She said all this to me in the back of the taxi that was taking us home. She was sort of panting, then she was out-andout sobbing, and to hell with the static, I held her and smoothed her hair and pushed the dimple in her cheek until she was able to smile. “You’re very kind,” she said. “I’m sorry. It’s just taken such a lot for me to get here.” I saw what she meant. All I could do to help was treat her as if she was ordinary.
Still — I had to know. I mean, it was a hell of a thing. “How did you get — here, Mary?”
“We were fooling around with stories. We put ourselves in them,” she said flatly, as if she didn’t even believe herself. Too much awe. Like someone explaining a house fire that burnt down their whole block: “We were playing around with matches and gasoline.”
“What — where are these stories? Can I read them?”
She leaned forward and told the taxi driver to drop us off by the dock at Cloud Cove.
I told her that the last boat must have gone an hour ago. I told her to come back with me. I told her that St. John would have to know what was going on sometime. That she was real now, that she ate steak and talked to the neighbors and was probably going to have everyone in town, men, women, children, trying to get next to her before the week was out.
“I’ll swim over,” she said. “I like having a secret from him. I’ll be all right, honestly. Come and see me tomorrow, and you’ll see I’m perfectly cosy out there.”
I looked back as the taxi drove away from the dock — she fiddled with her hair, seemed to be tying the lighthouse keys into a tight knot in her hair. That would be hard work to comb out in the morning. She peeled off my shirtwaist, my favourite lilac shirtwaist, discarded it, and dived into the water. The taxi driver saw her, too. He raised his eyebrows but not too high. He was a taxi driver. He’d seen a lot of things. “Well, it is summer. And she’s from out of town.” That’s all he said.
St. John came out of his study as soon as I opened the front door. Very quietly, he told me that Greta had phoned for me.
“Oh — what did she say?” I asked. Then I remembered that I was supposed to have been at dinner with her. And I shivered, a chill in my back that made me feel as if I was falling even though I stood quite still. He shivered, too. Much more noticeably, as if tugged by strings.
“She said she’d call back tomorrow.”
“Okay.” I switched a lamp on. It was frightening to be with him in the dark, seeing him shiver like that and listening to him speak so impassively. When I saw his expression I wanted to switch the lamp back off again. Anger. It was etched all over his face, the lines drawing up into a snarl.
“Why did you lie?”
I looked at him and didn’t say anything. He took a step backwards, and I don’t know how I didn’t scream — he seemed to be readying himself to spring at me.
“Are you going to tell me who you were with?”
I don’t think I could have managed a single word, even if I’d wanted to. I knew it looked bad. And it was going to look even worse if I told him whom I’d really been with. It would look like mockery, throwing something he’d told me back in his face.
“I think I’m going to knock you down,” he said. “If you just keep standing there like that I’m really just going to knock you down. Go — upstairs, to hell, get a room somewhere with your damn Pizarsky, just get out of here.”
That stunned me; I don’t know why I laugh when I’m hurt. “Oh, Pizarsky! Oh, you’d like that, wouldn’t you? Then you could put another plus in Mary’s column—‘Doesn’t run around with John Pizarsky.’”
I turned towards the front door — but where, as a rational adult, did I mean to go? Did I mean to swim over to the island, as Mary had? Burst in on Greta and J.P., or the Wainwrights? I slid past him and went up to the spare room. I dragged a chest of drawers over to the door; it was just the right height for me to lodge a corner of it under the door handle, which turned ten minutes later, to no avail. Then he must have rammed a shoulder against the door — it shuddered, and my heart hammered in my ears. He did that just once, without saying a word. Then he went away.
I sat up late, late, looking out over our garden. There was lightning, and rain battered the ground, and I thought of Mary Foxe, miles away, watching the storm through the lighthouse window. I thought of the things she knew about St. John. I saw a shiny shilling and a dark-haired young man with eyes like stains on glass. Alone in a big city, walking into walls. Everyone hurts themselves in the city; then they just pick themselves up so as not to get in anyone else’s way. And then he went home, to company devised for him alone; he went home to a girl who wasn’t there. I envied Mary for being what she was, for being so close to him; I was so jealous it burned, and I knew I had to let it alone or I’d break something inside me.
The night changed me. I built a scene in my head, better than that line I’d come up with about modesty and rouge. I pictured a woman alone at her dressing table, getting ready to go onstage. She’s exotic-looking — maybe dark-skinned, maybe an Indian — she’s had hecklers before, guys saying really filthy things, and now she’s really going at it with the makeup, just plastering it on, drama around the eyes, making herself look like a woman from another world so the audience will just sit there with their mouths open and let her sing her song and get out of there in peace. And while she’s getting ready this woman is talking to someone sat behind a screen — I’m not sure who that someone is yet. Anyway, the woman at the dressing table — her heart’s breaking. It breaks three times a week on account of people treating her so badly, and she knows that all you can do is laugh it off. She’s saying, “Let me tell you something, kid. Love is like a magic carpet with a mind of its own. You step on that carpet and it takes you places — marvelous places, odd places, terrifying places, places you’d never have been able to reach on foot. Yeah, love’s a real adventure! But you go where the carpet goes; after you’ve stepped onto it you don’t get to choose a goddamned thing. Well. . there’d better be a market for magic carpets. ’Cause from tonight, mine’s for sale.”
And that’s how I plan to begin Hedda Gabler and Other Monsters. I think I’ll cut the part about the magic carpet being for sale, though. It might come off as tacky.
I moved the dresser away from the door at about four in the morning. I had to go to the bathroom. Then I went into our bedroom, mine and St. John’s. He wasn’t there. I went downstairs and found him in his study, asleep at his desk, drooling a little on some newly written pages so that the ink ran. I pulled the pages out from under his arms and put them aside without looking at them. He woke up, but he didn’t open his eyes. “I can explain about dinner,” I said. “In the morning. Just come out to Cloud Island with me, and I’ll show you.” He made no answer, and I pinched him. He opened his eyes, then, and gave me a sulky look.
“How’s the book going?”
He winced.
“Will you read me some? Please?”
“It’s not ready.”
“Just a little.”
He read a couple of pages aloud, very quickly. Then he saw that I wanted to hear more and he slowed down. He writes beautifully but without hope. Odd that he could be responsible for a little dancing cinder like Mary. He reached a particularly stressful part of a chapter and I came to crisis and said, “Oh, Lord,” before I could check myself. He looked up from the page. “Bad things are going to happen, D.”