And mixed up with it all was the image of her grandson, hopeful and vulnerable, caught between the failures and animosities of his parents, still too young to understand the bitter currents that were twisting his life, but inevitably to be shaped and damaged by them. God, Lucy thought, what will he be like finally? How long does the punishment go on?
Suddenly the memory of Tony’s smile in the disheveled living room, standing there between his wife and mother, his mouth pulled to one side in cynical amusement, seemed hateful and terrifying to her. It seemed to mock her and belittle her and endanger everything she had so carefully built up for herself since the war—the sense of purpose and accomplishment in her work, the feeling of having at last matured, of having come to honorable and rigorous terms with herself, the pride in having overcome accidents, in not being swamped by her faults, of having come into her sixth decade whole, robust and useful. Now, remembering Tony’s smile, all that was shaken, and once more she felt as she had at the end of the summer on the lake—uncertain, ashamed of herself, unloving. Some way, some way, she thought, I must get him to stop smiling like that.
She felt rushed and inefficient and she was frightened of the meeting that was ahead of her. What could she hope to accomplish here, in a few minutes, over a cup of coffee? There was a lifetime to be explained, an abyss to be bridged, and these things were not to be done in a half hour at a bistro table. She needed time, all the time she could get, and an atmosphere different from this ugly little café, with the stained waiters banging glassware in the background and a young man, who needed a shave and who looked as though he were hiding from the police, working on a racing form a couple of tables away.
Nervously, she opened her bag and took out a small mirror to examine her face. It looked anxious to her, and artificial, not her real face, not natural for the occasion. She put the mirror away, and was about to close the bag when she saw the letter she had taken from her valise in the hotel.
She took the letter out of the bag, a plan slowly beginning to form in her brain.
She pulled the letter out of its envelope, four sheets of flimsy paper, thin and almost transparent at the folds. She hadn’t read it in years, and she had only put it in her baggage at the last moment when she left America, not really understanding the impulse behind it, thinking, confusedly, Well, as long as I’m going to be in Europe …
She opened the letter and started reading.
“Dear Mrs. Crown,” the letter began, “I am in the hospital and I take this opportunity of writing to you about your loss.” The paper was stamped with the sign of the Red Cross and the handwriting was cramped, semi-literate, painful. “I suppose you have been notified by the War Dept. about the Major but I was there with the Major and I know that people feel easier in their minds when something like this happens if they hear exactly what took place at the time from someone that was on the spot. The name of the town was Ozières, if the censor don’t cut it out, you never know what they will pass, and I will remember it for a long time because I got hit there, too, excepting that I was lucky since I am a short man and the Major, as you remember, was a very tall man, and the machine gun must of been traversing on the same elevation and while I only got it in the shoulder and the neck (two 30 caliber) the Major, being taller, got hit in the lungs. If it is any consolation, he never knew what hit him. There was a Frenchman, too, but he was very quick and he jumped into the ditch and he never got scratched. I have been reading the papers from back home since I been in the hospital and they make it sound as though it was a parade after the breakthrough, but take it from someone who was in it, it was no parade. I was in a reconnaissance squadron, attached to Corps, we had some half-tracks but mostly jeeps, and we were all over the place in those days because nobody knew where anybody else was and there were pockets of Germans, some of them hostile and some of them just looking to give themselves up. There was no telling what you were going to run into until you moved in and they opened fire. Then you could run and maybe call back on the radio for help if you were lucky, which was our job. I’m not complaining, since I guess that it is the only way it could be done. As you probably know, the Major was attached to G
2 at Corps and a man couldn’t ask for a safer or more comfortable job than that in the ordinary run of things, but the Major was not like the usual officers you find at Corps, though I am sure they have their jobs to do back there and they do them to the best of their ability. But he was always poking around where there might be trouble, seeing for himself, and his jeep became a very familiar sight to us and he engaged personally with us in quite a few little actions of one kind and another and I am happy to say that as old as he was, he was as brave and as fearless as the day is long and cheerful and democratic. If he had a fault, it was that he exposed himself sometimes when it wasn’t one hundred percent necessary. Well, on the day he was killed, we were at a couple of farmhouses about five miles from Ozières, and there was nothing doing there and we were taking a break. A Frenchman, a farmer, came up to us and he said he was from outside Ozières, and there was a bunch of Germans maybe 18 or 20 hiding there that wanted to give themselves up. So the Major took the Frenchman along with him and another jeep with four more guys and we took off. If you happen to be in France and see Ozières, you will see, coming in from the north, there is a crossroads 200 yards outside the town and when we got near there, the Major stopped the jeeps and he said we better go in on foot. He cut off a stick from a hedge and he had a white towel in the jeep and he tied it onto the stick and he said to the Frenchman in French You come with me and he said to me Sergeant you better come along too and he told the other boys to turn the jeeps around in case there was any trouble and to spread out a little and to try to cover us if anything went wrong. The town was all buttoned up. They got shutters on the windows in France and they were all closed and there wasn’t anybody moving anywhere and it was so quiet and peaceful you would think you were back in Iowa. The Frenchman and the Major and myself started walking up the road, with the Major in the middle and there was no sign that anything was going to happen and the Frenchman was talking in French to the Major and the Major was answering him, he said he was in France a long time ago, before the war, and that is how he picked up the language, when all of a sudden, just as we got to the crossroads, without any warning, the machine gun opened up. As I said above, I was hit in the shoulder and neck, but I managed to roll over into the ditch alongside the road just the same and the Frenchman did the same on the other side. In case you think the Frenchman was not one hundred percent on the level, let me tell you it came as much as a surprise to him as to me, and I could hear him crying and swearing in French in the other ditch all the time we were laying there. The Major was out in the middle of the road and I looked up out of the ditch at him after awhile and I saw that there was nothing to be done for him. After the one burst, the Germans shut up and they were never heard from again. Anybody tells you the Germans play according to the rules of the Geneva Convention, you refer them to me, and I will show them the two holes in my shoulder and neck. Although you never can tell, they might really of wanted to give themselves up and then maybe some crazy officer showed up in town and gave them a pep talk. Anyway, the boys back at the jeeps fired a few rounds over our head at the town to show the Germans there would be trouble if they tried to come for us and one of them took one of the jeeps back to the farmhouses for the Lieutenant and he showed up in record time and he came and got us, right out in the open, without paying any attention to whether the Germans might open fire again at any moment. I heard the Lieutenant say He never knew what hit him while he was looking at the Major, as I said above and that is something. They put a field dressing on me and they got me back fast and I could not ask for better treatment. In case you want to correspond with the Lieutenant, his name is Lieutenant Charles C. Draper and he was very close to your husband almost like Father and Son, except that I have heard a rumor back here in the hospital that the Lieutenant was ambushed in Luxembourg, but it is only a rumor.