“Yes! But I wasn’t sure—”
“Pardon the 3rd degree,” he said, in whimsical self-reprimand. “I’m the one who’s supposed to be minister of information! All right, Marjorie Morningstar (her father used to call her that), here’s the skinny: dinner at Spago, on Saturday night in Beverly Hills. Lots of luminaries and friends of the mayor are going to join us: Phyllis George, Merv Griffin, Joan Collins. RJ Wagner and his wife…you will love Jill and RJ. Chief Bratton might even stop by — his wife’s a pistol. We have the top 2 floors of the hotel reserved, all penthouse suites. Nothing but the best for my Sisters! If we’re a little tipsy, into the elevator we go. I don’t think the cops are making arrests for riding elevators under the influence — not yet! The next morning, it’s breakfast in bed before everyone boards Mr Bloomberg’s GV. Then, straight to JFK, smooth as silk! Fasten your seatbelt, Marj, it’s going to be an unbumpy night.” She was having a little trouble following. “Oh! And then”—he made the sound of a trumpet fanfare—“off to Gracie Mansion for the triannual Blind Sisters luncheon, with all the trims! Want your picture taken with Hillary Clinton? Your wish is my command. And you will love Mr Bloomberg. And Mr Trump. Personally, when I meet a billionaire I think: What’s not to love?” He laughed, and it was absolutely infectious. “You know,” said Lucas, growing serious, “the whole ‘Sisters’ program is actually Michael’s baby. So: are you with us, Marjorie Morningstar?”
“Why yes, I would love to be able to come.”
“Your presence is required. I will need that check from you.”
She searched her mind.
“I gave you the money order…”
“You certainly did, as a marker that lawfully secured your spot as a Shadow Drawing fundwinner. But the New York trip is only for those in the EAP — the Expedited Award Program. Marjorie Morningstar, I am remiss, and for that I apologize. I’m not sure what got into me. The New York trip certainly isn’t compulsory, by law. This award comes with no strings. And I didn’t bother explaining it because you seemed so comfortable here in Beverlywood, and to be honest, I wasn’t sure you’d be interested. Didn’t think you’d want to hop on a plane and go all the way to New York, which is a bit cold right now. I should never have assumed—”
“But I am, Lucas! I really would like to go.”
“Well, that is great. Because I for one would miss having you. Bonita’s coming, as you know, and it’s a pretty big and wonderful bunch — we’re gonna have ourselves a world class blast. Top o’ the world, Ma! Now, here’s precisely what it all means: those who’ve elected to participate in the EAP are entitled, again, by federal law, to receive their monies early, i.e., technically, at the exact moment wheels touch down on the runway in the great state of New York. By charter, those monies—ceremonially — must be given to you once we hit the tarmac. Because then, as our lawyers love to say, you’ve reached ‘sovereign soil,’ triggering what is called an ‘enrichment’—oh, they love having names for everything! — and all kinds of penalties accrue to the state if they do not make you ‘whole.’ I like to call it the Carpetbagger Clause! It’s actually a good thing, not just for the taxpayers of the State of New York but for the Blind Sisters as well. The tax implications are complex but I assure you favorable. The bottom line is that it’s contingent upon everyone who elects to enter the EAP to give the Superfund a check, pro forma, for a % of their windfall. It’s literally called a Windfall Pretax. Didn’t Bonita say — I’ll bet she did! she was about to burst! — didn’t she say that she was suddenly a million bucks or so richer?”
“Yes…I think she told me something had been wired—”
“$1,140,000. That came within 24 hours, by the way. And when we get to JFK — we might be dropping anchor in Newark this month, I actually need to make a mental note to check on that so the fleet of limos doesn’t go to the wrong FBO — wouldn’t that be a bungle — the minute we enter Big Apple airspace, Bonita Billingsley will receive a check for 12,000,000 more.”
“But she already got something—”
The old woman struggled to make sense of all the formulas — the forms and formulations. She didn’t want Lucas to think she was the slow one in the group.
“You bet. The amount of which is completely at my discretion to draw upon, as long as it does not exceed the tally allotted to the Windfall Pretax Fund, a number arrived at by a rather Byzantine series of accounting equations with which I promise not to bore you. But they do give me wiggle room, that’s one of the perks of my job. Again, Marjorie Morningstar, here’s the bottom line. If you give me a check for the amount of”—his thick pen had a calculator embedded within, and the slender fingers worked it like a pianist’s—“$563,789.53…if you give me that check tonight, or even tomorrow morning, but tonight would be preferred — I’ll bend the rules, whatever makes you feel comfortable — if you can give me that check, I will hand you a negotiable instrument and bill of exchange for the amount of $2,790,591.57 in a special toast at Spago on Saturday night. A pack of Rolls-Royces — they belong to the hotel — will then ferry the Sisters to their suites at the Four Seasons. Suite Sisters! We’ll have a small afterparty, attended by the likes of ‘unknowns’ such as Maria Shriver, Laura Chick — she’s the City Controller here in LA — and Ray Romano.” He was losing her again. “You’ll sleep the sleep of a babe in the woods. In the morning, you’ll have a lovely bath and breakfast en chambre. Then you and the Blind entourage will be whisked to a private airport in Van Nuys where our sky chariot awaits. Now, if you are opposed—you don’t even have to give me an answer just now — that’s fine. No pressure. We can enroll you in the expedited process, or not. I’ll tell you one thing: at the moment we speak, 3 others are vying to be EAP enlistees, but I only have one more slot. Marj, I want you to know absolutely that it doesn’t matter to me, either way — of course, I’ll be a little sad — and I know you might not be able to get your hands on that kind of money with such short notice. Unfortunately, the figure I quoted is the least I can accept without jeopardizing my job. It’s kind of a silly catch-22: you may not have the money now—but in 90 days, that number will be insignificant. Cause you’ve got 6,000,000 coming down the sluice! So, it’s important for you to hear that I won’t be upset, even though you’re one of my favorites” (he winked) “and that if you’re not with us, I just may curl up in my private bedroom on the G-5 and cry like a baby as they pass the caviar! But seriously, Ms Morningstar, let me know. You have my cell. You have my soul. You have my heart. Give me the word and ye shall be heard.”
The waiter came with fortune cookies and the check.