife, regardless of the bullshit we face. You mean everything to me.” I pushed his chest.
“I can live without you, but I refuse to and you aren’t going to make the choice for me. What part of I do didn’t you understand?” I sobbed as I twisted my ring.
“I’m trying to understand. I’ve accepted you as you are, but I’m still allowed to be angry when I feel it, and sad and disappointed and all of those things. But they don’t amount to shit in comparison to how good we have it. We are worth it.” I looked at him and gave him pure honesty with my next words.
“I can forgive you for almost anything, but if you ever threaten ending us again, I will never forgive you that.” I made my way into the bedroom and closed the door behind me.
I would love to say we kissed and made up after that day, but the truth was we were arguing incessantly about money we didn’t have and bills we couldn’t afford to pay because of Jayden’s careless spending. I was spending more time on the web in an attempt to start my business than I was making my marriage a priority. I was starting to shy away from Jayden as well and he called me on it every chance he got. Things seemed bleak and it only added insult to injury that I hadn’t allowed him to touch me intimately in weeks. I was too busy mourning our former relationship to work on the one I was currently in. Words were said, promises were broken, and at one point he’d accused me of leaving him while I was still living with him.
“You may still have your clothes in the closet, Hilary, but you have one foot out of the door. I’m trying here. I can’t do it alone.” And he was right. I was withdrawing. And I was breaking my own heart and playing the hypocrite. I had told him never to threaten us with separation and there I was putting the space between us. The change was slow, but was becoming more and more present. Even with vows between us and all the love I felt, my heart was forming a sort of barricade. He was becoming less interested in my new business venture and I was having a hard time holding his attention. The tension was there, it was palpable and it felt very much like resentment.
And it was, on both our parts. As much as I wanted to, I was having a hard time forgiving him. Jayden’s resentment stemmed from the promise I’d made almost a year ago: my promise to never leave him. The distance between us was growing at an alarming rate and yet no part of me wanted to be away from him. No part of me was resigned to give up. Somehow, I’d become afraid of the carefree heart I so desperately needed to embrace and hold onto.
Staring into space at work, weeks after my blowup, I suddenly had an overwhelming urge for answers. I needed help and I needed it desperately. I picked up my purse and informed Marcy that I just needed a day. She seemed to understand and let me slip out of work quietly. I began to drive around aimlessly, trying to think of a way to get a piece of what Jayden and I had back. I loved him more than ever. Our life together was beautiful...until it wasn’t. I couldn’t understand how something so incredible could turn into something so damned hopeless. I still craved him like a drug...his smile, his embrace, his friendship. And I was also denying myself sexually as well as Jayden. I needed our connection back, and for some reason I couldn’t allow myself to believe in it. He was trying so hard, so why wasn’t I? I drove for an hour before stopping the car to let my emotion go. He hadn’t had another episode in months. I couldn’t understand the source of my unrest. I needed something...anything. An idea dawned on me and I quickly Googled the address.