“I have. Many times.”
He laughed at that, but didn’t say anymore until we got to his place. There would be very little he could say that would comfort me anyway. I was beginning to realize that I may have underestimated the cost of being with him.
When we went into the house, Jack called for Ezra and Mae, and they both appeared in the living room almost instantly. Mae swooped in to hug me like she hadn’t seen me in ages when reality it had been less than an hour. Ezra smiled warmly at me, and somehow, it still made me blush. He had returned today early from the trip, citing that he couldn’t stand to be away from Mae for that long, but Peter wouldn’t return for a few more days. He could apparently stand to be away from me until the end of time.
“So I heard that you’re going to be staying with us for awhile,” Ezra commented, and I tried to decipher if there was any disapproval in it.
He sat on the couch and Mae curled up next to him. They had only been apart for a matter of days, but being around him made her giddy. I wondered if Peter would react anything like that when he returned, but I’d probably be lucky if he even looked in my direction. Something tugged painfully at my heart, and it amazed me that I still even wanted into this.
“Yeah.” I sat on the chair across from them, and Jack sat by my feet, rubbing Matilda’s belly. “Is that okay?”
“I don’t see why it wouldn’t be.” Ezra played with a long, wavy strand of Mae’s hair absently, and she buried her head in his chest. I realized that I hated people who were so comfortably in love, especially when my “love” life was bogged down by all sorts of unnecessary stipulations.
“What’s going to happen?” I asked bluntly. There was no point in beating around the bush anymore. I was living in a house of vampires and certain things were starting to be intimated to me. I no longer wanted so speculate about my future.
“You’ll have to be more specific. There’s a lot of things up in the air for you.” He didn’t mean anything by it and was merely pointing out facts, but it stung just the same. Nothing for me was set in stone, which should’ve been a relief, but I didn’t like having everything feel so uncertain and precarious.
“Exactly.” I took a deep breath and started in. “Am I just gonna live here forever? What happens when Peter gets back? He doesn’t want me around. How is that gonna work with me living here? Should I even live here with him? What if he keeps rejecting me? Am I supposed to just go back to my life? Are you planning on me someday being a vampire?”
“You can stay here as long as you want, regardless of how Peter feels. He has other places he can go if need be. You have made yourself an indispensable part of this family.” Ezra looked down at Mae, carefully choosing his words.
“Peter… No matter how any of us feels, there is a bond between you and Peter that is not easily broken. He might not be ready to accept it now, but he certainly doesn’t want you banished or any harm to come to you. For his sake, as well as our own, it is essential that you remain a part of our lives.” His russet eyes rested warmly on mine. “As such, yes, it would be in everyone’s best interest if you were to turn.”
Looking down at the floor, I exhaled deeply and tried futilely to slow the frantic beating of my heart. I knew they all could hear it, and Jack especially was susceptible to it. The thought of being a vampire, which had crossed my mind much more frequently than I had ever imagined it would, both excited and terrified me, but that was par for the course. Nearly everything about them was simultaneously exciting and terrifying, and I could never seem to reconcile the two.
“Alice, it’s really awesome,” Jack chimed in helpfully. “You’ve seen me.
I’m awesome.”
“Jack,” Mae scolded him.
“It’s not a decision you can take lightly,” Ezra went on, and Mae had gotten a particularly solemn expression. I didn’t fully understand it, especially based on how much she loved having me around and the fact that she made a room just for me before I even lived here. “This is something that changes everything about your life, and it’s irreversible. If you decide that this is what you want to do, you cannot go back. But if you decide not to turn, we won’t hold it against you.”
“It will make your life harder, though,” Jack interjected.
“Jack!” Mae snapped. “You can’t make this choice for her!”
“I’m not trying to!” Jack sighed dramatically and shook his head.
“Well, what are some of the things that I can expect? You know, if I do turn.” My voice was timid and shaky, and even my hands were trembling, so I linked them tightly together to keep it from being more visible.
“The thirst at first is a bit overwhelming, as Jack can probably still attest to,” Ezra gestured to Jack, who nodded heavily in agreement. “All your senses become much more heightened, and all your movements feel exaggerated.
Walking across the room, for example, takes half the effort it used to, so you’ll find yourself stumbling and misstepping until you get the bearings of how your body works. Your emotions are stronger, too. They’re all right at the surface, and you’re generally very volatile. You’re libido increases, and your general lust for everything. Anything that feels good you want constantly. Pain is also extreme, but its much more fleeting than it ever was in human form.”
“It’s almost like being a child again,” Jack elaborated. “Everything feels so new, and you’re clumsy. Anything can make you laugh or cry, and even though your brain is so much faster and you can understand things so much easier, everything is strangely confusing at first.”
“Your body has to acclimate to a whole new way of being. It’s not a simple process,” Ezra continued. “The hardest thing to deal with at first is the bloodlust. The hunger you feel now can’t even compare to what you’ll feel then.
We only need to eat about once a week, but in the beginning, you’ll think you need to eat every hour. It’s a hard thing to learn to control, but it is very manageable once you do.”
“So, you guys are always hungry?” I asked nervously.
“In a way,” Ezra admitted. “But it’s not that intense. If it was, you wouldn’t have survived this long.”
“Thanks,” I muttered and wondered how I could feel so safe in the house with them.
“It’s not meant to be a threat,” Ezra laughed warmly. “It’s just the way things are. For the most part, being a vampire is a wonderful, amazing gift with very little in the way of misery. But there are two things that are double-edged swords.
“The first is the blood,” Ezra went on. “Its life giving, and there aren’t words to explain how it makes you feel. The greatest drug or sex or anything doesn’t even compare to drinking blood. But when you can’t feed for any prolonged length of time, say several weeks, it is the most excruciatingly painful thing imaginable. You would kill anyone or do anything just for a drop of blood.
And before you get your bloodlust under control, the frenzy of feeding can have horrendous ramifications. It is an immeasurable pleasure, but unless it’s properly controlled, it is devastatingly dangerous.”
“That’s good to know,” I swallowed hard.
“I’ve got it under control for the most part, and I have horrible impulse control,” Jack offered, and I did find some comfort in that. As much as I tempted him, he hadn’t bit me, and if it was as extreme as Ezra made it out to be, than that really was saying something.
“The second thing is immortality.” Ezra breathed deeply and looked down at Mae. She had a faraway, sad look, and I hoped that someone would explain it to me. “We’re not truly immortal. If you damage our brain or our heart, or we go long enough without feeding, we will die. But we have no natural cause of death. Barring another vampire attacking us, there really is very little that stops us. We are slow to turn other vampires as a result of it. We never die, so our population needs to be kept in check. So, please, don’t think this is a casual invitation we are giving you.”