It’s as though Adrian’s hand is fisted around my throat. He’s cutting my air off and cutting my heart out and I know I deserve it. Still, I don’t know if I can listen to him talk about his son.
“He was fucking incredible, ya know? Only two but it was like he knew the world better than I did. Angel helped me with him too. She took care of both of us and when he died, I bailed on her. When have you walked away from Laney?”
“I wasn’t there… when Mom slit her wrists.”
“That’s a fucking bullshit answer and you know it. You didn’t leave. You were working. You’ve never fucking left her. You came with her to Brenton even though you didn’t believe in what she was doing. You sacrificed loving your own mom for her.”
My eyes snap to him at that and he’s looking at me. Looking like he knows shit about me that I don’t. “I’m not playing let’s open up and talk with you. That’s not me.” Pushing off the wall, this strange thought filters into my head. I want to take those words back…
Because he’s being fucking real. In a lot of ways, that’s who I am. I’m real and honest and don’t sugarcoat anything. Maybe that’s really a lie. That’s what I want people to think. I’ve been a prick to him. Our father killed his son and he’s standing here talking to me about him.
“Fucking pussy.” Adrian’s hand comes down on my shoulder. His accusation is another truth because I am exactly what he said. “You play that game real well. You accused me of being weak when you’re just as bad. You hide behind being a prick, the whole fucking time pretending all you want to do is take care of your sister, but that’s not all, is it? There’s more to it than that but you aren’t man enough to face it.”
At that I whip toward him, words doing what my fists have done the other times we’ve fought. “You want to know the truth? Is that going to change so fucking much? Fine, I used to go with my dad when he gambled. I kept it from Mom and Laney, pretending it was for their own good and that I thought he would stop. Really it was to be selfish. I never said a word—just gave up playing football with him, telling myself I was sacrificing something so it wasn’t wrong.
“And then I confronted him one day when he was leaving. Threatened to tell but as soon as he brought up money, I let it go. I let him walk out the door and I didn’t tell Mom or Laney and then he killed a little boy.”
Adrian’s face pales at that. His jaw tightens, fire burning in his eyes.
“Every fucking day I hate myself for that. Not for me but because a kid died because of my selfishness. And then my sister fell in love with the boy’s father and I look at him and pretend to fucking hate him when I know he’s more of a man than I am. I watch him love my sister better than anyone in her life has and all I see are my own failures. I would do anything—any-fucking-thing—to get that day back! I will never…”
I let out a deep breath. Adrian still isn’t moving. His hand has fallen from my shoulder, and he looks sick. Looks like he could pass out and I know I’m screwing with him more by finally opening my mouth and telling him the truth.
“I will never regret anything like I do that day. All these years I’ve been trying to make it up to Laney, trying to be what she needs so she doesn’t feel her loss, but it’s nothing compared to what I owe you. Every day of my life, I will hate myself for that. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.”
One, two, three, seconds I close my eyes. Brace myself for the hit that I know has to be coming. He deserves to do more than punch me. When it doesn’t come, I open my eyes to see Adrian still staring at me.
“I’m sorry,” I tell him again before I turn and start walking away.
The end of the walkway gets closer and closer. I don’t know where I’m going. I only know I can’t fucking stay here.
My foot hits the top stair when I hear, “Wait.”
And as much as I want to keep going, I owe him this. Owe him to at least hear him out. Slowly, I turn and walk back to him. And he’s shaking, fucking trembling. I wish like hell he would hit me. It would be easier to deal with than this.
“You weren’t driving the car.” A pause. “You couldn’t have stopped him.” Adrian’s words are slow… measured, pain traveling from them to me. I see how much he’s struggling, how much he wants to believe the words he’s saying. “It’s not your fault, like it isn’t my fault. I let him play in the yard when I knew I shouldn’t. I wasn’t standing next to him to protect him like a father should… but I also wasn’t behind that wheel.” He runs a hand over his face. “And… and neither were you.”
When I was younger, before I really got what Dad was doing, I looked up to him. Once the truth came out, I stopped. I’ve respected people since then—Laney, Bee, and even Adrian for still loving my sister—but I’ve never looked up to someone until this second. “How can you say that?”
“Because it’s true.”
For the first time since I found out what Dad did, a tear slips out of my eye. Christ, we have all lost so fucking much. Parents, kids, dreams—way more than our fair share. We’ve hurt people we’ve loved and we’ve hurt ourselves and we’ve been lost. Through it all, we’re still fucking standing. Adrian’s doing more than that now; he’s learning to live.
I want to live too…
“I was wrong about you. I’ve known it but I want you to know it. I was wrong. You’re more of a man than I’ve ever been, and I can only hope like hell I’ll be this strong one day. My sister is lucky to have you. I’m lucky to have you take care of her. I’ve hurt Laney and my mom and treated you like shit. And Bee… Christ, even her. I told her to go. I let her walk away from me instead of trying to be what she needed. Instead of showing her I love her so she felt safe enough to let me inside.”
I’ve made such a fucking mess of everything. I’ve acted like my dad and I will never let myself do that again.
“Then fix it. Start with her.”
Shaking my head, I say, “I can’t. She left. I don’t know where she went and Laney… I need to do this with her.”
“When will you ever fucking learn, man? If you really love Bee, Laney would rather you fix shit with her. She can take care of things here, and I’ll be here with her every step of the way. And… and she’ll be there for me too.” His eyes are hard on me, making sure I know what he’s saying. That he has to talk to my sister about what I told him because he needs her. That’s what they do for each other.
That’s what I want to do for Bee.
“You managed to Sherlock your way into finding me when I left Laney. Do that for yourself.” Adrian reaches into his pocket, pulls out a set of keys, and tosses them at me.
Looking at him, I know what he’s going to do. He’s going to Laney to face what I told him and deal with it head-on. They’ll face taking care of Mom’s arrangements together too. I’m so tired of fucking running. I’ve never faced anything. I kept quiet about Dad. I walked away from football. There isn’t one thing in my life I’ve had the balls to fight for—until now.
Just then my sister walks up the stairs and stops when she sees us. “I was worried about you guys. Is everything okay? Maddy, I’m sorry for—”
“I’m in love with Bee.” Shock colors her face at my admission. “I love her and she left. I want to fight for her, Laney. Adrian…” My eyes dart to him and then back to my sister. “He taught me I need to fight for those I love—no, to fight with them.”
Her chin trembles and tears drip from her eyes. “Adrian?”
“Yes.” For the first time in possibly my whole life, I’m the one to pull her into a hug. I don’t stiffen, only hold her as tight as I can. “I’m sorry for everything I’ve done to you. I’m sorry for how Mom treated you and sorry I hurt her too. And… he loves you. I’ve known that and I should have told you. I’m glad you have him.”