The same man who loves my little sister more than anything. Who takes care of her better than I ever could despite the fact that she’s connected to the worst fucking moment of his life—not knowing that one word from me could have stopped it all. I hate it that I let myself be a silent bystander.
“He was two years old when he died. Two. And even though I hated my father and stopped playing ball with him, I still let my stupid fucking dream get in the way of doing what was right. I let him go and he killed Ashton and broke Adrian and I’ve still kept my mouth shut this whole time. I don’t have the balls to step forward even now.
“I’ve hated Mom for being so broken all these years when it was partially my fault. When she died, I almost felt… Christ it was almost a relief because she won’t be hurting anymore and she can’t hurt my sister. What kind of guy feels relief when his mom kills herself?”
We’re standing only a few inches from her. I’m breathing heavy, my chest heaving in and out, my fists tight as I wait for her to tell me I’m as weak as I know I am. For her to be disgusted because I’ve let so many people get hurt and I treat them all like shit, even though I could have stood for something important for once in my life.
When everything went down with Adrian and Laney, I accused him of being a pussy, when I’m even worse. I’m weak and I’m a liar.
“He was a kid, Bee. And Mom… fuck, she loved my dad. I hate her for how she treated Laney but she really fucking loved him. My sister lost both her parents and lives with the knowledge of what our dad did every time she looks at Adrian. One word from me could have changed everything.”
We could have been happy. People didn’t have to die.
My eyes find Bee again, afraid of what I’ll see there. I wait as she crosses her arms, looks up at me before she finally speaks, her words completely unexpected. “Are you done now, Scratch?”
Chapter Twenty-Seven ~Bee~
Maddox is speechless. He’s standing in front of me with his mouth open and I’m praying like hell I’m doing the right thing. There’s a part of me that wants to reach for him—to pull him to me and hold him because he’s living with so much misplaced guilt. He’s taking the blame for Adrian’s kid, his sister, his mom, and everyone else his dad hurt when none of it was his fault.
Because he loves them?
When Maddox still doesn’t reply, I continue. “You’re too smart to think all that is your fault. I can imagine how everything you’ve been through hurts. None of it was your doing, though.”
When he steps to the side as though he’s going to go around me, I follow, keeping in front of him. Maddox could easily push me out of the way but he won’t. I know it.
“If I would have told—”
“Then maybe, maybe things would have turned out differently, but there’s a good chance they wouldn’t have. Your mom still would have been hurt by him. He probably wouldn’t have quit gambling or left the other woman for her, which means he still could have been on that road.”
“But he might not have too!” he yells, his eyes slightly wet. No tears fall because that’s not Maddox. I wonder if he’s ever opened himself up enough to cry, even when he’s alone.
“I need to get out of here.” He moves to step around me again. Before he can, I grab his arm.
“You said you don’t want to be a pussy, so don’t. I’m telling you something here. Don’t run.”
“Pfft.” He pulls away but makes no attempt to leave. “Look who’s talking. I know shit about you, Bee. I’ve told you things about me I’ve never told anyone else, and I don’t know why you run from a mom who obviously loves you or why you needed a new name. I know shit about you, so you have no right talking to me about running.”
His words stab me, a truth that I wish I could change—wish I could be like him because I actually want him to know me in the way he’s let me know him.
“I never claimed to be anything other than who I am. You’re right and I know it.”
“Then what room do you have to talk?”
“I don’t! You think I don’t know that?” The urge to cry burns behind my eyes, in my chest, and God do I want to reach for him. To stop dancing around in this masquerade and figure out who I am, to be proud of it and to learn to love the way he does.
After taking a few deep breaths, I reach inside me and find words. “I’ve never let anyone in as much as I’ve let you. It’s scary as hell and my instinct is to run like crazy but I’m here. I might not be as strong as I’m telling you to be but I’m here… for you.” The words make my chest ache; I’m embarrassed because I know how crazy they sound.
“It scares the hell out of me. I’ve seen people ruin lives in the name of love, feel like lesser of a person when they can’t be what others want them to be and I’ve seen it given unconditionally too…” That’s how Mom loves Dad. How my whole family loves each other and how I know they want to love me, but how can they? I was gone for so long and I came back a shell of the person they knew. Maybe they loved Leila, but Leila isn’t Bee.
I turn my head, unable to look at him anymore, scared to see what reflects in his gray eyes because I think I told him I want to love him. Or that I do. Hell, I don’t even know what I said. Maddox doesn’t let me off easily. Gentle hands touch my chin and push until I’m looking at him again.
He’s breathing so hard I feel his breath. Wonder if he hears the wild beat of my heart.
“And?” His voice comes out raspy.
And I don’t get love. Don’t want to feel it even though I worry I already do. I was stolen and shown love only to be told it was wrong. To remember how they hurt me and then returned to find out I couldn’t be the same girl my real family loved.
“I’ve seen the way you love your sister. You would do anything for her. You lied to my mom for me and you’ve been there for me when I haven’t been able to give you anything in return. Nothing that happened with your family is your fault. You couldn’t have known what your dad would do and telling your mom probably wouldn’t have stopped him. I guess”—I shrug—“that’s what I can do for you. What I want for you, Maddox. For you to know that you’re probably the best person I know. None of what happened was your fault. Your dad is responsible for his actions, and your mom is responsible for her reactions. It’s not a child’s job to police their parents.”
And even though everything I said is true, I still avoid telling him about me and it feels wrong. Maddox drops his hand from my face and I know he knows it too. He thinks he’s a coward, but it’s me. I’ve let him down the way I let my real family down as well.
He steps away. “If that’s all you have for me, it’s not enough.”
My legs go weak but I manage to keep myself standing. That’s what I do. I’m strong. I push through. I lived through losing my parents the first time and then losing Rex and Melody. This is something else I will make it through. It’s not like we didn’t know it would end anyway. It’s gone on too long as is.
My hand longs to reach up and grab my chest like that will somehow ease the pain there.
Oh, God. I love him. I really think I love him.
“Okay… We’ll finish with things you have going on here. I’m sure you and Laney will need help with arrangements for your mom and I want to be here for you. I—”
“What’s the point, Bee? It’s not going to change anything. You didn’t want ties anyway, so I’m not going to force them on you. You might as well leave now.”