Oh. He looks back at the photo of Devon. Yes. That’s when he made his Life rank in Scouts.
And Eagle comes after Life.
Dad nods and sighs. He wanted very much to make Eagle.
From my seat at the kitchen table I can see the corner of the living room where the chest sits. That’s his Eagle project.
Yes, says Dad. It was.
He can’t make Eagle if the chest isn’t finished.
Dad swallows hard even though he’s not eating anything. He gets up from the table and leaves the other half of his Pop-Tart and his salad stuff too.
I don’t feel hungry anymore so I put my plate in the dishwasher. I have to scrape Dad’s plate before I put it in the dishwasher. Then I sit down and draw like I do all the time. Devon says if I went a whole day without drawing I would probably die. But that will never happen because I can’t go a whole entire day without drawing.
Dad sits back down on the sofa and stares at the pencil stain on the carpet.
CHAPTER 5
PERSONAL SPACE
I HATE RECESS EVEN THOUGH Devon says it’s supposed to be my favorite subject and there is no recess once you get to middle school so enjoy it now. But I can’t enjoy it because I’m surrounded by sharp screaming and it’s too bright and people’s elbows are all pointy and dangerous and it’s hard to breathe and my stomach always feels really really sick. I stand and put my arms around me like a force field and squeeze my eyes almost closed to try to shut everything out. It doesn’t work. I still feel like a Fake Item Box that Mario is going to run over any minute now. I start sucking my shirt cuff that’s sticking out of my jacket sleeve.
I see Josh pushing people off of the monkey bars again. He used to be in my class before he got put in the other fifth-grade room because Mrs. Brook says it’s better that way. I think so too. Josh used to be just loud but now he’s loud and evil. Dad says it’s because Josh’s cousin was one of the school shooters at Devon’s school. The one the police caught right away. And killed. But not before he shot Devon.
Now my heart is pounding loud and I want to moan but Devon says you can’t moan or scream or shake your hands up and down or rock or get under a table or spin around over and over in public. Actually you can’t do most things over and over in public because that’s not normal unless it’s something like clapping or laughing but you have to do it only at the right times and places and Devon always tells me. Now I don’t know anymore.
My eyes feel hot and itchy and everything is blurry so I remember an okay thing I can do which is to blur colors and shapes so they change into fuzzy and warm instead of sharp and cold. I call it stuffed-animaling. If you take the monkey bars and the people and blur them together they get soft and fluffy and kind just like a stuffed animal. And you can forget about where you are and pretend you’re somewhere else like under your bed with your stuffed animals.
I’m stuffed-animaling the playground so well that after a while there’s only monkey bars left and one shape that’s coming toward me so I stop blurring and suck my sleeve more. Blurring is good for the things you don’t want to see but it doesn’t work so well for the stuff you actually have to Deal With.
Josh is walking toward me and he’s smiling even though he runs into William H.’s Personal Space and knocks him down. You shouldn’t walk into someone else’s Personal Space. Especially not William H.’s. William H. is autistic. He’s in the other fifth-grade class. He has Mrs. Brook time too but Mrs. Brook says it’s good for everyone to be in a regular class. But he screams a lot so I’m glad he’s not in my class except for recess and PE. Now he’s screaming LOUD and the lady who helps him tries to get him up but William H. is kicking too much.
Josh has a big grinny smile on his face. You shouldn’t smile when you do something bad because a smile is supposed to mean you’re being nice. I wish people would follow the Facial Expressions Chart like they’re supposed to.
The lady who helps William H. talks to Josh. Her hands are on her hips and her head is moving up and down and she keeps leaning forward and back again. I think this means she’s mad. Sometimes it means The Chicken Dance but I don’t think that’s what she’s doing right now. Finally she walks away and Josh shrugs. This means he doesn’t Get It. I decide to be helpful because that’s something I’m good at so I go over to Josh.
Ew! he yells. You’re like a dog! Slobbering all over your sleeve!
I stop sucking my sleeve even though I don’t know why he says Ew. I like dogs. Dogs sit next to you and put their chin on your lap. Dogs are sweet and kind. I’m happy if people think I’m a dog.
What do you want? Freak! Josh says, and I remember why I’m there.
You shouldn’t get in someone’s Personal Space.
What’s it to you?
I don’t know what that means so I say again, You shouldn’t get in someone’s Personal Space.
He puts his hands on his hips and his nose wrinkles up. What of it?
He must mean, What IS it. Personal Space is this. I step right in front of him — I even step on his toes — to show him where his Personal Space is.
Get off me you freak! he yells.
You need to remember Your Manners, I tell him. You should say, Excuse me please but you’re in My Personal Space.
His head leans forward and his mouth drops open.
I think this means confused so I tell him again. Listen carefully. This is what you say. Excuse me please but —
Get out of here!
I shake my head. No. That’s not the polite way to say it. You say, Excuse me —
Why are you bugging me? he shouts.
I’m not. I’m teaching you how to say Excuse me.
I’m not going to say it!
Okay. You can say, Sorry.
I don’t have to! I didn’t do anything wrong!
I Look At The Person. Yes. You. Did. I say it slowly so maybe he’ll understand.
Josh’s face is red and he’s breathing hard all of a sudden like he has been running even though he hasn’t been. Is this about your brother?
Why is he talking about Devon? This conversation is about William H.
I don’t have to apologize for that! That wasn’t me! Okay? That was my cousin! I didn’t do anything!
Your cousin is dead. Remember? YOU are the one who did something wrong, I say, because I SAW him push William H. out of his Personal Space.
I can’t help it that your brother was shot!
I don’t know why he’s yelling at me.
It’s not my fault!
I hate shouting. I’m starting to shake.
They tried to save him at the hospital! Josh yells.
I’m shaking my head now because I want him to stop.
But he doesn’t. His Heart was hanging out and they couldn’t close his chest up —
Shut up Josh! It’s Emma from my class. There are a bunch of kids behind her.
I’m just —
Stop it! Why are you talking about this?
I suck my sleeve but I can’t help moaning even though I’m not supposed to.