“After I hurt you,” he amended.
“In order to get me out of that awful place.”
“If you remember, why are you so glad to see me now?”
“Because I almost lost you. Because I did lose you for a little while. I’m so sorry—it must have hurt when I didn’t know you.”
He drew in a deep, shuddering breath. “It was like a samurai sword being thrust right through me. And then, like a fool, I felt glad . . . happy that you’d forgotten your fear of me. Only it wasn’t any better. You were still skittish, still afraid of me. Why?”
“Because your name belonged to this demon who supposedly ruled Hell and had some sort of claim over me. Of course I was afraid of you after hearing that; human perceptions of demons are quite different, you know. Dante said that you’d given me the necklace I was wearing around my neck, and it had freaky properties like allowing you to know when someone who intends me ill touches it. It burned the fingers of Mona Sierra, by the way, a Queen who has this, like, long family grudge against Dante. Was it true?”
“Which part?”
“That the necklace gave you some sort of vibe when it burned her fingers?”
“Yes, it told me you were in danger. It’s why I’m here now. How do you feel?”
“Fine—better than fine. I feel normal.”
“No agitation or reaction to my demon presence?”
“Oh, that.” Before, in the past, I had been quite stirred up by close contact with Halcyon.
I had been in the process of becoming Damanôen, demon living. Now, though, there was nothing. No rising bloodlust or red eyes or demon claws.
The relief of that nonreaction was almost as jarring as getting my memory back. Halcyon’s arms came around my waist as I sagged against him. And even with physical contact, there was still nothing.
“Oh my God, Halcyon, I’m totally fine. Even when you touch me.” I laughed, happy, exuberant. “It must be what you did to me to get me out of NetherHell, tearing Mona Louisa out of me, separating us.”
In the damned realm of the cursed dead, Mona Louisa had grown as strong as my own self, our shared body taking on the physical shape and facial features of whoever was dominant at the moment—talk about weird. It had taken multiple personality disorder to a whole different level.
She might have even permanently overpowered my own personality had we stayed longer in that realm. But we hadn’t. Our integrating souls had been physically separated, leaving a gaping wound that had been slowly killing us both. She had almost faded completely from existence when I had absorbed her back into me.
“She was greatly weakened when we merged back together again,” I said, speaking my thoughts aloud. “Maybe that’s why I’m so calm and nonreactive to your presence now. The question is whether this calmness will last or whether she’ll grow strong again.” And turn me back into a living demon schizoid, who might attack anyone close to me.
“You seem to be fully integrated now,” Halcyon observed. “You said you were able to shift into her vulture form.”
“That’s right, I did.” A bright, optimistic thought—especially what it implied. That I might be stable, at status quo now, and wouldn’t start changing and evolving back again into that frightening living demon thing I had been becoming before.
The sound of people, the feel of them, told us that we were no longer alone. Turning, I saw a crowd of faces gathered at the doorway.
“You remember us now, milady?” Rosemary asked.
“Oh,” I gasped as I not just saw them but recognized them. Knew them. “I can’t believe I forgot you guys.”
It was Happy Reunion, Take 2. This time without any awkwardness or freaky meltdown to spoil things. I hugged Tersa, rumpled Jamie’s carrottop head, squeezed Rosemary’s ample waist, and exclaimed to a grinning Thaddeus, “My God, you’re as tall as I am now. When did you suddenly shoot up?”
“He’s been growing like a weed the last several months,” Chami said, grinning. “You just didn’t notice, seeing him every day.”
“Where’s Tomas?” I asked, naming one of my other guards.
“He’s over in Amber’s territory, helping run things while Amber was here,” Aquila informed me.
“Amber didn’t leave . . . he didn’t go back yet, did he?”
“No, I am still here,” Amber said, his voice coming from behind the others. Dontaine was beside him, I saw as the rest of them made room, allowing them to come to me.
They were still both striking men but no longer intimidating, no longer overwhelming. I saw them now through eyes filtered by love and shared experience. Amber, rugged giant that he was—indeed, one of the most physically imposing men I’d ever come upon—had been frighteningly vulnerable when I first met him, literally crawling in the dirt before his former Queen, begging for mercy she had not shown him. And Dontaine—beautiful, stunning Dontaine. I still remembered him with his throat torn, bloody and helpless while I washed the gore from his body and cared for him. They had earned my love, and even more important, I had earned theirs.
“Oh, Amber.” I flew into his big arms and careful embrace.
“How did you remember? When?” Amber asked in a deep rumble.
“After I woke up. I wandered into your room and Dontaine’s upstairs and had one of those flashbacks. I remembered Gryphon—he was the key. Everything came flooding back once I remembered Gryphon and how it all started.”
The loss of my first love was a gentle sorrow I shared in my glance with Amber, who had known him best of all those here. But it was a gentle loss because Gryphon was not truly gone, just existing in a different realm now as demon dead.
I released my big giant and turned to my other lover. “Dontaine.” I didn’t make him come to me as I had done so often in the past. I walked to him, to where he stood in cautious wait.
I went to him, held him, exhaling softly against his chest. “Oh, Dontaine, I’m so sorry . . . so sorry I forgot you. You pack one heck of a second first impression.”
The stiff wariness I had taught him melted away and his arms came around to embrace me also. “As long as you’re not rejecting me,” Dontaine said against the top of my head.
“No,” I murmured.
He pressed a kiss to my crown and I pulled back to smile up at him, but I wasn’t done yet. There was one last important man in my life. One last lover I had yet to look upon with eyes filled with memories, to ask questions of.
I ended up driving. Such a simple, normal thing to do—drive a car. And for only a short distance. The Morells lived in a small house just down the road, within the vast property of the estate. Close enough, and more important, safe enough for the others to let me travel to by myself. After this latest scare, I had a feeling they were going to keep a really close eye on me, and I was going to happily let them. I had almost lost everything, not through another’s fault or treachery, but through betrayal of my own mind.
Dante came out of the house as I pulled into the driveway. The rest of the family was still inside, giving us token privacy. He had that grim look on his face once again. “I apologize for using compulsion on you—” he began.
“I remember,” I said, cutting across his words.
His body didn’t stiffen, but his focus sharpened on me, stiletto sharp. Then he blew out a breath, releasing the tension, his eyes growing unreadable. “Come walk with me,” he suggested quietly. He didn’t hold out his hand, nor did I take his. We walked, as he had requested.
Soft moonlight trickled down through the trees as we went deeper into the forest until we came to a wide clearing. Here was where we gathered every month, each full moon, to Bask. Here, also, was where my men came to train and practice each evening, just before dawn—the place where Dante had first revealed the twisted past between him and me, our cursed enmity, and stood there waiting to be killed.
“What do you remember?” Dante asked, as we stood with the thrum of old power faint and soft in the soil beneath our feet.