“Go to hell.” His mouth twisted sideways. His hand on my arm jerked me around towards him. His right fist rose rapidly towards my face.
I parried the uppercut with my left forearm, stepped in close and locked his arms in a bear-hug. “When are you going to grow up? A punch in the nose never helped any situation.”
I knew Seifel’s type, had been dealing with it most of my adult life: the anxious ego walling itself in behind an adipose tissue of bluff and vanity.
“Turn my arms loose. I’ll show you who’s grown up, I’ll knock your block off.” He struggled to free himself, tears of anger rising in his eyes. Humiliation in front of a woman was hard for him to bear. No doubt he had had enough of it from his mother.
Helen Johnson came forward and put a hand on his shoulder: “Calm down now, Larry. If you don’t I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
He became perfectly still at her touch, though the tension stayed in his muscles. I released him. He turned to her in a trembling rage:
“You didn’t hear what he said.”
“What didn’t I hear?” She was very calm, perhaps too calm. Her beauty had grown colder with the night, colder and darker. There were lines in her brow, smudges of doubt in her eyes, distinct blue semicircles under them.
“He virtually accused you of murdering your husband. He definitely accused me of withholding information.”
“Well?” she said to me with a slight unchanging smile.
“Mr. Seifel is exaggerating. Forest, the F.B.I. man, referred to your husband’s death as indirect murder. I asked Mr. Seifel for a lawyer’s opinion: whether or not the kidnappers are legally responsible for your husband’s death.”
“Where did I come in?”
“You didn’t, until now.”
“Is that why you came out here at this hour – to ask Larry for a legal opinion?”
“There are several things I’d like to go into.”
“Let’s stick to the subject of Abel’s death. I’ve been thinking about it all evening – all night. I think I had better tell you the truth about it. There’s something about the truth–”
Seifel moved slightly, placing one dinner-jacketed shoulder in front of one of her shoulders. “Don’t say another word, Helen. You’re foolish to commit yourself on anything when you’re in an emotional state.”
She didn’t look at him. “As I was saying, in my emotional way, the truth has a saving grace. It’s something to hold on to when you’re falling through space – you know? – even when it’s bitter. Besides, I feel I owe it to myself, in my capacity as non-grief-stricken widow.”
Her brittleness was disquieting. I said: “Can we go in and sit down?”
“Of course. Forgive me. You must be exhausted. Mr. Forest gave me some idea of what you were trying to do. I can’t tell you how grateful–”
“For nothing,” I said. “Until you get Jamie back, it adds up to nothing.”
“No, I don’t agree.” There were sudden tears in her eyes. “But do come in.”
She seated me on a sectional divan that curved around the fireplace in a corner of the living-room. Eucalyptus logs were burning low in the grate, giving off a faintly medicinal odor. The indirect lights were dim along the walls, and night pressed heavily on the great window.
“What will you drink, Mr. Cross? Larry will be glad to make you a drink, won’t you, Larry?”
“Of course,” he answered in a low, disgruntled tone.
“You’re very kind, but I’m afraid I can’t. It might knock me out at this late stage.”
“Have one yourself then, Larry,” she said. “You know where the liquor is.”
He wandered out. She sat above me, on the square back of the divan:
“I used to like Larry. Lately he’s been getting on my nerves. Tonight was the last straw. He had the infernal gall to propose to me. He thought that now was the time for us to run away together and live happily ever after. Can you imagine, under these circumstances?”
“Yes. I can imagine.”
“I was on the point of ordering him out of the house.”
“Why didn’t you?”
“I was afraid to be left alone.”
“No friends or relatives?”
“None that I’ve wanted to be with. I wired my mother in New York and she’ll probably fly out tomorrow or the next day.” She lowered her voice. “Larry’s been quite a disappointment to me. I thought I could trust him to be tactful at least.”
“He’s been drinking since afternoon. It’s one way to lose one’s inhibitions.”
“The problem is to have inhibitions, isn’t it? So many people don’t have any at all any more. They do as they please, and more often than not it pleases them to ruin their own lives.” Her head, half bowed over me, was like a brooding queen’s. “What sort of a man are you, Mr. Cross?”
“You don’t expect an honest answer.”
“Yes.”
“I’m a slightly displaced person, I think. Nothing quite suits me, or rather I don’t quite suit.”
“Is that why you’ve never married?”
I leaned forward and struck the dying logs with a poker. A swarm of sparks rose like angry hornets and trailed up the chimney. I stood up facing her across the divan.
“You and Ann Devon have been talking about me.”
“Why not?”
“Did you talk about Larry Seifel?”
“Naturally. She’s very much in love with him, and I think Larry’s fond of her if he’ll admit it to himself. But you’re evading my question.”
“You asked for an honest answer. I had none. The question never came up. I suppose the answer to it is something like this: It’s part of my displacement. I feel more strongly for other people than I do for myself. For one thing, my parents had a bad marriage. It seems to me I spent a lot of my time when I was a kid trying to head off quarrels, or dampen down quarrels that had already started. Then I started college in the depths of the Depression. I majored in sociology. I wanted to help people. Helpfulness was like a religion with a lot of us in those days. It’s only in the last few years, since the war, that I’ve started to see around it. I see that helping other people can be an evasion of oneself, and the source of a good deal of smug self-satisfaction. But it takes the emotions a long time to catch up. I’m emotionally rather backward.”
“Do you honestly believe that?” Her eyes were dark and glowing.
I didn’t answer because I had no answer. Nobody knows himself, until later. I shrugged my shoulders. “I understand what you mean about helpfulness. Every good nurse has a broad streak of it. I’ve always prided myself on it. Isn’t it a virtue?”
“Most human qualities are, when they’re not in excess.”
“But how could – how could a desire to help someone else be wrong?”
“You have to judge things by their consequences.”
I looked around for Seifel, and saw that he was nowhere in sight. I decided to strike boldly: “I don’t know why you married Abel Johnson. If you married him for any reason but love, you shouldn’t have.”
“What right have you to say that?”
“None. But it hasn’t worked out.”
The flickering fire cast her shadow high up the wall. It wavered there like a woman clothed in black flames.
“I loved him,” she said, “in a way. Naturally I knew he was rich, and I’d worked hard all my life, but that isn’t why I married him.”
“What way?”
“You’re being cruel,” she said with her face averted.
“Events are being cruel. I want to see them end.”
“I pitied Abel. He begged me to be his wife, to look after him. He was lonely, and afraid of dying. And he wanted a son so badly… You were right, though. I admit it. It didn’t work out.”
“Why not?”
“He was so much older. I was a strain on him. He tried so hard to keep up. Even Jamie was hard on him. Abel was like a grandfather to the child. He loved him, but he couldn’t stand him under his feet all day. That’s one reason I let Jamie spend so much time with Fred Miner. It was my worst mistake. I made so many mistakes.”