have an aversion to it because all your clothes will be drenched
and soaking and your lungs will be wet and your bones will
get all damp and wet and you can’t really see very well and the
rain’s too heavy and everything looks different from before
and you can’t really see through the rain and it’s getting in
your eyes as if your eyes are under water and burning, all
drowned in water, they hurt, and everything’s blurred and
your hair’s all wet as if it w o n ’t ever be dry again and there’s
water in your ears deep down and it hurts and everything's
chilly and wet. The w o rld ’s wet and watery and without
definition and without any fixed places o f reference or fixed
signs and it’s as if the city’s floating by you, like some flood
uprooted everything and it’s loose on the rapids and everywhere you step you are in a flood o f racing cold water. Y ou r feet are all wet and your legs are all wet and you squoosh in
your boots and all your clothes are soaked through and you are
dripping so much that it is as if you yourself are raining,
w ater’s flooding o ff you and it’s useless to be a person with
legs who counts on solid ground because here you have to
walk through water, which isn’t easy, yo u ’re supposed to
sw im through it but there’s not enough to swim through and
there’s too much to walk through, it’s as if yo u ’re glued and
gum m y and loose and the ground’s loose and the water’s loose
and yo u ’re breathing in water as much as air and you feel like
some fucking turkey that’s going to drow n in the rain; which
probably you will. Y o u ’re trying to walk home and it’s been a
long time, the old trick o f putting one foot in front o f the other
doesn’t seem to be working and you don’t seem to have got
very far but it’s hard to tell since nothing looks right or
familiar and everything’s under water and blurry and yo u ’re
cold and sort o f fixed in place because the w ater’s weighing
you down, kind o f making you so heavy you can’t really m ove
as i f yo u ’re an earthbound person m oving effortlessly through
air as is the case with normal people on normal days because it
ain’t air, it’s water. Y o u ’re all wet as if you was naked and your
clothes are wet and heavy as if they was lead and your breasts
are sore from the wet and the cold and your pubic hair’s all
wet and rubbing up against the wet stu ff all bunched up in
your crotch and there’s rain rolling down your legs and
com ing out the bottom o f your pants and yo u ’d be happier
naked, wet and naked, because the clothes feel very bad on
you, wet and bad. T h ey’re heavy and nasty and cold. The
m oney’s in your hand and it’s all wet, all rained out, soaking
wet, and your hand’s clutched, and you try proceeding
through the wet blur, you need to stay on the sidewalks and
you need to avoid oncoming cars and turning cars and crazy
cars that can’t see any better than you and you need to see the
traffic lights and you need to see what’s in front o f you and
w hat’s on the side o f you and what’s behind you, just as on any
regular day, and at night even more; but you can’t see and the
rain keeps you from hearing as well and you proceed slow ly
and you don’t get too far; it’s been a long time you been out
here and you haven’t gone but half a block and you are
drenched in water and breathing too fast and breathing too
hard and your legs aren’t carrying you right and the ground’s
not staying still and the water’s pushing you from behind and
it’d like to flatten you out and roll over you, and it ain’t nice
lapping against the calves o f your legs; and a cab stops; which
you have barely ever ridden in before, not on your own; it
stops; you’ve been in them when someone’s given you money
to deliver packages and said where to go and exactly what to
do and how much it would cost and still you were scared it
would cost too much and you wouldn’t have it and something
terrible would happen; a cab stops and you don’t know if two
dollars is enough or if he thinks you’re turning tricks, a dumb
wet whore, or if he just wants to fuck or if you could get inside
and he’d just take you home, a passenger; a cab stops and
yo u ’re afraid to get in because you’re not a person who rides in
cabs even in extremis even though you have two dollars and
it’s for taking a cab as the bartender said if you didn’t dream it
and probably he knows how much everything costs; a cab
stops; and yo u ’re wet; and you want to go home; and if you
got in the cab you could be home almost right away, very
close to right away, you could be home in just some few
minutes instead o f a very long time, because if you walk you
don’t know how long it will take or how tired yo u ’ll be and
you could get so tired you just stop somewhere to give up, a
doorw ay, an abandoned car, or even if you keep going it will
take a long time; and i f you got in the cab you could sit still for
a few minutes in perfect dignity and it would be dry and quiet
and you would be in the back, a passenger, and you could
ju m p if he pulled shit, if he started driving wild or going
somewhere strange, and yo u ’d give him the tw o dollars and
he’d take you home, and you get in the cab, it’s dark and
leather and yo u ’re scared about the m oney so you say upfront
that you only got two dollars and he asks where yo u ’re going
and you say and he says fine, it’s fine, it’s okay, it’s no
problem, and he says it’s raining and you say yeah, it is; and he
says some quiet, simple things, like sometimes it rains too
hard, and you say yes; he’s quiet and softspoken and there’s
long, curly hair cascading down his back and he says that I’m
wet with some sym pathy and I say yes I am; and he asks me
what I do in a quiet and sympathetic w ay and I say I’m a writer;
and he says he’s a musician, very quiet, nice; and I say I drank
too much, I was writing and I got restless and I got drunk and
he says yes he knows what that’s like, very quiet, very nice,
he’s done it too, everyone does it sometimes, but he doesn’t
keep talking, he’s very quiet, he talks soft, not a lot, and there’s
quiet moments and I think he’s pretty nice and I’m trying to
watch the streets to see where we are and w e’re going towards
where I live but up and down blocks, it doesn’t seem direct but
I don’t know because I don’t drive and I don’t know if there’s
one-w ay streets and the meter’s o ff anyw ay and he’s English