Had Karstor truly done her a favor?
Of all the assistance for Karstor to send. I kept thinking of my letters to Hollin-I’d just had another one in the past week-and the elephant bracelet. Seeing Annalie, I suddenly felt as if I shouldn’t have exchanged a single letter with him. What if I held them back, unwittingly, from reconciliation?
When the coffee and buns were gone, Celestina and a curious Violet showed Annalie to her quarters, and Erris leaned over to me. “You all right, Nim? You don’t look exactly happy she’s here. I thought you two were good friends.”
“Well, yes, I mean, we write. She helped me free you, back at Vestenveld. But she’s a hard woman to know. I always got the feeling she lived in another world from the rest of us.”
“And also, her husband sends you presents.”
“That’s not…” I placed my hand over my eyes. “I wish he wouldn’t.”
“You could tell him not to write anymore. It’s common enough for married people to be friends and correspondents with the opposite sex, at least where I come from, but considering your history with Hollin, do you really think it’s a good idea to encourage him with letters? Even harmless ones? Why do you write him, considering what he did?”
This interrogation caught me off guard, and irritated me, perhaps because I had no good answer. “I’m just… I’m curious about his travels and what they’re having him do in these other countries. We shouldn’t discuss this now.”
“Why not? The way Annalie’s been chattering her head off, they’ll be up there for an hour talking about linens. And you know Violet will want to show off her own room. And, well, every time you get a letter from Hollin, can’t you see how it bothers me?”
“Well, you should have said so instead of just making jokes.”
“Surely you know I’m not just joking. Do you want me to make a big fuss about it instead?”
“You should talk to me.”
Erris exhaled sharply. “Look. I don’t want to get distracted talking about how to talk. I know it’s been bothering me since I met you that you’d even give Hollin the time of day. He trapped his wife upstairs for years and told everyone she was dead. I don’t care if Smollings made him do it, I don’t care if she extracted some happiness from the situation, how can you talk to a man who’d do a thing like that? And then… then he asked you to run away with him! Without even telling you the truth. I’ve tried to be nice about it, to assume you’d figure it out for yourself, but he’s a liar.” His voice had an edge I’d never heard in Erris before.
“I know he is, but… he helped us in the end.”
“Because you had a plan and he could see a way to turn the tide and still protect himself. I think he’s a coward to the end. Pity him from a distance, because he’s dangerous. There seems to be no limit to what he’ll do because he’s too scared to do what’s right. If he wouldn’t protect his own wife, then what would he protect?”
I was shaking. I couldn’t think of any defense for Hollin, but I hated to hear Erris speak of him that way.
Erris’s voice softened just a little. “Why do you want to write him?”
I wiped my eyes, running my hands back over my hair, forcing calm upon myself. “Because… I’m-I don’t know. I’m lonely.”
Erris put a hand on my shoulder. “I think we’re all a little lonely, but you have us. You have me.”
“I worry I might not… always.”
“It’s better to be alone than with a man like that.”
I was struggling not to cry, thinking of Hollin’s letters. I’d just got one, fat with details about the schools and the people he was meeting, how they needed magic and made it a part of their everyday lives, without the fear and mystery and patriarchy of Lorinarian sorcery. He was changing, growing. I couldn’t tell Erris that. He wouldn’t believe me. I didn’t want to share the letters with him. I knew he was right; I should tell Hollin to stop writing me, especially with Annalie here. What if Lean Joe came in with the mail and there was another package?
“Nimira, I want to understand,” Erris said. “But you’re crying over him, and I-I don’t know what to say. It’s hard to believe you don’t have feelings for him.”
“I-” I swallowed. “That night by the fire, when we kissed… I don’t think it would have happened if I hadn’t taken your arm and warmed you, and told you how tired I was of pretending. I don’t have feelings for Hollin in the same way I have feelings for you, but for all his flaws, sometimes he’s more open with me than you are.”
“Maybe so,” he said. “I’m sorry. I’ve been grieving.” His voice was very neutral. I couldn’t tell if he was angry. But he made me feel horrid. I knew he was grieving, but I needed him to share his pain with me. Was it selfish? I didn’t know when it was appropriate to stop being patient. I had no mother, no parent, no adult at all to advise me.
“Nim, we haven’t had the best circumstances, that’s all,” Erris said. “There’s nothing we can do about that. Nevertheless, I don’t think I’m asking anything unreasonable when I tell you not to write Hollin anymore.” He gave me a brief unreadable look, and then stood and left.
I sat there a moment, my stomach clenching around an odd mix of guilt and anger.
We all gathered around the table again when Annalie came back downstairs. My emotions were shunted aside, at least for the moment. Important business needed attention.
“We must form a plan,” Annalie said. “Karstor received all your letters, of course. We talked about it before I left. He suggested I focus on protecting Erris. We felt that it might be easier to defend than to attack.”
“I’ve been practicing sorcery,” I said. “I’ve just managed to move fire. I’m not sure if there’s much I can do, though.”
“And I’ve been learning fairy magic with Erris,” Violet offered. “But I don’t know what help it would be against a jinn either. I can talk to plants.”
“She’s starting to learn glamours,” Erris said. “But we’re a ways off from enchantments. Someone is not exceedingly disciplined.”
“‘Just like your mother,’” Violet mimicked.
“Well, it’s true. And not to be maudlin, but look what happened to her.”
“Can you draw any protective power from the forest?” Annalie asked. I was impressed by how focused she was. When I last saw her, she seemed barely tethered to the planet, but now she was the most grounded of us all.
“I can,” Erris said. “We could work on that in future lessons, although it is a skill for someone with discipline.”
Annalie nodded. “I think we should all focus on defensive magic. Maybe together, we can face an attack.”
“Are your orbs still with you?” I asked. “I didn’t… see them.” I stammered a bit. I was never sure how to talk about Annalie’s magic. I’d never felt quite comfortable around her, the way she could hear voices in silence and see things in darkness, the way she seemed content in a situation most people would find a nightmare.
“Not like before,” she said. “Karstor had to close the gates so I could walk in the light. But I can summon spirits as a necromancer would, and I have the advantage of long acquaintance with some lost souls.”
“I think someone needs to be prepared to be aggressive,” I said. “We can’t all just sit here and try to deflect whatever the jinn throws at us. What if he tries to harm one of us? Or what if he goes after the house? The forest? Jinns are fire specialists too. We can’t protect everything.”
Celestina was rubbing her thumb along her palm.
“It could be dangerous to fight a jinn,” Annalie said.
“When you and I fought Miss Rashten,” I told her, “we were sorely unprepared. You never had time to summon your spirits. What saved us was Linza digging up Hollin’s gun. She bought you time. I think we should be prepared for anything. The three of you can work on defense, but I want to take another direction.” I glanced at Celestina.