"Yes," I said.
"When you say, 'kissed you,' do you mean on the mouth?"
"Yes."
"Were you both standing?"
"Yes."
"In relation to your height, how tall was the individual?"
He chose the kiss to lead me to the rapist's height.
"Approximately the same height or an inch above," I said.
"How tall are you, Miss Sebold?"
"Five, five and a half."
"You would say this individual was probably the same height or maybe an inch taller?"
"Umm-hmm."
"When you were standing there, looking at him, he looked to be about the same height, is that correct?"
"Umm-hmm."
"Just about that?"
"Yes."
His tone, since questioning my vision, had changed. There was now not even a trace of respect in it. Seeing that he had not yet gotten the best of me, he had switched into a sort of hateful overdrive. I felt threatened by him. Even though, by all measures, I was safe in that courtroom and surrounded by professionals, I was afraid.
"I believe you testified that the description you gave on that night indicated he was of a muscular build?"
"Yes."
"Short and had short black hair?"
"Yes."
"Do you remember telling the police, when you made your voluntary affidavit, you thought he was about one hundred and fifty pounds?"
"Yes."
"Is that your best estimate as to the weight of this individual?"
"I am really not very good with weight," I said. "I don't know the ratio of muscle or fat in someone's body."
"You do recall telling him it was one hundred and fifty pounds?"
"The police officers gave me an estimation of what they might weigh, a man, and I said, yes, that looked approximately correct."
"Are you saying you were influenced by what the police officer told you?"
"No, he was just giving me an example to follow. It seemed approximately close."
"Based on what the police officer gave you and your physical observation, is your testimony on May eighth your best estimate of the weight of this individual is one hundred and fifty pounds?"
"Yes."
"Have you heard anything that would change your mind at this point?"
"No."
His energy zoomed. He looked just like a boy who is savoring the last bite of cake. Mr. Meggesto had gotten something back after losing on vision, but I didn't know what.
I was tired now. I was doing my best, but I felt my energy drain. I had to get it back.
"I believe you say you were struck in the face a number of times?"
"Yes."
"And that you were bleeding?"
"Yes."
"And your glasses had been knocked from you?"
In hindsight I wish I had the wherewithal to say, "None of this made me blind."
"Yes," I said.
"Did you seek any medical attention for your injuries?"
"Yes."
"When was that?"
"The same night right after I got back to the dorm, and before I arrived at the police station-I reported to the police. The police brought me to Grouse Irving Memorial Hospital and I went to the lab, where they prescribed medication for my facial cuts."
I would try and stay steady. I would give the facts.
"Were you able to find your glasses on the night of this incident?"
"The police found the glasses-"
He interrupted me.
"You didn't have them when you left the area? You did not leave with your glasses?"
"Right."
"Anything else you remember?"
"No."
I felt hushed by him now. The gloves were off.
"Can you tell me briefly what you were wearing on the night of October fifth?"
Mr. Ryan stood and corrected the date. "May eighth."
"On May eighth," Mr. Meggesto rephrased, "tell me what you were wearing."
"Calvin Klein jeans, blue work shirt, heavy beige cable-knit cardigan sweater, moccasins, and underwear." I hated this question. Knew, even on that stand, what it was all about.
"Was that cardigan sweater one that pulled on or buttoned up the front?"
"Buttons up the front."
"You didn't have to take it over your head to get it off? Is that correct?"
"Right."
I was seething. I had gotten my energy back because what my clothes had to do with why or how I was raped seemed obvious: nothing.
"I believe you testified this individual attempted to disrobe you and, failing that, ordered you to do so?"
"Right, I had a belt on. He couldn't work the belt correctly from the opposite side of me. He said, 'You do it,' so I did."
"This was the belt holding up your Calvin Klein jeans?"
He emphasized "Calvin Klein" with a sneer I was unprepared for. It had come to this.
"Yes."
"He was facing you?"
"Yes."
"Your testimony was he wasn't able to work the clasp, whatever the gimmick was, that closed that belt?"
"Umm-hmm."
"You did it on his orders?"
"Yes."
Now it was his turn to take a point. He questioned me on the rapist's knife. I had seen it only in the photos of the crime scene and in my mind's eye. I admitted to Meggesto that, though the rapist had threatened me and made gestures to retrieve it from his back pocket, because of the struggle on my part, I had never seen it.
"Is it a fair statement to say you were very frightened by all this?" Meggesto asked, moving on.
"Yes."
"When did you first become frightened?"
"As soon as I heard footsteps behind me."
"Did your pulse beat increase?"
"I imagine some, yes," I said. I didn't understand why he was asking me this.
"Do you recall?"
"No, I don't recall if my pulse beat increased."
"Do you recall becoming scared and breathing short and fast?"
"I recall becoming scared, and whatever physical things come from that, I probably had them, but I wasn't hyperventilating or anything like that."
"Do you remember anything else other than being scared?"
"Mental state?" I thought I'd say it since that's what I thought he was driving at.
"No," he said, "I mean physically. Do you remember how your body acted when you were frightened? Did you tremble, increase in pulse rate, have any change in breathing?"
"No, I don't remember any specific changes except for the fact that I was screaming. I did keep telling the rapist that I was going to vomit, because my mother gave me articles that said if you say you are going to vomit, they won't rape you."
"That was a ruse to use on this individual and might scare him off?"
"Yes."
"Did you ever learn the identity of this individual?"
"Exactly what time or-"
"Did you ever learn the identity of this individual?"
"By me, no." I wasn't quite sure of what he was asking. Interpreted him to be asking if I knew Madison's name back in May.
"Well, did you ever see this individual prior to May of 1981?"
"No."
"Did you ever see this individual after May of 1981?"
"Yes, I saw him in October."
"Did you ever see this individual between May and October of 1981?"
"No."
"Never did?"
"No."
"When did you see him after May of 1981?"
I told him of the incident on October 5. I detailed the time, location, and my sighting, at the same time, of the redheaded policeman who had turned out to be Officer Clapper. I told him I had called the police and had come back to the Public Safety Building to give a description of the rapist.