Roman rubbed his hand down her back while he explained his afternoon. “I tracked her down, which was part of the reason I didn’t get your call. It took quite a bit to hunt her down, but turns out she was hired to be there and deliver the message. White guy wearing a black ball cap, black t-shirt, and jeans who paid in cash, and she went through the script. She didn’t have the pictures, so someone else leaked them.”
Alexandra sat up, missing the warmth of his arms, but needing to have this conversation sitting up. “What is going on? There’s been a lot of odd things happening with this and my cases for the last couple of months, and it’s pissing me off.” She considered Franklin, who matched the description, but quickly dismissed him. Their dealings were over, and she’d won his case, so he had no reason to discredit her. And there was no way Corey was upset with her after she won his case the week before.
Anger flashed in his pale eyes. “What’s been going on with your cases?”
“You know I can’t tell you, but I brought work home with me. I may as well use the rest of this week to follow some leads I’ve been meaning to catch up on.”
“And why do you suddenly have free time during the week to pursue leads?” His voice was calm, which meant he was getting irritated. Roman tended to be most calm before he blew up.
“Because Henry relieved me of all my duties today. Except for your case. And told me they don’t know what will happen with my employment.”
The muscle in his jaw ticked. Roman stood, pacing in front of her several times before stopping in front of her. “You’re telling me you may lose your job because of this?”
“Pretty much. He told me he has to meet with the other partners, but it’s done.” Roman walked to the window, saying silent. She sought to reassure him when it lasted long enough to become unnerving. “Roman, its fine. I knew this was a possibility if it got out, considering how hardcore my boss is, which is why I was going to wait until I made partner before I went public with our relationship. This happened a little sooner than I hoped, but I’m not running. This is me standing up for what I want.”
He continued to stare out the window, his mouth turned down, so she went to him, the invisible string she always felt kept her tied to him pulling her closer. Her need to be near him outweighed any signals he was giving off. “You wouldn’t have to stand up for it if it wasn’t for me.” Hard eyes stared at her while his arms remained crossed over his chest. “I’m the reason you’re in this position.” He chuckled humorously. “You know, I thought you were overreacting.”
She shook her head; Roman was always so engaging, but he was as unapproachable as the stone statute that adorned her yard. He continued, “I did. You tried to tell me, warn me what could happen to you, but I kept going, without any regard for you or your feelings.”
“That’s not true.” She put her hands on his arms, hoping to move them so he’d hold her but he was still. “I’m where I wanted to be. I’ve told you that plenty of times. This is a setback, but it’s not the end. I can get a job somewhere else.”
He stepped back, shaking his head. “Not as a partner at the firm you wanted.”’
Alexandra threw her arms out in frustration. “You think I care? I don’t. If they can’t respect me and what I do on my personal time, I don’t want to work there. I’ll be fine. Besides, after the shit I’ve been hearing about my father, I’m wondering if I should even try and carry on with his legacy.”
“Don’t you get it? I don’t want you to be fine. I want you to be amazing, fantastic, and happy. You can’t have that and me in your life at the same time.” He grabbed her, but the kiss on her head felt like goodbye. “You told me and I ignored you. No more. I’m sorry.”
“Are you serious? Why does this sound like goodbye? What about all the promises you made me the other day? That you were going to love me forever, we were in this together, and we were going to build a future together?”
He grabbed her head, his kiss brutal, before he held her to him. His breath was ragged when he finally spoke. “I love you. Don’t you get it? This is killing me, but I can’t stay here if my presence is hurting you.” His lips lay on her forehead once more before he released her. The whimper came out before she could stop it. He paused at the sound, and she hoped he would realize he did nothing wrong, but he shook his head and headed for the door.
“You’re hurting me now,” she pleaded, walking toward him. That tended to happen when your body was numb, as though every emotion was suspended on a precipice, just waiting for the person who made it that way to either pull you back to safety or push you over and let your plummeting emotions take over. “I love you, and that means something to me. I didn’t tell you, scared of the feelings exploding out of me because a million scenarios ran through my head about how it couldn’t work. But when I walked in the office earlier knowing you had my back I wasn’t worried. My work no longer mattered, since we would be together, and now you’re leaving me?”
His eyes glistened while he watched her, but he swallowed them back to answer her. She lay her head on his chest when he pulled her close. “You are my forever, and I will always love you. But sometimes love isn’t enough, especially when it comes at the expense of someone else’s happiness. You’re okay with it now, but what about next week when you realize what you lost trying to assist me? I can’t let you do that. It’s better this way.” He kissed the top of her head, squeezing her harder when she started crying, before letting her go. The door slammed before she could even react.
And he was gone.
So I guess that’s it. I didn’t get pulled back to safety. She couldn’t force him to stay and was powerless to keep him from leaving her. She’d been foolish, living in a cocoon of idealism, their stolen moments enough to make her believe they were invincible. “Love conquers all” was a slogan people told children too naïve to know the truth. Love is elusive, and when you find it you better hold on tight and hope they love you back because when they don’t, it hurts like a son of a bitch.
He had been a soothing balm, and even the anniversary of her father’s death didn’t seem as heartbreaking because she had someone to shoulder the load. Alexandra locked up, turning off lights as she went, lying on her bed fully clothed. She couldn’t find the strength to get up, the numbness she’d felt earlier wearing off. All she felt was pain. Everywhere. And there was nothing she could do to stop it. She stared at the ceiling while time slowly crept by, wiping the lone tear that ran down her cheek, until she fell into an exhausted sleep as the dawn broke across the sky.
20
Roman drove around aimlessly for an hour after he left Alexandra’s before settling into the park he’d taken her to months before. He felt lost without her, but he wasn’t good enough for her. He’d gotten her into this mess by continuing to pursue her, and refused to watch her career blow up in her face because of him. She’d warned him but he’d disregarded her ramblings, believing she was being dramatic. It would kill him—and, in turn, kill her—to leave her, but it may be better in the long run.
Any love she felt for him would shrivel and die if he cost her the dream of becoming partner. Not a fast, painful breakup that ended things but left the others hurting temporarily, but a slow one. The kind where whatever feelings a person had for the other eroded over time until the only emotions remaining were anger and resentment with no chance to recoup what they once had.
Roman wasn’t sticking around, not when he was going to be the cost. Even if she was willing to give it a go, which she seemed to be, her choice was impossible. Alexandra could be with him or fulfill her father’s legacy. And she would choose him for no other reason than she believed he was the forever kind. It was, at least on his part; he’d always love her, but sometimes people who loved each other couldn’t be together.