She looks at the doctor then, questioningly, wanting to know what he’s thinking about her behind that blank expression he wears.
Wondering if he’s silently judging her for being so weak.
‘I mean it’s only sex, isn’t it? When you really think about it. A physical, primal act. A few moments of selfless pleasure. And he was still coming home to me at the end of the night. Or at least he was at first, at the end of my pregnancy. So, I guess it was just easier to turn a blind eye. I thought we could just pretend everything was normal. And that eventually he’d come back to me.’
Rebecca shrugs again, her cheeks burning with humiliation at her frank admission, how vulnerable and exposed she sounded.
How pathetic she’d allowed herself to become.
Because this was pathetic, wasn’t it? Letting a man treat her this way.
Allowing Jamie to drag her so low.
‘I thought that once Ella was actually here, the affairs would stop. Only Ella came, and Jamie didn’t stop, if anything he got worse. Going off on his “important business trips” and leaving me alone to deal with Ella. The truth is, I was struggling. And Jamie was becoming more and more distant. We barely talk anymore. Not really. And I was scared I was going to lose him completely. That he’d leave us both. I was desperate…’
She wipes away the single lone tear that trickles down her cheek.
‘So, I made it all up. I lied and said that someone was following me. That someone pushed me in the park. That someone broke into our home. It’s pathetic isn’t it? I know. I’m pathetic.’ Rebecca looks down at her hands. She’s shaking. ‘But for a while it worked. He seemed genuinely worried about me. Concerned. But then he started to lose patience. He saw through my stories, he found threads that didn’t add up. He started calling me out. At first, I think he thought I was crazy. That I actually believe my own lies.
‘You think I’m pathetic, don’t you?’ Her loud, involuntary, sobs fill the room.
‘I don’t think you’re pathetic at all, Rebecca,’ the doctor says finally. ‘You’re only human and you’ve clearly been through a lot. A new baby. Your hormones. Jamie’s alleged infidelity.’
He believes her. The doctor actually believes her.
‘But last night, you had a knife. You hurt yourself and you injured your husband?’
Rebecca nodded.
‘That was a genuine accident,’ she explained. ‘I was in the house alone again, and I just convinced myself I’d heard noises. You know, the usual house noises, like creaking floorboards. I guess I just worked myself up. All these stories I’d been telling Jamie about someone watching me, well, the truth is… I must have started to spook myself out. Because I was convinced someone was trying to break into the house. I mean, I really thought I heard something. And I only picked up the knife as protection. I had no intention of actually using it. And there was no one out there. I didn’t see anyone. Not until Jamie came running through the gates. He startled me. And that’s when I lashed out. I wasn’t expecting him home and I was just trying to protect myself. It was dark. And as soon as I realised what I’d done I’d gone too far. So I had to continue the lie. Only Jamie got in the way, and then he called the police. Everything just escalated from there.’
Rebecca shook her head, angry with herself.
‘That’s why there’s nothing on the security tapes. Jamie only had them installed to keep me quiet. I think by that point he’d had enough of all my stories. And I think part of him just wanted to prove a point. To physically show me that there was no one there. That this was all in my head. The irony that they would be used against me to make me look as if I was going insane…’
Rebecca was crying then. Softly.
‘I was only ever thinking of Ella. Of her having a mother and father, together. A proper family. I never had that. I just wanted Jamie to love me. To give a shit about me. To show me that he cared. But it backfired on me. What you said earlier… about the dreams. Of me being in the car and it spinning out of control. You were right. My life is a mess and I don’t know how to make any of it stop. But I’m not crazy. I’m desperate and stupid, and Christ, pathetic. But I’m not crazy.’
The doctor nodded his head in agreement.
‘Opening up and being honest about what’s going on is the first step, Rebecca. I think you should be honest with your husband. You both have issues that need to be discussed.’
The doctor picked up his pad and scribbled some notes there, then placing his hands on his lap, he looked at Rebecca intently.
‘Okay, here’s what I’m going to suggest. I don’t think you need to be admitted, but I would like to treat you as an out-patient, Rebecca. We have an excellent crisis team and a community mental health team that can offer you some support. We can organise some counselling for you and Jamie so you can talk through your issues in a calm, controlled environment. And I also think you’d benefit from some personal therapy too. We can delve into how you’re feeling and perhaps review the antidepressants you’ve been subscribed for the post-natal depression. Because despite your claims that this is all about Jamie cheating, I do think that you’re dealing with severe post-natal depression and you do need some form of proper after-care.’
The room was quiet for a few moments as the doctor turned and made some notes on the computer.
‘So you are going to let me go home?’ Rebecca asked, her words coming out in almost a whisper, as if she was too apprehensive of the answer.
‘Yes. I don’t think it would be in your best interests to be treated as an inpatient.’ He paused. ‘Perhaps there are things that could have been dealt with a lot differently than you did, but you’ve been under an enormous amount of pressure and sometimes that pressure can make us act in very irrational ways, you’ve been trying to survive the only way you know how. But we can help you now. If you let us?’
Rebecca nodded.
‘I’m going to do a review of the medication that you’re currently taking, and I’ll write to your GP and see if we can set up the first session of counselling for you. There’s no reason to keep you here any longer. We can look into getting you discharged shortly.’
‘I’m so sorry for wasting your time. I know I shouldn’t have let it get this far, but it really did just all spiral out of control,’ Rebecca says gratefully, as the doctor presses a button on the desk and Marlene comes back into the room.
Rebecca stands up and shakes the doctor’s hand, before letting Marlene lead her back down the corridor towards her room so that they can start the discharge procedure.
Soon she’ll be home with Ella.
A small part of her is a little shocked at how easy it was to put on such a stellar performance.
The real her is still in there somewhere, buried deep inside her.
And if Jamie Dawson is behind all this, it will be his undoing.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
‘Are you sure you’re okay, Becks? You’ve barely said two words since I picked you up,’ Lisa says, watching Rebecca’s hands tremble as she turns the key in the door.
She’d been silent for the entire journey home. Lisa understood. Rebecca was annoyed Jamie hadn’t answered the phone when the nurses had called him to pick her up. Lisa had had to go instead.