Vanyel cringed beneath the pitiless words, and the vision of himself that came with them; arrogant, self-centered, self-serving. Using Tylendel, not caring for him. And worse; worse than that, feeding him what he craved, like feeding a perpetual drunk the liquor he shouldn’t have.
Without thinking about it, he reached beyond his room; it was a little like straining his ears to hear a conversation in the distance, and the pain that came with the effort felt like muscles pulling against a broken bone, but he found he could catch other snatches of - it must be thoughts - that touched on him.
They could have been echoes of Jaysen’s thoughts.
He pulled his awareness back, as a child pulls its singed hand from the fire that has burned it. There were only two creatures in all the world that he could be certain cared for him despite what he was; Tylendel and Yfandes. Neither were to be trusted to know the truth about him. The second was besotted by whatever magic had made her Choose him; the first was -
The first was dead. And it was his fault. Jaysen was right; if he’d really caredfor ‘Lendel, he’d have stopped him. It wouldn’t even have been hard; if he hadn’t agreed to get those books, if he hadn’t agreed to help with that spell, Tylendel would be alive at this moment. And if he hadn’t seduced ‘Lendel with his own needs, none of this ever would have happened.
Bad on top of worst; now he was a burden on the Heralds, who hated him, but felt honor-bound to take him in Tylendel’s place. And he could neverreplace Tylendel, not ever; even heknew that. He had none of Tylendel’s virtues, and allof his vices and more.
He listenedto the mind-voice of the one beside him with all his strength, ignoring the pain it cost, hoping beyond hope that the Herald would somehow give him the chance to get away - get away and do something to make this right. If the Herald would just - go away for a moment, or - or better yet, fall asleep -
Jaysen wastired; though he’d done less magic than Savil, and had more time to rest, he was still very weary. He’d set himself up in the room’s really comfortable chair; the one Tylendel had sometimes fallen asleep in. Vanyel could feel Jaysen’s mind drifting over into slumber, and held his breath, hoping he’d drift all the way.
Because he’d gleaned something else from those minds out there -
Because the Death Bell had rung for him, despite what he’d done, Tylendel was being accounted a full Herald and tomorrow would be buried with all the honors.
Tomorrow. But tonight - he was in the Temple in the Grove. And if he could get that far, Vanyel was going to try to right the wrongs he had done to all of them, atoning with the only thing he had left to give.
Jaysen’s thoughts slipped into the vague mumbles of sleep, and in the next moment a gentle snore from the chair beside the bed told Vanyel that he was completely gone.
Vanyel turned over, deliberately making noise.
Jaysen continued to snore, undisturbed.
Vanyel sat up, slowly, taking stock of himself and his surroundings.
About a candlemark later, he was dressed; even if he had notneeded to move slowly for fear of waking the Herald, he would have had to for weakness. He had even needed to hold onto the furniture at first, because his legs were so unsteady. Even now his legs trembled with every step he took, but at least he was moving a bit more surely.
He stole soundlessly across the floor and unlatched the door, opened it just enough to squeeze himself through, and shut it again. It was dark out here, a still, cloudless night. He wouldn’t be seen, but it was a long way to the Grove.
He steeled himself and stepped shakily onto the graveled path that ran from his door through the moonlit garden.
But someone had been waiting for him.
Yfandes glided out of the darkness to his side almost before he had made five steps along that path.
:No-: she said, sternly, barring his way. :You are ill; you should be in bed.:
For a moment he was ready to collapse right where he stood.
- gods, she’s going to stop me-
Then he saw a way to get Yfandes to help him - without her knowing she was doing so.
-.Please-: He directed everything he could on part of the truth. He couldn’t lie mind-to-mind, he knew that, but he didn’thave to reveal everything unless Yfandes should ask a direct question about it. And besides that, the link to her was fading in and out (and it hurt, like everything else) and he would bet she wouldn’t want to force anything. -.Pleased, Yfandes, Ihave to -: he faltered.: - to say - good-bye.:
She bowed her head almost to the earth as he let his grief pour out over her. -.Very well,: he heard, the mind-voice heavy with reluctance. . I will help you. But you must rest, after.:
:I will,: he promised, meaning it, though not in the way she had intended.
She went to her knees so that he could mount; he, once the best rider at Forst Reach, could not drag himself onto her back without that help. His arms and legs trembled with weakness as he clung to her back, and if it had not been that she could have balanced a toddler there and not let it fall, he would have lost his seat within the first few moments.
He concentrated on his weariness, on how physically miserable he was feeling, and spent not so much as an eyeblink on his real intentions. He closed his eyes, both to concentrate, and because seeing the ground move by so fast in the moonlight wasmaking him nauseated and disoriented again.
He had had no notion of how fast the Companions could travel at a so-called walk. She was stepping carefully up to the porch of the Grove Temple long before he had expected her to get there; the clear ringing of her hooves on the marble surprised him into opening his eyes.
:We are here,: she said, and knelt for him to dismount.
The marble of the Temple porch glistened wetly in the moonlight, and he could see candlelight shining under the door. He slid from Yfandes’ back, and “listened” with this new, mental ear for other minds within the Temple.
None.
He shivered in the cold wind; he’d dressed carefully, in the black silk tunic and breeches Tylendel had thought he looked best in, and once off Yfandes’ warm, broad back the wind cut right through his clothing.
:Not for long,: she admonished, as he clung to the doorframe and negotiated unlatching the door into the Temple itself.
:No, Yfandes,: he said, sincerely. : Not for long.:
He got the door open and closed again - then, as quietly as he could, locked it.
There was no clamor from the opposite side, so he assumed she had not heard the bolt shoot home. He turned, bracing himself for what he was about to do, and faced the altar.
The Temple itself was tiny; hardly bigger than the common room of their suite. It had been built all of white marble, within and without. The walls took up the candlelight, and reflected it until they fairly glowed. There were only two benches in it, and the altar. Behind the altar were stands thick with candles; behind the candles, the wall had been carved into a delicate bas-relief; swirling clouds, the moon, stars and the sun - and in the clouds, suggestions of male and female faces, whose expressions changed with the flickering of the candles.
Before the altar stood the bier.
Vanyel’s legs trembled with every step; he made his way unsteadily to that white-draped platform, and looked down on the occupant.