If I had been on the rum last time we met it was no wonder I didn't remember. I looked closely at Elvira then at the girl on the stage now being attended to by two matelots, one of them the muscle shirt. I looked back at Elvira and took a healthy slug of rum. When I could speak again I engaged a careful brain cell.
"Now, my dear, I shall be very diplomatic here. I can't think of any other way to say it though – I really can't tell you apart!"
Elvira threw back her head and laughed.
"That 'cos we twins! Twins! Like as peas in a pod! She Alvira, I Elvira!"
A memory came back to me of an octopus-like engagement in the back room of the Watering Hole a year or two before. I seem to recall being blindfolded and made to guess whose anatomy was pressed on or around me at any given moment. I took a great many guesses, and I have to confess I sometimes made a deliberate mistake to prolong the inquisition.
I put an arm round Elvira and planted a kiss on her full lips.
"Now I remember! Let's see, when we left off you were just about to…"
"Service!"
A familiar voice cut across the music and cheers appreciative of Alvira and her entourage. I twisted round and peered into the murk. Elvira caught me just before I twisted a twist too far and landed on the floor.
My wife waved an arm in the "bring me a drink" gesture known by barmen the world over.
I looked guiltily at my watch and managed to make out the orientation and identity of the hands. Should I have been at the Lobster Pot by now? No, I had another ten minutes to make it. Why then had my newly betrothed tracked me down to this spot?
I saw her companion and had an inkling. Perhaps I was not in trouble after all.
He was large and black, in a gleaming white uniform. Very large and very black. For some reason though Miss Lawrence was keeping her hands to herself and had wrapped her legs in a reef knot.
"Who's the big feller?" I asked Elvira from the level of her breasts.
"That Leroy Biggin! He from Barbuda! They all big there! I meet him there when I work in Princess Di hotel!"
The inkling became a bigger inkling.
"A descriptive name, may I hazard a guess?"
Elvira giggled again.
"Ver' descriptive! He a big Biggin!"
The inkling became a certainty.
"Who dat wit' him? You know she?"
"But of course, my dear. Come and meet my wife."
Elvira looked at me disbelievingly as I collared the rum bottle and steered a course for the Lawrence and Biggin table. By the time I got there Miss Lawrence was sipping a rum punch and Biggin was halfway down a Red Stripe.
I heard Miss Lawrence speak, with a slight catch in her voice.
"Is it true your people are – blessed – in proportion to your height?"
Biggin laughed and showed pearly white teeth.
"No ma'am, that ain't true. Why, if it were I would be ten feet tall!"
Miss Lawrence paled. Elvira sighed nostalgically beside me.
I fell into a chair at the table.
"Mrs. Neptune, meet Elvira. Elvira, meet my beloved wife Jay."
Elvira held out a hand and Jay shook it.
"Pleased to meet you," they said simultaneously.
Jay looked at me welcomingly.
I waved the rum bottle at the young lad. He took a slug without turning a hair.
"Well?" I said. "Still time before we meet at the Lobster Pot. Are you going to have your bit of fun, then?"
"Er, Gigi will be waiting for us, and, er, I'm getting hungry, and, er, we don't want to keep Gigi waiting, and, er…" Jay started to push her chair back.
I watched, puzzled, then caught sight of Elvira's hand massaging Biggin's muscular thigh. I looked again. It wasn't his thigh. There was something sharing trouser space with his thigh, and winning the battle for occupancy. All became clear, and so did my mission.
"Now hold on," I cried cheerily. "The Black Widow can wait for a bit and knock back a margarita or twain. The back room's the place. Come on Elvira – lend a hand."
Elvira and I took Miss Lawrence by her elbows and hustled her past the stage and the squirming Alvira with her sailors, through a beaded curtain, and into Eldine's spartan but clean and tidy back room. Biggin followed, with a slight limp.
"Harry…!" Jay looked wildly around her for escape.
"You goin' enjoy this!" Elvira rolled her eyes and smacked her lips. She lifted Jay's brightly patterned skirt, swiftly revealing that the wanton little hussy had ventured forth sans panties.
"Bes' doggy style – max'mum input!" Elvira skillfully wrestled Jay to her knees, then slid under her with her arms around her waist. She gave Jay a kiss on the lips.
"This goin' be good, baby! I look af'er you!"
"Harry…!"
"Look on this as your introduction to the Caribbean, my love. Nothing like starting with a bang!"
I took a pull at the rum. It was going down much easier now. I had lost all sensation in my upper digestive tract.
Biggin stood behind Miss Lawrence, an odd aura of uncertainty hovering about his super-sized form. Hesitantly, he unzipped his white ducks and almost apologetically extracted a medium-sized mahogany tree. Elvira licked her plump dark lips and began to knead Jay's trembling buttocks with practiced hands.
I gulped.
Now the Neptune weapon is not to be sneered it. It holds its own in most company. I may modestly claim never to have had a complaint. But this behemoth – well, there are occasions when there is nothing to do but raise the white flag and admit defeat.
I grasped Jay's hair, lifted her head, and poured Vincentian rum into her open mouth as Biggin sank to his knees behind her.
White heat flooded my throat as I swallowed the potent liquor, feeling it inflame its way down to my stomach. The stuff could make you go blind yet I had a strange suspicion I could get to like it. I have a fondness for chili pepper. However, I was in a tight spot and had to think quickly. Crying "Rape!" would get me nowhere in the back room of a strip joint by the docks, and knowing my dearly beloved, would only incite Harry Neptune to greater heights of depravity. Elvira felt warm and silky between my thighs and her long nimble fingers were eliciting some deeply pleasurable sensations, massaging my bottom and spreading me wide for the young lad's monster tool. I could handle Elvira but Biggin's equine cock would have to wait 'til I asked the Lush for some pussy stretching tips. In a sudden flash of brilliance, a fiendish plan emerged. The vast, swollen head of Biggin's knob pressed lightly on my vulva and I let out a piercing squeal.
"Lube, darling! We must have lots of lube! This heat is drying me up and we might get stuck!"
Biggin gulped loudly. I wondered just how many times he'd actually managed to get the monster up. A really huge cock is less than a blessing, unless you take your prize-winning prong into the realm of XXX. I continued, having formed a small breach in the opposition's psyche.
"Lube me up, honey. Just think how good it's going to feel."
"Mmm, oh yeah, baby girl. I get yo' all wet n' willin'."
Elvira moaned softly and reached out one arm to rummage on a nearby shelf, upon which, I had noted, there was an economy-sized bottle of triple-strength SupaLoob. Harry's hand had lost its prior tight grip on my hair and, seizing the moment, I shot out from my trio of captors like a frenzied sprinter leaving the starting block. There was nowhere to go but on stage. I threw myself through the curtain of beads and came to a skidding halt beside the writhing Alvira.
"Oi! Come back here, bint! Call yourself a proper wife?"
I looked over my shoulder. Harry was more than a little inebriated. He leaned heavily against the door frame, artfully draped in the strings of multi-colored beads. The bottle of rum dangled limply from one hand.
"Come back here and let the lad fuck you, you disobedient trollop!"