I’m wishing he was on this bike with me. That we were somewhere else so we could do so much more and he could cure the ache inside me.
Suddenly, he’s pulling away and I’m fighting not to pull him back to me. He doesn’t go far, pushing a piece of hair behind my ear, his mouth only inches from mine.
“We keep ending up this way.” His hand slides away and I wish he’d put it on me again.
“I know.”
“I’ve never…” He shakes his head. “I don’t know what the fuck to think about it.”
At that I laugh. Me either. “Your sister’s probably wondering where we are.”
Maddox closes his eyes for a second as though he’s trying to gather himself before he steps back. “Let’s go. I don’t trust you alone with my bike.” When he smiles, I see the dimple again. Then he holds out his hand to help me off the motorcycle, and I let him.
* * *
When we go back inside, Laney gives Maddox a hug and then we all move into the kitchen where I assume we’re about to do the cake. I’m surprised when Adrian pulls out one cupcake with a candle in it. After lighting it, we all sing “Happy Birthday” and then Adrian opens the fridge and pulls out caramel apples for everyone.
Laney looks at him like he had just handed her the world, and then he leans forward and whispers to her, “Such a sweet, Little Ghost.”
Maddox and I stand back from the rest of the group as they talk and laugh with each other. He should be there with them, laughing and talking, but I know he never would be. If I wasn’t here right now, he’d stand back from the group alone.
The urge to reach for him teases me. I don’t let myself follow through. “What’s with the apples?”
Maddox shrugs. “Hell if I know. It’s not the first time he’s given her one.”
My eyes are drawn to them as they stand close. Laney right next to Adrian and Cheyenne the same way with Colt. It’s like they complete each other. They give each other something that no one else in the world can. I’ve seen that in Mom and Dad, even in Rex and Melody, but with them… it almost feels like seeing it with someone like me.
A strange sort of longing comes out of hiding inside me and I wish it would go away. That’s not me. I don’t want things like this. Hell, Maddox and I can hardly talk to each other about anything important. He doesn’t know much about me at all.
But he knows me… somehow he knows me.
And I like that he does.
“Are you ready to go?” Maddox has leaned over, his mouth next to my ear.
After looking at the group one more time, I tell him, “Yeah… I think so.”
“Laney, we’re going to head out.” Maddox nods toward the door.
“Good seein’ ya again, man.” Colt nods at Maddox as Cheyenne comes toward me.
My body tenses when she pulls me into a hug. “I think I want another tattoo!”
At that I laugh and then pull back. “Name the time.”
I’m not sure if Adrian and Maddox say anything to each other because when I look, Laney is hugging Scratch. Her face is angled toward the other side of him and I can tell she’s saying something in his ear. She’s so relaxed but he looks slightly uncomfortable. Laney pulls back and he ruffles her hair and says, “I know.”
It’s so not my business; still, I want to know what she said. Or maybe it’s that I want to know what he heard. Everything about Maddox makes me curious.
“I’m so glad you could come.” Laney turns to me next and pulls me into a hug as well. It’s so crazy being around these girls. I’m not used to being around women I feel comfortable with—women I feel like I can be myself around—and it gives me this strange sort of happiness I didn’t know I missed.
The whole way home I can’t stop thinking about it. I hardly register my arms and legs around Maddox as he drives his motorcycle through town. Today was a good day. I had fun and felt okay being me… like I had when I lived with Melody and Rex? They loved me for me. Mom and Dad love me even though they wish I were someone else. I can’t keep putting my parents down and not Rex and Melody, though. It’s not like they are perfect either. They stole me.
Little flashes of fear flicker through me again. The feeling of being grabbed… of being confused. They stole me and told me my parents were dead. And it hurt. I never let myself remember that I’d been sad at first. How could they hurt me if they loved me? Or did that mean they loved me more? Because they risked it all for me and wanted me so badly.
The world would be easier without so many questions of what love is and how to do it properly. I see it when Laney and Maddox look at each other or between Adrian and Laney and Colt and Cheyenne. I’ve seen it with my parents looking at me or Rex and Melody looking at me and I’ve felt it too. And still I don’t understand it. Don’t get how people can love someone and want them to be someone different or love them and hurt them.
Before I know it, we’re pulling into my driveway and Maddox is turning off his motorcycle. With a kick, I pull my leg over the bike and pull the helmet from my head. “Tell me about your sister and Adrian.” I don’t know why I need to know but there’s suddenly this thirst that I can’t quench. There has to be a story there. Maybe if I know it, it’ll help me understand.
One, two, three, four, five. Maddox sits on the bike, not looking at me. Then he pulls the helmet from his head and I know I struck a chord—that the way his sister and Adrian got together somehow ties to him too. I see the ache in him that he tries so hard to bury. “Shit. I’m sorry. It’s not my business. You don’t have to tell me anything.”
Slowly, he turns his head, looks at me. He does that thing again where he closes his eyes for a second before taking a deep breath and opening them.
“I shouldn’t have asked,” I say, trying to make up for inadvertently pushing him.
“My dad killed Adrian’s son.” He turns, his jaw tight, eyes trained in front of him instead of on me.
Words escape me. Fighting, I try to find them in the maze of my mind but I can’t. His father killed Adrian’s son. And he’s with her. He loves her. And Maddox told me.
“Maddox… shit. I’m sorry.”
“Why?” He looks at me. “You didn’t do it. You didn’t get fucked up and get your girlfriend to go down on you while you were taking a corner too fast.” His hands tighten into fists. “He was two years old and my father ran him down in front of Adrian. That’s what started the shit with my mom.”
“How?” I’m shaking my head. We shouldn’t be doing this in the middle of my driveway. We maybe shouldn’t be doing it at all. Holy crap. His father killed Adrian’s little boy.
“Laney thought she could make it better. She wanted to find Adrian, tell him and apologize, like that would somehow fix all our lives. She thought Ash was Adrian’s nephew. But instead of telling him the truth, she fell for him. When she told him, she found out it was his son.”
Finally… finally he looks at me. “As you can imagine, he lost it. He found his way back to her, though. He loves her enough that he would do anything for her regardless of what we took from him.”
How do you love like that?
“What do you mean, ‘we’? You didn’t take anything from him. Just like you said I wasn’t in that car, you weren’t either.”
“I should go.” Maddox’s hand comes up to put the helmet back on his head, but I grab it. I don’t know what’s come over me but I need him here. Can’t let him leave.
Not after the truth he gave me.
“Don’t.”
I look at him. Really look at him. Yes, I’ve always thought he was gorgeous but that’s not all that’s there. I know that only now I’m seeing it. Seeing the pain inside him as though he’s wearing it for me. I don’t know where it all comes from or why he feels any responsibility for his father, but it’s there.
And my heart breaks for him.
“Why? Why should I stay, Bee? So we can keep fucking around? So we can draw pictures again or sleep in the same bed? Why do we keep playing these games?”