Breath catches in my throat. I might not have wanted ties but they’re there now… only he wants to cut them.
“That’s what you want?” Say no. I’m sorry. I’ll be what you need me to be—no! I am who I am, and I won’t change that for anyone.
“It’s what’s going to happen.” Without another word, Maddox turns and walks from the room. After letting myself take three deep breaths, I grab my things before I leave.
It feels like it takes years to get to my car. I turn it on, letting the engine run as though sitting here will make a difference. It doesn’t.
I can do this. I’ve done it before. I’ve lost before. The whole time I’ve planned to lose Maddox, and that’s exactly what’s happening.
Car in reverse. Back up.
In drive. Go forward.
For a good fifteen minutes I drive. Keep going until I feel like I’m going to burst out of my skin. Until a scream climbs up my throat and I’m scared I won’t be able to hold it in. I jerk the car to the right and pull over. The second it stops, aching cries rip from my mouth. My face is wet and my shoulders shake as I cry. When was the last time I cried? When I was taken and thought I lost my family? When I had to understand why I had new parents and couldn’t tell anyone that I used to have different ones? When Rex and Melody made me cry because they wanted me too much—because they wanted a child to love?
Or was it when I went home? When I laid in bed at night trying to figure out how to be Leila for these perfect parents who loved me so much. For a sister who missed me? When I had to force myself how to forget about Coral, when both Coral and Leila were suddenly strangers?
Who am I?
Because Bee isn’t enough. Not for Maddox at least and even though I want to feel okay with that, I can’t. Because I love him. That strange fucking word that people put so much stock into that causes nothing but pain.
All I know is I’m tired of hurting, tired of losing. Tired of running and avoiding.
My eyes hurt from crying so much but it’s nothing compared to the emptiness in my chest. That space I never wanted to fill and then Maddox snuck inside, took it over, and now he’s gone.
Because I couldn’t say good-bye to my past. I couldn’t for my parents, and now I can’t for him either.
No matter what, my past continues to haunt me.
Shaking my head, I hope to evict the thoughts there. After wiping my face on the sweatshirt in the passenger seat of my car, I start it again and drive away.
Chapter Twenty-Eight ~Maddox~
I’m up before the sun, which would piss me off if my head weren’t full of so much other shit. Mom, Laney, Bee. They’re all pulling me in different directions, three voices yelling for attention in my brain, making me get why people like Adrian turned to shit like weed when things go bad. Not that I would because that’s not me. I hate that shit but right about now, I would give almost anything to forget.
Forget she died.
Forget I hated her.
That I hurt my sister.
Took something from her.
And Bee. Jesus Christ I wanted her to stay. Wanted her to tell me she could give me more because I want that with her. Wish she could open up to me the way I did with her. Only with her. She didn’t want me enough to try, though.
My fists tighten, wishing like hell I could hit something, but instead I shove out of the bed I’ve been lying awake in for hours and head to the bathroom.
The shower doesn’t help, so after I get dressed, I grab my phone and the keycard so I can walk down and get a pack of cigarettes before going to see Laney. As I’m heading down the outside walkway, I don’t know what makes me do it but pull my cell out of my pocket. I let my finger ghost over the missed call button.
I know exactly what I’ll see. I still do it anyway. My finger presses down.
One, two, three, four, five… they keep going—one missed call after another, all of them with the same name.
Mom.
Fire burns through me and for the first time in my life, I wish it would burn me alive. Wish for something, anything, to swallow the guilt that’s inside me.
Just like Dad did, I pushed her aside. Yeah, she was horrible to Laney and that shit was so fucking wrong, but I never even tried to do anything to change it. Never tried to help. I pushed her away and drowned in all my fucking anger, casting her aside like Dad did.
I had no idea how to help her. And now she’s gone.
Stopping, I drop against the wall and close my eyes. Try and calm the breaths rushing from my lungs. I want to lose it, really fucking lose it. Shaking starts in my insides and burns outward. Heat engulfs me—anger, rage, pain, whatever the fuck else I can find in there, and it’s crazy because I actually want to let it out. I never lose it. I just become an asshole and walk away. I want to be free of it. And I sent away the only person I can do that with.
And she left easily.
“Last time we met in a hotel walkway like this, there was a lot of fucking blood. Think we can skip that part this time so we don’t hurt your sister anymore?” Adrian stops beside me.
“Fuck you.”
“Heard that from you before. It’s getting old as hell. Called your room and you weren’t there, so I told Laney I’d come check on you. I’ll tell her you’re being your typical asshole self.”
It’s on the tip of my tongue to tell him fuck you again. It doesn’t matter right now. He doesn’t or I don’t. “How is she?”
Adrian shakes his head like it’s a stupid question, which I guess it is. “She’s hurting, man. How do you think she is? She loves her mom and now she’s gone. She got into it with you last night and that always fucking kills her. But like you told me the last time we stood together at a hotel like this, she’s strong—stronger than all of us—so she’ll be okay. Even if she didn’t have me, which she always will, she’ll be okay.” He crosses his arms and I know he’s not done yet. I don’t know why I don’t walk away from the bastard.
“Which is exactly why you shouldn’t have gone without her, man. Is it a shitty thing to see your mom like that? Yeah, and I wish like hell she didn’t have to but she can handle it and it was her right to be there—with you. She doesn’t need you to save her—never has.”
I hate him more for telling the truth. Hate myself because he’s still manning up in a way I won’t.
“I didn’t think she’d want to go and see her like that. I want to do right by her.”
Adrian studies me. His eyes narrow but not like he’s pissed—like he’s trying to put together some kind of puzzle. He crosses his arms, and again I want to tell him to fuck off. Whatever shit he wants to give me, I’m not in the mood for it right now.
“I know you do. You’ve loved her better than I did my own sister but you need to let her live too.”
His words are needles sticking into me, prick after prick. Because they’re almost… cool. I didn’t expect them and wish they weren’t both truth and lie.
“I know she can handle it and I haven’t been a good brother to her.”
Adrian shakes his head. “Christ, I can’t believe I’m going to do this. I should have brought a bottle of whisky like you did. Would be easier.”
I almost laugh at that.
Adrian leans against the wall, looking forward. I turn from him, too, knowing whatever he’s going to say, I’m not going to want to see him while he does it.
“I don’t know how much Laney told you about me, but my dad used to beat us. I watched as he beat my mom and I let my sister Angel take beatings for me too. I was young, so fucking young, but that doesn’t matter. What does is I let them down. Then Angel took me to live with her and the first thing I do is get some girl pregnant at sixteen. Then I had a son—Ash—and…”