“Hey.” Maddox stands in my doorway, naked and so so beautiful. “Don’t. Wherever you’re going in that beautiful mind of yours… don’t.”
Without another word he turns off the light. I hear his footsteps on the carpet and then he’s grabbing my comforter and pulling it. When I scoot over, he lies down next to me before lifting the blanket on top of us.
“You shouldn’t be on your back.” Maddox pulls me over, so I’m half on him, my shoulder facing up and away from the mattress.
My body is stiff as we lie silently in the darkness. After what feels like a million years, he whispers, “It’s not easy for me either. Let’s not overthink it, yeah?” Like he’s known for doing, he goes silent after that.
Some of my tension evaporates with his words. Thinking of the leaves on my back and the fact that they’re his mark, I somehow relax. Wrapping my leg over the top of him, I nuzzle into his chest and go to sleep.
I’m not sure what wakes me later. It’s as though my eyes open and I’m awake. Maddox is holding on to me, his breath in my hair and his chest rising and falling against my cheek.
The ghost of a memory starts flittering its way through my head and I realize what woke me up. I’d been dreaming about Rex and Melody.
“Where’s my mommy?”
“She’s gone. We’re going to take care of you now. She wanted you to be with us.”
Waves and waves of tears had fallen from my eyes. I cried. Cried all night. Cried for days. How could I not have remembered that? How could I not have known I missed my parents? I’d suppressed all that terror.
Not wanting to wake Maddox, I push out of bed as quietly as I can. After grabbing my shirt, I slip it on and go to the room we were in earlier and sitting on the chair. With my knees bent, I wrap my arms around my legs and close my eyes.
They hurt me. Of course they hurt me. They stole me.
It’s this fog in my brain that I somehow contained all these years. I don’t know if I wanted to block out the fact that Rex and Melody had really hurt me—that they’d let me cry for the parents I believed were dead. What did I think? That they’d told me and I shrugged that it was okay and that was the end of it?
In the name of love, they’d broken my parents and my sister and… me, the one they claimed to care about. And now I have my parents back and I know they love me but they wish I was someone different too. All in the name of love. I don’t get why in the hell anyone would want to feel it. Why am I considering letting it get its claws into me?
As if I don’t control it, my hand reaches for the phone. I have no idea what time it is. I know it’s late. Still I dial my mom’s number, not sure why I’m doing it.
She answers on the second ring. “Hello?” Mom sounds as perfect as ever, not as though I woke her up when I know I probably have.
“Hey…”
“Leila? Is everything okay?” The pitch in her tone rises a notch.
Bee… my name is Be… Though I guess it’s really not, is it? “It’s cool. Everything’s… cool. I don’t know why I called. I’ll let you go—”
“No! I’m glad you called. I want to talk to you.”
She does. I know she does but her love and Rex and Melody’s love are still this murky fog that I don’t understand.
“Couldn’t sleep?” Mom asks after a minute of my silence.
“No… not really.” There’s a guy in my bed. A guy that I might have feelings for when I’ve never let myself really love anyone after I lost you and then Rex and Melody were ripped from me. “I have a headache.”
“Did you try a bath? That works for me. I keep the lights low, maybe light a candle and lay a wet washcloth over my forehead. It’s really relaxing.” There’s a rustle in the background and I imagine her sneaking out of bed so she doesn’t wake my dad. They’re courteous to each other like that.
“How’s Dad?” I’m not sure why I ask.
“He’s great. He misses you. We all do. We were thinking maybe you could come home one weekend soon. Your sister would love for you to meet her fiancé.”
“Yeah… yeah, we’ll plan something.”
“And you know if there’s anyone special in your life, you can bring them, right? We’d love it if you did. You’ve never brought anyone home, Leila—Bee. I know there has to have been someone. You’re such a pretty, smart young woman. Any man would be lucky to have you.”
“There’s never been anyone, Mom.” And that’s true. There never has been before… but maybe there could be Maddox now?
“What about… if there’s a woman, that’s okay too. You know we’d love you regardless.”
A humorless laugh falls from my lips. “There’s not a woman. I like men.”
“Honey, we want you to be happy. You’re so alone out there. All you have is that tattoo place. What about—”
“I didn’t call to do this with you. That tattoo place makes me happy. I’m not like Larissa.” Maybe I could have been. Then we’d all be happy.
When she speaks again, there’s a slight tremble in her voice. “That’s not fair. That’s not what I meant.”
Time to go. “I know. Listen, I better go. I just called to…” Nothing comes to me because there isn’t a reason.
Mom sighs and she’s quiet for a few minutes. There’s never been a time she doesn’t know what to say. “I love you, Leila. You know that, right? We all do. I want you to trust me.”
Love. There’s that word again. It finds its way into every conversation. Someone is always declaring their love to someone else but it doesn’t stop them from hurting other people. It doesn’t stop me from hurting other people. “I know. I gotta go. I’ll talk to you soon.”
When I hang up the phone, I let it slip through my fingers and fall to the couch, wishing I could be more like her. Wishing I could find the Leila inside me I used to be. Or even Coral. Both of those girls knew how to let people in.
Chapter Twenty-Four ~Maddox~
She’s been out of bed about an hour. I can’t stop thinking about her. Not only her but also me. Her and I. Whatever the fuck we are, if we’re anything. I’ve never let myself overthink shit because nothing has ever really mattered except for the stuff with my dad and my sister. But here I am thinking about her and wondering about the way she’d suddenly tensed against me, the little moans that snuck past her lips, and wanting to fucking erase her ache.
Instead, I let her go… That’s me, though, isn’t it? I didn’t do anything about Dad and I haven’t done anything to be there for Bee either.
The crazy part is… I want to. Want to learn how for her because she ties me in knots in the best way. I actually want to be with her and even though it’s scary as hell, I think she’s worth it.
Still, I haven’t left her bed. Haven’t walked to find her or tried to be a man and take care of her. I’ve been trying with Laney ever since I let them all down. Things with Bee are on a whole other playing field because I want to wipe her tears and make love to her until she forgets about all those secrets she keeps locked away from me.
The same fucking way I do with her.
Still, I want to try.
My eyes are drawn to the door, seconds before she walks through it. Her shadow, dark in an even darker room as she makes her way back to the bed and climbs in.
I can tell she’s on her side, facing me, but her skin hasn’t come in contact with mine. I want to wrap her inside me where we can both pretend we’re not fucked up and lost. The urge to ask her where she was for so long begs to fucking break through my lips. I don’t let it.