“A cow has horns, I think,” Hymie replied.
“Good-that settles that,” Max said, approaching the animal with the horns. “Now, then. .” He looked under the steer. “Are you positive about that horn business?” he asked, raising up. “This cow doesn’t seem to have any faucets.”
“The horse doesn’t either,” Hymie reported.
“Maybe we’ve got a handicapped cow here,” Max said.
“Or-” Hymie began.
Just then, though, 99 appeared. “You!” she called to Max and Hymie. “I want to ride. Saddle the pony for me.”
“I guess she doesn’t recognize us,” Max said to Hymie. “These handlebar mustaches are a better disguise than I thought.”
“I think she’s putting on an act, Max,” Hymie said.
“What for, for heaven’s sake? We’re old friends.”
“She’s acting like a real guest, Max, to keep the other hands from getting suspicious.”
“Oh,” Max nodded.
“Well-are you going to saddle the horse?” 99 asked. “Or do I have to report you to the management?”
“There’s a little difficulty about that, lady,” Max replied. “But maybe you can straighten it out. Do you happen to know which one of these horses is the horse?”
“The high one,” 99 replied.
“Wouldn’t you know?” Max sighed. “When you have to put a saddle on it, it’s always the high one.” He went to the shed where the fodder and gear were kept and returned a moment later with the saddle. “What’re all these straps and buckles for?” he asked.
“For strapping the saddle onto the horse,” 99 said.
“Snaps would certainly be a lot more practical,” Max grumbled.
Moving closer, 99 whispered, “What have you found out, Max?”
“Please, lady,” he replied, “I’m only a hired hand. I don’t think I’m allowed to mix with the guests.”
“Max!”
“We found out that they have bedside computers in all the rooms in the bunkhouse,” Hymie said to 99.
“Hymie, cut that out,” Max scolded. “Didn’t you hear me-we’re not supposed to mix with the guests. Do you want to get us fired?”
“It’s me, Max,” 99 whispered.
“I know that, 99. That wig didn’t fool me for a minute. I just wanted to show you that I’m as good an actor as you are.”
Max tossed the saddle onto the horse-and it slid off the other side. “Good thing you weren’t in it,” he said to 99. “You might have got a nasty fall.”
“Do you have anything to report?” Hymie asked 99, while Max was retrieving the saddle.
“Yes. . something very peculiar,” 99 replied. “The guests are. . well, they’re acting very strangely. They’re supposed to be on vacation. . and yet. . they’re enjoying themselves. .”
Max tossed the saddle onto the horse from the other side-and it kept right on going and landed on 99, pinning her to the ground.
Max reappeared. “You should have stayed out of it until I had it strapped to the horse, 99,” he said. “It looks like you had a nasty fall.”
“Max. . will you get this thing off me?”
He picked up the saddle, and 99 got to her feet. “I was just telling Hymie about the guests,” she said. “They’re enjoying themselves.”
“They probably haven’t been horseback riding yet,” Max guessed.
“No, it’s more than that,” 99 said. “It’s really sort of eerie. I mean, I know about vacations. I’ve been on vacation myself. And I know how it goes. You sit around bored stiff most of the time. You worry about what’s happening back at the office. But these people aren’t doing that. They’re having a fine time. I’ve never seen a happier bunch.”
“They sound like a bunch of phonies to me,” Max said.
“99. . do you have a bedside computer in your room?” Hymie asked.
“Of course,” 99 replied. “Also television and a sauna and a barbecue pit and a sandbox. Why?”
“I think what we’ve stumbled onto is not really a dude ranch, but a clinical laboratory,” Hymie said.
“I agree,” Max said. “That sandbox is a dead giveaway.”
“I don’t understand,” 99 frowned.
“I’ll have Hymie explain it to you,” Max said. “I’m still tied-up trying to get this saddle on.” He turned to Hymie. “Explain my thinking to her, Hymie.”
“I suspect that KAOS is conducting a test here,” Hymie said. “The bedside computers have all been brainwashed. And, in turn, the computers are brainwashing the guests-making them believe they’re enjoying themselves.”
“That’s horrible!” 99 shuddered.
“If the test works here, it will prove the theory that KAOS can control the world simply by controlling the world’s bedside computers,” Hymie said.
“What I don’t understand,” Max said, “is how the sandbox fits in.”
“It doesn’t, Max,” Hymie replied.
“It’s just a convenience, Max, in case you happen to have the children with you on vacation,” 99 explained.
“Oh. Listen, 99, would you mind if I came to your room tonight?”
“Max!”
“All right, all right. If you’re going to be that way about it, keep your sandbox to yourself-see if I care.”
“Max,” 99 said, “were you listening when Hymie explained what’s going on here?”
“I didn’t have to, 99. It was my idea, wasn’t it?”
“We’ll have to be careful not to let our bedside computers brainwash us,” Hymie warned.
“You’re right,” Max said. “If we started enjoying our work the way these guests are enjoying their vacation, we’d become totally useless. What we’ll have to do is listen very carefully to what our bedside computers tell us to do, and then do exactly the opposite.”
“That might not help,” Hymie said. “Suppose Ways and Means adjust the computers to order us to do the opposite of what they want us to do. If we do the opposite of the opposite, then, in fact, we’ll be doing exactly what Ways and Means want.”
“Only a machine could come up with a nutty idea like that,” Max said. “And neither Means nor Ways are machines-so forget it.” Max had been busy with the saddle while carrying on the conversation. Now, he pointed proudly to his work, and said to 99, “There you are-have a nice ride, lady.”
“Max. . you saddled the steer,” 99 said.
“Lady, you know that, and I know that,” Max said, “but the steer doesn’t know it. It thinks it’s a horse. Take a close look-it isn’t wearing its faucets.”
“I’ve changed my mind-I don’t think I’ll ride today, after all,” 99 said. She lowered her voice. “I’ll go back to the guest house and keep my eyes and ears open.”
“Anytime we can be of service, lady-don’t hesitate to call on us,” Max said.
99 departed, headed toward the guest house.
“Fantastic willpower,” Max said to Hymie.
“How do you mean that, Max?”
“She’ll probably spend the whole day hanging around the lobby, hanging around the pool, sticking strictly to duty.”
“That doesn’t sound so difficult, Max,” Hymie said.
“Are you kidding? Staying on the job, when you’ve got your own private sandbox waiting for you in your room? Talk about a challenge to the old willpower!”
“I think I’ll do some scouting around, Max,” Hymie said. “But one of us better stay here with the horse and cow.”
“Let’s see. . if you go scouting around, that leaves me to do the horse and cow sitting, right?”
“Right, Max.”
“Machines don’t have all the brains,” Max said smugly.
Not long after Hymie had gone, a plump, middle-aged woman appeared. She was wearing riding breeches and carrying a riding crop.
“Good afternoon, young man,” she said gayly. “I think I’ll take one of the ponies out for a gallop.”
“Isn’t that a little strenuous at your age, lady,” Max said. “The horse is probably used to it. But you’re not as young as you used to be, you know. You don’t look to me like you could even walk fast, let alone gallop.”
The woman giggled. “I’ll be riding the pony,” she explained. “Although,” she said, “I’m not sure how well I’ll do at it. I’ve never ridden a horse before. In fact, being from the city, I can’t recall ever seeing a horse before-not up close, anyway.” She pointed. “I probably wouldn’t have known that was a horse if it didn’t have a saddle on it.” She placed a foot in the stirrup. “Will you give me a leg up, please?” she asked.