There was a commotion when one of the fishermen suddenly got a big strike. The old guy was standing right under a pier light when the fish hit and his face looked white and scared and popeyed as if he was about to have a heart attack, but when anybody went near him to try to help him he snarled at them and yelled at them to keep away. He wore a plastic raincoat, regular brown leather street shoes with no socks, short pants that came down below his knees and looked as if they were really long pants that had been cut off and hemmed, a Miami Dolphins T-shirt with the number 12 and the name GRIESE on the back, and a black beret. The fish on his line must have been very big because it bent his pole almost double, but he was fighting it awkwardly and really didn’t seem to know what he was doing, and then his line broke and his feet slipped out from under him on the slick concrete and he fell down on one knee. Still he wouldn’t let anybody come near him to try to help him, and when people yelled at him that it had probably just been a shark anyway he yelled back at them, “Beat it! Beat it!”
“Big news, Bobby,” Al said. “We took a vote tonight before you got here. We decided to make you an honorary Jew.”
“It couldn’t happen to a nicer guy,” Bobby said.
“Yeah, I knew you’d be real pleased,” Al said. “Well, you live on South Beach, so you should be one thing or the other, a Cuban or a Jew. Listen, would you rather be a Cuban?”
“No, I think I’ll be a Jew,” Bobby said.
“Beautiful,” Al said. “Just think, from now on you can eat belly lox any time you want to, no questions asked. From now on you can dance the hora any time you want to, no questions asked. From now on you can kvetch about the goddamn goyim any time you want to, no questions asked. Is this a fabulous deal or isn’t it?”
“It’s a fabulous deal,” Bobby said.
“Is that why you look so happy?” Al asked.
“Yeah, that’s why I look so happy.”
“Hey, you’re not having second thoughts, are you? Are you sure you wouldn’t rather be a Cuban? Get to eat medianoches any time you want to, no questions asked? Dance the rumba? Bitch about the goddamn Anglos?”
“No, I’ll be a Jew,” Bobby said.
“Hey, nice to have you aboard,” Al said, sticking out his hand.
Saturday Night Special
by Charles Willeford
Kendall
(Originally published in 1988)
It started out as kind of a joke, and then it wasn’t funny anymore because money became involved. Deep down, nothing about money is funny.
There were four of us at the pooclass="underline" Eddie Miller, Don Luchessi, Hank Norton, and me — Larry Dolman. It was just beginning to get dark, but the air was still hot and muggy and there was hardly any breeze. We were sitting around the circular, aluminum table in our wet trunks. Hank had brought down a plastic pitcher of vodka martinis, a cupful of olives, and a half-dozen Dixie cups. That is one of the few rules at Dade Towers: it’s all right to eat and drink around the pool so long as only plastic or paper cups and plates are used.
Dade Towers is a singles-only apartment house, and it’s only one year old. What I mean by “singles-only” is that only single men and women are allowed to rent here. This is a fairly recent idea in Miami, but it has caught on fast, and a lot of new singles-only apartments are springing up all over Dade County. Dade Towers doesn’t have any two- or three-bedroom apartments at all. If a resident gets married, or even if a man wants to bring a woman in to live with him, out he goes. They won’t let two men share an apartment, either. That’s a fruitless effort to keep gays out. But there are only two or three circumspect gays in the 120-apartment complex, and they don’t bother anyone in the building. The rents are on the high side, and all apartments are rented unfurnished. The rules are relaxed for women, and two women are allowed to share one apartment. That rule is reasonable, because women in Miami don’t earn as much money as men. And by letting two women share a pad, the male/female ratio is evened out. So some of the one-bedrooms have two stewardesses, or two secretaries, living together. Other women, who have more money, like school teachers, young divorcées, and nurses, usually make do with efficiencies. If a man wanted to, he could get all of the women he wanted simply by hanging around the pool.
Under different circumstances, I don’t think Don, Hank, Eddie and I would have become such good friends. But the four of us were all charter members, so to speak, the first four tenants to move into Dade Towers when it opened. And now, after a solid year together, we were tight. We swam in the pool, went to movies together, asked each other for advice on the broads we took out, played poker one or two nights a month, and had a good time, in general, without any major fights or arguments. In other words, we truly lived the good life in Miami.
Eddie Miller is an ex — Air Force pilot. After he got out of the service, he managed to get taken on as a 727 copilot. Flying is just about all Eddie cares about, and eventually he’ll be a captain. In the meantime (he only flies twenty hours a week), Eddie studies at the University of Miami for his state real estate exam. That’s what many of the airline pilots do in their spare time: they sell real estate. And some of them make more money selling real estate than they do as pilots, even though real estate is a cutthroat racket in Dade County.
Hank Norton has an AB in psychology from the University of Michigan. He has a beautiful job in Miami as a detail man, or salesman, for a national pharmaceutical firm. He only works about ten or fifteen hours a week, when he works at all, and he still has the best sales record in the US for his company. As the top detail man in the field the year before, his company gave him a two-week, all-expenses-paid vacation to Acapulco. He is a good-looking guy, with carefully barbered blond hair and dark, Prussian-blue eyes. He is the best cocksman of the four, too. Hank probably gets more strange in a single month than the rest of us get in a year. He has an aura of noisy self-confidence, and white flashing teeth. His disingenuous smile works as well on the doctors he talks with as it does on women. He makes about twenty-five thousand a year, and he has the free use of a Galaxie, which is exchanged for a new model every two years. His Christmas bonus has never been less than two thousand, he claims.
Don Luchessi makes the most money. He is the Florida rep for a British silverware firm, and he could make much more money than he does if the firm in Great Britain could keep up with his orders. They are always two or three months behind in production and shipping, and Don spends a lot of time apologizing about the delays to the various department and jewelry stores he sells to. What with the fantastic increase of the Miami Cuban population, and the prosperity of the Cubans in general, Don’s business has practically doubled in the last four years. Every Cuban who marries off a daughter (as well as her friends and relatives, of course) wants the girl to start off her married life with an expensive silver service. Nevertheless, even though Don makes a lot more money than the rest of us, he is paying child support for his seven-year-old daughter and giving his wife a damned generous monthly allowance besides. As a Catholic he is merely legally separated, not divorced, and although he hates his wife, we all figure that Don will take her back one of these days because he misses his daughter so much. At any rate, because of the money he gives to his wife, by the end of the year he doesn’t average out with much more dough than the rest of us.
Insofar as I am concerned, what I considered to be a bad break at the time turned out to be fortuitous. I had majored in police science at the University of Florida, and I had taken a job as a policeman, all gung-ho to go, in Florence City, Florida, two weeks after I graduated. Florence City isn’t too far from Orlando, and the small city has tripled in population during the last few years because of Disney World. After two years on the force I was eligible to take the sergeant’s exam, which I passed, the first time out, with a 98. They were just starting to build Disney World at the time, and I knew that I was in a growth situation. The force would grow along with Florence City, and because I had a college degree I knew that I would soon be a lieutenant, and then a captain, within a damned short period of patrolman apprenticeship.