The horse entered the square by the Hub road, steam curling off its huge damp white flanks and sparks striking up from the cobbles beneath it. It trotted proudly, like a war charger. It was definitely not wearing a straw hat.
The tall figure on its back was wrapped up against the cold. When the horse reached the centre of the square the rider dismounted, slowly, and fumbled with something behind the saddle. Eventually he—or she—produced a nosebag, fastened it over the horse’s ears, and gave it a friendly pat on the neck.
The air took on a thick, greasy feel, and the deep shadows around Mort became edged with blue and purple rainbows. The rider strode towards him, black cloak billowing and feet making little clicking sounds on the cobbles. They were the only noises—silence clamped down on the square like great drifts of cotton wool.
The impressive effect was rather spoilt by a patch of ice.
OH, BUGGER.
It wasn’t exactly a voice. The words were there all right, but they arrived in Mort’s head without bothering to pass through his ears.
He rushed forward to help the fallen figure, and found himself grabbing hold of a hand that was nothing more than polished bone, smooth and rather yellowed like an old billiard ball. The figure’s hood fell back, and a naked skull turned its empty eyesockets towards him.
Not quite empty, though. Deep within them, as though they were windows looking across the gulfs of space, were two tiny blue stars.
It occurred to Mort that he ought to feel horrified, so he was slightly shocked to find that he wasn’t. It was a skeleton sitting in front of him, rubbing its knees and grumbling, but it was a live one, curiously impressive but not, for some strange reason, very frightening.
THANK YOU, BOY, said the skull. WHAT IS YOUR NAME?
“Uh,” said Mort, “Mortimer… sir. They call me Mort.”
WHAT A COINCIDENCE,{1} said the skull. HELP ME UP, PLEASE.
The figure rose unsteadily, brushing itself down. Now Mort could see there was a heavy belt around its waist, from which was slung a white-handled sword.
“I hope you are not hurt, sir,” he said politely.
The skull grinned. Of course, Mort thought, it hasn’t much of a choice.
NO HARM DONE, I AM SURE. The skull looked around and seemed to see Lezek, who appeared to be frozen to the spot, for the first time. Mort thought an explanation was called for.
“My father,” he said, trying to move protectively in front of Exhibit A without causing any offence. “Excuse me, sir, but are you Death?”
CORRECT. FULL MARKS FOR OBSERVATION, THAT BOY.
Mort swallowed.
“My father is a good man,” he said. He thought for a while, and added, “Quite good. I’d rather you left him alone, if it’s all the same to you. I don’t know what you have done to him, but I’d like you to stop it. No offence meant.”
Death stepped back, his skull on one side.
I HAVE MERELY PUT US OUTSIDE TIME FOR A MOMENT, he said. HE WILL SEE AND HEAR NOTHING THAT DISTURBS HIM. NO, BOY, IT WAS YOU I CAME FOR.
“Me?”
YOU ARE HERE SEEKING EMPLOYMENT?
Light dawned on Mort. “You are looking for an apprentice?” he said.
The eyesockets turned towards him, their actinic pinpoints flaring.
OF COURSE.
Death waved a bony hand. There was a wash of purple light, a sort of visible ‘pop’, and Lezek unfroze. Above his head the clockwork automatons got on with the job of proclaiming midnight, as Time was allowed to come creeping back.
Lezek blinked.
“Didn’t see you there for a minute,” he said. “Sorry—mind must have been elsewhere.”
I WAS OFFERING YOUR BOY A POSITION, said Death. I TRUST THAT MEETS WITH YOUR APPROVAL?
“What was your job again?” said Lezek, talking to a black-robed skeleton without showing even a flicker of surprise.
I USHER SOULS INTO THE NEXT WORLD, said Death.
“Ah,” said Lezek, “of course, sorry, should have guessed from the clothes. Very necessary work, very steady. Established business?”
I HAVE BEEN GOING FOR SOME TIME, YES, said Death.
“Good. Good. Never really thought of it as a job for Mort, you know, but it’s good work, good work, always very reliable. What’s your name?”
DEATH.
“Dad—” said Mort urgently.
“Can’t say I recognise the firm,” said Lezek. “Where are you based exactly?”
FROM THE UTTERMOST DEPTHS OF THE SEA TO THE HEIGHTS WHERE EVEN THE EAGLE MAY NOT GO, said Death.
“That’s fair enough,” nodded Lezek. “Well, I—”
“Dad—” said Mort, pulling at his father’s coat.
Death laid a hand on Mort’s shoulder.
WHAT YOUR FATHER SEES AND HEARS IS NOT WHAT YOU SEE AND HEAR, he said. DO NOT WORRY HIM. DO YOU THINK HE WOULD WANT TO SEE ME—IN THE FLESH, AS IT WERE?
“But you’re Death,” said Mort. “You go around killing people!”
I? KILL? said Death, obviously offended. CERTAINLY NOT. PEOPLE GET KILLED, BUT THAT’S THEIR BUSINESS. I JUST TAKE OVER FROM THEN ON. AFTER ALL, IT’D BE A BLOODY STUPID WORLD IF PEOPLE GOT KILLED WITHOUT DYING, WOULDN’T IT?
“Well, yes—” said Mort, doubtfully.
Mort had never heard the word ‘intrigued’. It was not in regular use in the family vocabulary. But a spark in his soul told him that here was something weird and fascinating and not entirely horrible, and that if he let this moment go he’d spend the rest of his life regretting it. And he remembered the humiliations of the day, and the long walk back home…
“Er,” he began, “I don’t have to die to get the job, do I?”
BEING DEAD IS NOT COMPULSORY.
“And… the bones…?”
NOT IF YOU DON’T WANT TO.
Mort breathed out again. It had been starting to prey on his mind.
“If father says it’s all right,” he said.
They looked at Lezek, who was scratching his beard.
“How do you feel about this, Mort?” he said, with the brittle brightness of a fever victim. “It’s not everyone’s idea of an occupation. It’s not what I had in mind, I admit. But they do say that undertaking is an honoured profession. It’s your choice.”
“Undertaking?” said Mort. Death nodded, and raised his finger to his lips in a conspiratorial gesture.
“It’s interesting,” said Mort slowly. “I think I’d like to try it.”
“Where did you say your business was?” said Lezek. “Is it far?”
NO FURTHER THAN THE THICKNESS OF A SHADOW, said Death. WHERE THE FIRST PRIMAL CELL WAS, THERE WAS I ALSO. WHERE MAN IS, THERE AM I. WHEN THE LAST LIFE CRAWLS UNDER FREEZING STARS, THERE WILL I BE.
“Ah,” said Lezek, “you get about a bit, then.” He looked puzzled, like a man struggling to remember something important, and then obviously gave up.
Death patted him on the shoulder in a friendly fashion and turned to Mort.
HAVE YOU ANY POSSESSIONS, BOY?
“Yes,” said Mort, and then remembered. “Only I think I left them in the shop. Dad, we left the sack in the clothes shop!”
“It’ll be shut,” said Lezek. “Shops don’t open on Hogswatch Day. You’ll have to go back the day after tomorrow—well, tomorrow now.”
IT IS OF LITTLE ACCOUNT, said Death. WE WILL LEAVE NOW. NO DOUBT I WILL HAVE BUSINESS HERE SOON ENOUGH.
“I hope you’ll be able to drop in and see us soon,” said Lezek. He seemed to be struggling with his thoughts.