“He died saving me.” It wasn’t a question.
Mouse took a moment, searched for the words, and then just said, “It wasn’t your fault. And if not for you, more would have died.”
“That doesn’t bring Elan back.”
“Neither does feeling guilty.” She just looked at him, saw pain there, but also grim acceptance. “He knew what we were up against, Cass. He wanted to come help. He volunteered to come help. I guarantee you, if he’d known for sure how it was going to turn out, he still would’ve come.”
“You sound awfully sure for someone who didn’t know him.”
“I knew him. He was a warrior, same as me. And if you gave me the choice between staying behind while others went to war, or laying down my life to see my brothers and sisters safely home, it wouldn’t even be a choice.”
Cass looked up at the ceiling. It was a bond she’d witnessed before, but had never known herself, not outside of her children. “How’s Lil?”
“Glad so many made it home.”
They fell into silence after that. Cass still had many questions, but they seemed to slip through her mind before she could fully grasp them. And while she chased them, a deep and dreamless sleep overtook her.
TWENTY-ONE
When Cass awoke, she knew it was morning from the light streaming in from the high narrow window above her head. She was still on her back, but her mind was sharper, her vision clear. She recognized the room now. The same one she’d been in during their previous stay at the refuge. Wall on her right. And to her left, on the bed across the small room, Wren sat next to Lil. They reacted to her movement; Lil smiled at her, and Wren slid off the bed and timidly approached.
“Hi, Mama,” he said.
“Hey, baby.”
“How are you feeling?” Wren asked.
“Still trying to figure that out. But better, I think.”
“Do you think I could give you a hug?”
“Absolutely.”
Cass held out her arms to him and he came and sat on the edge of her bed. Wren leaned down, gently tested his weight against her. Cass pulled him in tight. He responded by sliding one of his slender arms under her neck and squeezing fiercely, and pressing his face into hers.
“How are you?” she asked. “Are you hurt at all?”
She felt him shake his head against hers.
“I was scared for you,” Wren said. “Mouse said you would be OK, but it didn’t look like it.”
“Mouse was right. I am OK. You don’t need to worry.”
He turned his face into the hollow where her neck met her shoulder, and whispered, “I hate it when you’re hurt, Mama.”
“Well, I’m OK now. How long have we been here?” Cass asked.
Wren finally released her neck and sat back up on the bed. “Just the night. We got back a little before the sun went down. You’ve been sleeping.”
Cass decided to test her strength. She pushed herself up, slowly, to a sitting position. She still felt weak and a little dizzy, but she managed. There were bandages wound around her torso and her right biceps, and covering her left shoulder. She worked her left arm, felt a hollow pang deep, so deep it almost felt like it came from within her shoulder blade. With her fingertips, she gently probed the side of her head, from her hairline backwards. There was a goose egg just above and slightly behind her ear. The skin didn’t seem to be broken. Small comfort.
She drew her legs up tentatively. A burn stretched through her right thigh and made her breath catch. After a moment, she exhaled slowly and patted Wren on the side. He scooted towards the foot of the bed, giving her room to swivel and swing her legs over the edge. She gingerly moved back so she could lean against the wall, and then straightened her legs out again.
The pain was hard to define. It hurt certainly, but the raw edge was missing. Cass wasn’t sure if that was due to the injection Mouse had given her, or if it was a new way her body processed injury. The bandage around her thigh was discolored, like a bruise beneath the cloth, where the wound had oozed, but not enough to soak through.
Once she settled into position, she held up her arm and motioned for Wren. He slid in next to her and cuddled up.
Lil sat across from Cass, watching them together. The smile was gone, but she had a pleasant expression on her face. There was a heaviness in her eyes, though.
“Mouse told me about Elan,” Cass said. “I can’t even begin to express how sorry I am…”
Lil’s gaze dropped for a moment at the mention of his name. But then she gave a nod and looked back up at Cass. “We will all miss him very dearly.” And something in her voice said more, and Cass knew then that there had been more between them than she had previously guessed. More than friendship. Lovers. Perhaps only in secret, or maybe only in their hearts, separated by some other circumstance.
“His son… did I make him an orphan?” Cass asked.
Lil shook her head. “Ephraim’s mother is here with us.”
“How is she?”
“It’s a difficult time for her. Their relationship had been strained for quite a while, and I’m afraid they didn’t part on the best of terms.”
“And how are you?”
Lil hesitated. But she seemed to soften slightly, and after a moment, an unspoken understanding passed between them. “It’s a difficult time for us all.”
The emotions swelled within Cass, the sorrow, the anger, but most of all the guilt. “Lil, if I could go back–”
Lil raised a hand and shook her head. “Don’t, Cass. We know our enemy; our enemy took his life, not you. The seven of us made our own decisions, and we did so fully expecting that some wouldn’t return. That six of us did, with all of you as well… it’s a triumph beyond what anyone would have imagined. If you must feel sorry, pity Mouse. I think he has taken it the hardest of all.”
She dropped her gaze again, but a little smile crept across her lips. “He is something of a mystery. A valiant warrior, yet even more fierce a healer. ‘A poet in a barbarian’s body’,” Cass said, recalling Swoop’s earlier joke. Half joke.
“He fought relentlessly to save Elan. When it was clear we wouldn’t be able to resuscitate him, we had to physically restrain Mouse.”
“That couldn’t have been easy.”
Lil chuckled. “It was not.”
“But you were able to bring…” Cass almost said the body, but stopped herself, “…him home?”
Lil nodded. They sat in silence for a time. Cass ran her fingers through Wren’s hair, kissed the top of his head.
“Can you tell me what happened?” Cass said at last. “It’s all confused in my mind.”
Lil drew a breath and remained quiet a few moments.
“I’m sorry, you don’t have to,” Cass said, but Lil shook her head.
“When we arrived, we spread out just north of the enclave and remained hidden. I came closer than the others, to scout. I confess, I thought you had exaggerated how many Weir were there. If anything, you may have underestimated their numbers.
“After the explosion, the dust and smoke were thick, and I couldn’t see much at first. But we closed ranks as planned, hoping to provide a front against the Weir, for you to retreat behind.”
She paused, her eyes momentarily distant, unfocused. Cass waited patiently.
“You killed a lot of them, Mama,” Wren said. “A lot.”
Cass glanced down at Wren and then back up to Lil for confirmation. She nodded.
“I’ve never seen anyone move like that before,” Lil said. “Even now, I can hardly believe that what I remember is true. The explosion had thrown many to the ground, but it killed only a handful. Fifteen, maybe. We estimate you alone killed over forty.”