“Maybe Erris could teach me fairy magic,” Violet said.
“That won’t help the rest of us!” I said. Goodness, if Erris started teaching Violet how to talk to the forest while I sat around uselessly, I would scream.
“No one is learning magic until Mr. Valdana comes back!” Celestina shouted, shoving back the empty plate she had been eating pie from moments ago. “He left me in charge and I must insist.”
“Why?” Violet asked.
“Because it’s dangerous, as I just said.”
I had never seen Celestina be short about anything. I raised my brows.
“I hear the horse,” she said. I thought she was only looking for a diversion, but when I pushed aside the curtain, sure enough, the jinn had ridden his horse to the door and slid off as easy as I might climb out of bed. He knocked on the door.
Celestina shot me an apprehensive glance, then opened it. “Yes?”
“Where is he?” the jinn said.
We were quiet, although Violet stood from her chair.
“You’ve foiled my magic.” He put his hand to his heart and dipped his head, an acknowledgment. When his head came back up, his eyes met mine. “He was the first thing King Luka asked of me.”
His voice was soft, and yet, I could feel his power like the electricity in the air before a storm, and I wondered how we would ever foil him twice.
His eyes lingered briefly on each of us, and then he turned back to his horse. Celestina shut the door, and Violet moved to the window. We all watched him go.
“I’m going to study magic,” I said firmly. “But first, I must get Erris.”
I waited awhile and approached the shore warily, still looking and listening for the jinn in case of trickery. And when the sea came in view, it looked empty, like it had surely swept Erris away without a trace.
I screamed his name. The sea winds roared in my ears. I cupped my hands around my mouth and called even louder.
He stood up from behind the rock, just where he’d said he’d be. I tried to hide how scared I had felt. He straggled up to me, clothes soaking wet. His hair was still dry. He never had to submerge himself completely, but he’d still been in the water over an hour.
“Are you all right?” I touched his wet shoulder.
“I think so.” He clutched his chest. He looked quite pale. After a moment he said, “I feel cold and clammy all over. Not right at all.”
“You’ll probably feel better as you dry out,” I said hopefully. What would it be like to feel the cold sea rush not just over your skin, but all through your insides?
“Yes…”
“Well, let’s get you back to the house.”
“You go on without me,” he said.
“But-”
“I want to be alone,” he said, with the slightest hint of desperation.
I regarded him a moment, reluctant, and he nodded toward the line of trees, urging me on.
“You always want to be alone,” I said softly. I turned from him, sniffing back the tears, and started to walk away.
“I’m sorry,” he called.
I couldn’t take that. Like he could just yell out that he was sorry and everything would be all right. “I was so worried about you,” I said, my hands trembling as I turned back around. “I know you want to be alone, but-but can’t you ever let me care for you anymore? I was so afraid I was going to lose you today, and now you’re safe, but you’re pushing me away.”
“I can’t be good company right now,” Erris said. “I feel all… all wrong. Usually I sort of feel like I’m made of flesh and bone, even if I’m not, but right now I feel… all wrong.” Indeed, he seemed very shaken. He sat down on a nearby rock and clutched his hands together.
I went to his side. “I don’t care whether you’re good company or not. I care about you. And as hard as this is to deal with, is it really easier to deal with it alone?”
“Maybe.” He didn’t look at me.
“When you were trapped at a piano and you couldn’t even speak, wasn’t that worse? But you wanted me around then.”
“It was worse. But… I felt like a ghost then. A ghost tethered to an object. Now I feel… alive. But all wrong. When I’m around other people, even you and Celestina and Violet…”
He didn’t finish, but I knew what he was getting at. “Erris, don’t you think I feel horrible about all this? I lay awake at night wondering if I was right to try and save you, because… I gave you this. I gave you the best I could. I loved you, and…” My voice was starting to break up now. “I couldn’t give you enough, and now I can never really have you. I didn’t save you after all.”
I started to cry. I felt awful about it. He was the one with his insides full of seawater and I was the one sobbing. “I’m sorry,” I said. My turn for those feeble words.
“Please don’t cry,” he said softly. He took my right hand, even as I covered my face with the left, and separated my fingers in a way that made me shiver. When the only place we ever touched was our hands, it was astonishing how sensitive they became to the slightest of caresses.
“Nimira,” he continued. “I thought we were fine friends. I tease you, and you laugh, and we make music together. What else can I do?”
“No!” I shouted. “Enough about ‘fine friends’! I can’t stand it. All this teasing and laughing seems like a charade! I can tell you’re in despair, and you never tell me about that. If you meant what you said when you told me you loved me-and I meant it-then let us be open with our hearts and minds!”
“Look at me,” he suddenly said fiercely. And when I did, he pulled open his shirt so I could see gears ticking and their rhythm like a heartbeat. “You can’t really love this.”
I’ll admit it was always an unnerving sight, the contrast of Erris’s deeply living face and the clockwork under his clothes. I could pretend it didn’t disturb me, but I think he could sense even the slightest hint of horror from me. And in fact, I was fighting deep in my core not to cry again, because I had done this to him.
“You can’t tell me what I love,” I said.
“You love a fiction,” he said. “A romantic story of a fairy prince. But fair maidens don’t fall for beasts. I know how the story goes.” There was disdain in his voice. Disdain, for me, as if I were too stupid not to think beyond myths and fables!
I picked up a rock and dashed it on the stones in front of him, and then I stormed off to learn magic, whether anyone liked it or not.
Chapter 11
When I returned to the house, Violet was sitting in the kitchen by the woodstove, arms crossed and feet splayed out. Her face was dry, but it looked like she’d been a bit weepy herself. She looked up at me with the very same doleful expression Erris gave when things weren’t going well-eyelids slightly lowered, brown eyes soulful. The family resemblance had never been so clear.
“Are you all right?” I asked. “Where’s Celestina?”
“She had things to do outside, she said.”
“Well, all right.” I didn’t know what else to say, so I started to go.
“Are you really going to learn magic?” Violet asked.
“Yes. I am. Someone must do something.”
“Can I learn with you?”
I didn’t really want to include her. It was her house, however, and her father’s books I’d be searching for information, so it felt wrong to tell her no. “I don’t know how far I’ll really get,” I said.
“We should ask Erris for help,” Violet suggested.
“Erris is in no mood to help anyone. He just wants to be alone every waking second. And even if he says yes, it won’t do me one bit of good, will it, because I am not a fairy.” I knew I was being snappish, but I just didn’t care to be nice at the moment.