“Why did you let him?”
“I felt I might be needed. It seemed wrong to stay hidden away forever. Karstor said to me, one day, that I seemed more like a ghost than a woman. And I realized… that was true. I wasn’t dead yet, but I was acting like I was. I’d become more comfortable with the dead than the living. Living… frightens me a bit.”
What was it, exactly, about living that frightened her? I had my theories.
How funny, I thought, that she would use the same word about living that Hollin used about her. “What about when Hollin gets back?” I asked.
Her lips pinched.
I shouldn’t have said anything.
“I bear him no ill will,” she said abruptly. “But a life with him is no longer what I want.”
“Oh.” I hesitated. “I’m sorry to bring up a difficult subject.”
“Don’t be sorry.” She shook her head. “I can’t tell if he still loves me or not. He says loving things in his letters, but a lot of them sound silly. Then again, my replies are all wrong too. We’ve just… grown apart. When Hollin returns, I intend to ask for a separation, and continue learning magic with Karstor.”
My eyes widened slightly. That was scandalous indeed. “Will you marry Dr. Greinfern?”
“Well, we haven’t had a very long acquaintance, but if it would protect his reputation… He is the ambassador of magic now, so he’ll have to be careful. If he brings it up… It hardly matters to me.” She sounded astoundingly businesslike.
I wasn’t sure what to say. I gaped a bit. I admired Annalie for her power, for her serenity in the face of such adversity, but how could she be so callous about her husband’s feelings? About marriage itself?
Annalie looked briefly askance, and then leaned closer. “I mean, you do know, don’t you?”
“Know what?”
“About Karstor?” She sat back. “He didn’t say anything. Oh, dear. It’s not my place, then.” She looked slightly anguished. “Of course you mustn’t tell anyone.”
“I won’t.” What on earth was it now?
“Karstor and Garvin had a particular relationship,” she said. She flushed a bit. “He does not care for women.”
I jerked in my chair. He had been broken up over Garvin’s death, but… men often seemed to place more importance on their friendships than on their wives, here in Lorinar, what with all their clubs and leagues and things. In Tiansher, men and women mingled more, shared the same entertainments. “But he’s-I mean… he’s a politician!” I finally finished.
Annalie’s lips quirked. “Well. Obviously neither of them would have gotten so far if they hadn’t been extremely discreet. Nevertheless, you understand now, there is nothing between us.”
I stared at the woodstove. I thought of Hollin coming back to the news that Annalie wanted a separation. His family was gone; he’d be all alone. Would he turn to me…?
I didn’t want Hollin Parry in that way, though. I could forgive his deceits, but I could not forget them, and I certainly couldn’t forget Erris.
“Nim, don’t despair,” Annalie said. “Just because Erris isn’t here, doesn’t mean he isn’t somewhere. The spirits told me you should go here. They told me Ordorio would know.”
“Don’t.” I shook my head. “What can I do about it anyway? How can I even get to the fairy kingdom, or move through it, without Erris? It’s too much! I can’t keep doing this. I need help, and Ordorio isn’t here. I’m starting to wonder if he’s imaginary.”
“He’s just abroad.”
“With my luck, he’ll drop dead on the ship back. He must be at least fifty, and traveling around in all these other countries in the cold…”
“He won’t drop dead.”
“Stop being so reasonable!” I shouted, shoving my chair back from the table.
But nothing I said fazed Annalie. She was utterly calm in her black dress, looking at me with a serene sympathy I couldn’t bear.
“I know you need time to grieve,” she said. “But let it out, and let it go. Take it from my own experience… you will feel better if you take action, in any small way you can right now. Keep working on your magic.”
“My magic?” I snapped. “For all the good it does. ‘Oh, Erris, let me keep you warm while a jinn blasts you into the next world!’” My eyes welled with furious tears. I didn’t know if I was more furious at the jinn or the fairy king or myself-but it was Annalie I wanted to lash out at, Annalie, who didn’t care about Hollin, who apparently didn’t care about anything.
I went to my room before I said things I didn’t mean, or didn’t want to say-it was hard to tell the difference just now. I cried long and hard, but no matter how much I let it out, I didn’t know how I could ever let it go.
THE WOODS, LORINAR
It was some time past midnight when Violet stirred.
“Have-have I been sleeping long?”
“Almost five hours, I think.”
She fidgeted. “Ouch! I’m stiff. Where are we going? How long are we going to be riding on this horse? Do you think we really ought to be out in the cold for so long? Don’t you need sleep?”
“Not much. You’ll be all right with me.”
“Well, I’m hungry.”
Ifra took from his pocket the last of the dried apples the fairies had sent him off with and put them in her hand. “There.”
She unwrapped the paper. “Apples? Can’t you conjure a feast or something?”
He shook his head. “Conjuring is only for the three wishes. I could manage an illusion, I suppose, so you think it’s something else.”
She gasped. “Could you make it chocolate cake?”
He frowned. “I don’t think I’ve ever eaten that. How about… well, we don’t have a bowl, so it needs to be something firm. How about a steamed beef and onion dumpling?”
“Ugh. What about pie? Raspberry pie!”
“I’ve never had that either.”
“You’ve never had anything. Where do you come from?”
“A faraway land without chocolate.” He gave the sad lump of dried apples the appearance of a soft, warm beef dumpling. “Try that.”
She took a very tiny bite, and then a larger one. “Well… all right.”
He still was somewhat concerned about what to do with her. He could work his magic on her, like the horse, so she wouldn’t need rest or food or heat until he delivered her to Luka, but she wouldn’t like it, and even the northern fairy gate was a few days’ ride away, with Telmirra another week at best. If the weather held.
He spread his magic, sensing for those pockets of heat in the surrounding countryside that meant life. Much of the inhabited land was behind them now, in Cernan, but there was another town to the southwest, with scattered farms around it. The farms were preferable, he thought-less chance they’d have communication with Cernan.
“I’ll find us a place to sleep soon,” he told Violet.
She got quiet again. She smoothed a mitten over the books in her arms. “My father will get back and I’ll be gone.”
“When is he coming back?”
“Spring.”
“Maybe everything will be sorted out by then. You can send for him.”
She settled a little closer against him. “Ifra, you remembered me. When you went away. Do you remember… everything about when we met?”
“I remembered because you gave me your hair ribbon.”
“Well, I wanted you to remember me,” she said.
“I think I remember everything,” he said, teasing around the answer she wanted.
She took a quick breath. “They said you were dangerous, though Celestina hardly even saw you. I tried to tell Nimira it wasn’t your fault, but she pretty much just laughed at me. And Celestina acts like she knows everything and I don’t, but I don’t think she’s ever had a beau either.”