“Exactly.”
“I hope that doesn’t wane,” I said under my breath. Dr. Sawyer heard it but simply smiled as he looked at his board.
“Okay, now we get to impulse control or lack thereof. This can be dangerous on several levels. ADHD patients can randomly insult someone spur of the moment because they don’t always think their words through, or act impulsively, putting themselves in harm’s way, leading to physical hurt. This is one of the most dangerous aspects of ADHD. It can lead to serious issues and is one of the main reasons for medication. It can also result in other things you might deem spontaneous and fun but can actually be harmful in the long run. Impulse purchases you may not be able to afford they may deem necessary. A comment to a friend or family member that could lead to—”
“The bruises,” I said absently, getting the doctor’s attention. “He comes home with bruises a lot and his employer said he injures himself often. This is impulse?”
“Yes, and it’s also a clear indicator of our primary symptom: attention deficit. People with ADHD have a difficult time keeping focus at work, often leading to job loss or disciplinary issues.”
Dread coursed through my veins when I thought of how Jayden had repeatedly come home hurt. Mostly minor injuries, but alarming just the same.
“And this can only be treated with medication?”
“Yes, there is no cure for ADHD. They are at risk, like every other person who opts out of medication. Temper outburst, no matter how short lived, can lead to destructive behavior with real and possibly legal consequences. His impulse can get them physically hurt or cause severe problems in your marriage or with family and friends due to lack of control.”
“He refuses to even discuss meds,” I said, feeling my face pale.
“I understand this reasoning, and though I still won’t go into specifics, you have noticed the routine created.”
“Yes, everyday like clockwork. It never ends and he rarely strays from it.”
“It’s their way of coping, and so far it’s been extremely successful. A lot of people with ADHD are extremely disorganized and have a hard time pulling their weight around the house. In this case, putting a positive spin on his housework has eliminated some of the most problematic symptoms because he stays organized. Deterring from their routine can cause anxiety levels to rise and may lead to outbursts. This is where social anxiety, or being afraid of the unknown, can come into play.”
“This is so on point,” I said, exasperated. “To the point of OCD.”
Dr. Sawyer chuckled. “Choose your battles ...” He paused only briefly before adding, “Someone with ADHD has made a huge adjustment inviting you into their life; their world has completely changed as a result, the marriage a clear indicator that they want you a permanent part of that routine. And, to be completely honest, this is the part where it’s going to hurt you most.”
“Okay.” I looked up at him expectantly as he resumed his seat next to me. “Once you are completely integrated in their mind, you may have a tougher time getting attention on all levels: emotionally and physically, being heard. You may even feel neglected at times. There may be several times in your relationship when you feel like your wants and needs aren’t met and may be far from your partner’s priority. It’s not lack of love, it’s—”
“He’ll be used to me,” I said, completely deflated.
“Yes,” he agreed. “Your role as wife will remain, but may shift in importance, and you will probably have a really hard time with that.”
“So, I’ll lose him.” My heart began to beat faster at the thought I wouldn’t have the Jayden I fell for.
“Not necessarily.”
“God, this...What am I supposed to do with this!” I said, suddenly pissed at the hand I’d been dealt. “I love him. I don’t want our relationship to change. I feel like we are already failing.”
“Your partner doesn’t want it to change, either.”
“What do I do?” I said, suddenly desperate. “What he and I have, God it’s everything to me.”
“Then you fight for it and keep fighting every single day. You take the days as they come. You have told me you can deal with most of the daily symptoms with ease. You two have a comfort zone and can go weeks or months without incident, correct?”
“Yes,” I agreed.
“Then deal with each situation the disorder may cause as an isolated incident. Don’t expect the worst from your partner. They need acceptance first and foremost. Keep your role as wife, not mother. I cannot stress that enough. ADHD partners, or more specifically wives of ADHD patients have a way of emasculating their men. Unintentionally, for the most part. A lot of times the statement that ‘It’s like having another child,’ tends to come out of their mouths. And in a way, it’s a very understandable statement.”
He crossed his arms and sat back in his chair, looking at me carefully. “Support your partner, encourage him, and when you run out of the endless patience, find some more. Whether or not you are capable of that is entirely up to you.”
I looked down at my ring finger and back up to him.
“And when you lose it, when you just can’t take it and you crack—and you will—give yourself a break. You won’t always be the perfect ADHD partner. You will make mistakes just like he will. He has a part to play in this as well. Jayden, though I shouldn’t tell you this, is very aware of his disorder. He comes to me willingly to keep himself educated and manage his symptoms. He is determined to live as close to someone unaffected as humanly possible. He’s extremely dedicated and even more so now that he has a young wife to care for.”
“Thank you,” I said, unable to hold back the lone tear that escaped me.
“My appointment should be here,” he said, getting up to head to his door, “but I am here for you and Jayden both anytime you need me.”
“I’ll pay you for this,” I said, pulling out my checkbook. He quickly closed his hand over mine. “Absolutely not. If we continue with sessions, I’ll consider it. I look at this as a consult, and besides, I wanted to meet you. I’m very partial to Jayden. We’ve been a team for a long time and I am truly proud of him and congratulate you both. You two may have struggles to deal with, but you also have so much to look forward to. Get out of your own head for a while and focus on the good. Don’t lose sight of why you married him and don’t let his disorder mar your love for him.”
“I don’t think I’m capable of ever loving him less,” I said, shaking his hand.
“He deserves you,” Dr. Sawyer said quietly. “He’s a good man.”
“Thank you so much,” I said again, taking a deep breath and walking through the door.
“Hey, Bennett,” Dr. Sawyer greeted his next appointment. I looked at the young boy as his mother ushered him into the office.
“Doc,” he replied just before the door shut.
I sat in the quiet confines of my car in the parking lot for a full ten minutes absorbing everything I’d just heard. I wondered how other wives of ADHD patients dealt with the day to day. I’d seen a ton of online support groups I’d never deemed relevant to me until this very moment. I had so many answers handed to me today, but I still had so many questions. And if I wanted those answered, I’d have to do the work.
“Holy shit,” I mumbled, starting my car. On the drive home, I mentally kicked the crap out of myself for not doing more to learn about ADHD in the beginning. I had no idea what my reaction would have been when I wasn’t head over heels in love with Jayden and could make a more informed decision about how willing I would be to deal with this. Would I have walked away before we got serious? Would I have given up the possibility of him because of what being with him entailed, or the amount of sacrifice it would take to maintain this type of relationship? It all boiled down to worth. And it didn’t take long.
He was worth it. The heartache was worth it. The headache was worth it. And the payoff of being Mrs. Jayden Monroe was worth it.