Her voice was harsh with tears, and with her own guilt, and she was not ashamed to let him hear it. “Van, Van, we’re only simple, fallible mortals - we aren’t saints, we aren’t angels - we fall on our faces and make errors and sometimes people die of them - sometimes people we love dearly - “
She choked on a sob, and bowed her head.
He freed a hand and touched her cheek hesitantly; his fingers were still snow-cold. She caught and held it, and looked back up into his eyes, seeing worse than grief there before he dropped them.
“You thought the world would be better with you out of it, is that it?”
He nodded, dumbly, and his hands trembled in hers.
“Did you stop to think how Iwould feel? You were ‘Lendel’s love. Didn’t you think I’d come to care for you at least a bit, if only for his sake?”
How was she to reach him - when she’d neverbeen good with words? “I’ve buried him today. Did you think I’d be indifferent about burying you as well? What about Jaysen? I’d left him to watch you. How do you think hefeeis right now about his carelessness? What do you think he’d have felt if you’d died? And - gods help us - what did you think Yfandes would do?”
I “I thought - I thought she’d find somebody better,” he faltered, his voice quavering a bit.
“She’d die, lad; Companions very seldom outlive their Chosen. And she Chose you. If you die, she dies; she’d probably pine herself to death, and she does notdeserve that.”
He shrank into himself, pulling even farther away from her, and she cursed her clumsy words, her inability to tell him what she really meant without hurting him further. “Van - oh, hell - I’mnot saying any of this the way I wanted to. Listen to me; you’re sick, you need to rest and get well. We’ll deal with this later, all right? Just - don’t take yourself out of this world right now, there are folks who’ll have holes in their lives if you go. And I’m one of them.”
He nodded; he didn’t look convinced, but now she had exhausted what little eloquence she possessed, and didn’t know what else to say to him.
So she tried one last tactic. Let me just keep him alive - if I can do that, maybe we can help him.
“Will you promise me, on your word of honor, that you won’t try to do yourself in again? If you will, I’ll trust you, and I won’t leave guards on your doors.”
He swallowed, pulled his hands out of hers, and whispered, haltingly, “I - promise. Word of honor.” He still wouldn’t look her in the face, but she trusted that sworn word.
She nodded. “Accepted. Now is there anything, anything at all, that I can do for you?” Maybe- “Need to talk?”
He shook his head, and she sensed his complete withdrawal, and cursed again. Dammit, just when I need Lance the most, he’s not here.
“Sure?” She persisted, even in the face of defeat; that was her nature. “Vanyel - Vanyel, you’re the only person I’ve got who knew ‘Lendel from the inside the way I did. If - if you need somebody to mourn with…”
He shook his head again, avoiding her eyes altogether, and she sighed, giving up. “If you change your mind-well, rest, lad. Get better. Call, if you need anything - mind or voice, either, I’ll hear you.”
He nodded slightly, and closed his eyes again, leaning back and turning his face to the wall. That face was as white as the pillows beneath it, and it made her hurt all over again to see that lost look of his. She waited for another response or a request of some kind, but he slipped right back into an uneasy, shallow slumber. Finally she eased off the bed, gathered up Andrel’s cloak from the chair, and left him alone.
Andrel arrived at sunset in response to her invitation to fetch his cloak and share food and thoughts. They’d had more than one intimate little supper in their lives, many of them in this very room, but none so gloom-ridden. Mardic and Donni had gone off to cautiously interview some of Vanyel’s circle of admirers, to see if there was someone else they could contact that might help to bring him out of this mental abyss.
Savil’s Hawkbrother masks on the wall behind Andrel’s left shoulder gazed at her from dispassionate and empty eyeholes. Candles flickered on the table between them.
Neither of them had much interest in food at the moment; both their minds were on the boy sleeping behind the closed door behind Savil’s chair. “What we need,” she told Andrel glumly, eating a dinner she did not taste, “is Lancir. We need his MindHealing; the boy’s pulling farther away from touchingwith every moment he’s awake, and I cannot get him to let me inside. He’s barricading himself again; a different kind of barricade than that old arrogance, but it’s there all the same. And Lance bloody wouldbe out of touch right now.’’
He sighed, his breath making the candleflame flutter, and pushed his own food around on his plate with his fork. “I have to agree with you. Is there no chance you can get Lance back via Gate?’’
She shook her head, shoving her frustration back down out of her way. She’d already been over this with Jaysen. “Not without knowing where he is, and he’s not a strong enough Thought-senser to read a Broadcast-sending. And we don’t know what route he’s taking home; could be one of half a dozen. If something were wrong with Elspeth we could afford to send out half-a-dozen Heralds to look for him, but - Vanyel just is not that important.” Her tone turned acid. “Or so I’ve been told.”
Andrel frowned, and his eyebrows met. “He may become that important; I’m shielding him as much as I can, but his trauma is still leaking through. Half the trainees are depressed to the point of tears right now, Gifted Bardic, Healer, andHerald, and it’s all due to Vanyel’s leakage.”
“Well what do you expect?” she countered, letting him see her very real anger.
“Yousaw the strength and depth of his Gifts. Even with raw channels he’s Broad-sending without knowing it, and he has no more notion of how to shield than how to fly! And it’s not every day you’ve got one half of a lifebonded pair left after the other half suicides. If he were trained, he’d be leaking. But nobody else believes how strong he is; they all think I’m letting my affection for Tylendel magnify everything that was connected with him out of all proportion to reality.”
“Gods!” he looked up from his plate with the expression of a stunned sheep. “Vanyel and Tylendel - lifebonded?”
She nodded unhappily. “I’m pretty damned sure of it; what’s more, so are Mardic and Donni, and if anyone would recognize a bonding, it would be another bonded pair. I expected grief, mourning; the natural responses for a youngster who’s lost his first love under rotten bad circumstances - I did notexpect to find the kind of gaping emotional wounds I saw before he started shutting me out today. I’ve never seen that depth of feeling before in anyone, Herald, or no, exceptMardic and Donni. So tell me; what the hell do I do about a broken lifebond?”
He shook his head, obviously at a loss. “I can’t tell you; I don’t know. I don’t Heal minds, I Heal bodies. And I don’t know of anyone who Heals hearts.”
She sighed, and looked down at her congealing dinner. “That’s what I was afraid you’d tell me. I have more bad news; the relationship between them was one where ‘Lendel was the leader and Van the follower. Van had gotten totally dependent on ‘Lendel for all his emotional needs. I tried to warn ‘Lendel, but - “ She shrugged. “And to put the snow on the mountain, Van’s got some guilt he’s hiding from me, and all I can think is that he’s convinced he cursed ‘Lendel because he seduced Tylendel. Mind you, he didn’t; from all I know I’m positive the seduction, if seduction it was, was mutual, but - there it is.”
“Jaysen,” Andrel said positively.
She nodded. “Good bet, my friend. Jays has got all those Kleimar prejudices about same-sex pairings. He accepted ‘Lendel, but mostly after I rammed his prejudices right up in his face. But Vanyel? Vanyel wasn’t even a Herald-candidate when he and ‘Lendel paired. Jays hasn’t saida word, but you can bet on what he was thinking when he was keeping watch on him. Resentment that Van is alive and ‘Lendel dead would be the least of it.”