“Cheese fry?” I asked Jessica, giving her my best enticing face, while holding out a soggy fry covered in the yellow stuff.
She laughed.
“I’m fine,” she said.
I popped the soggy fry into my mouth.
“Will,” she said.
Her voice had changed, and it instantly got my attention. I met her eyes just before they left mine for a spot on the table’s surface in between us.
“I wasn’t just in the area,” she confessed, returning her eyes to mine. “I heard you were playing here, and I decided to come see you.”
She paused, but I didn’t say anything. She had gotten serious all of a sudden, and I was trying to figure out why.
I watched her take a breath and then let it out.
“I’ve been holding onto something for quite a long time now, and I just can’t hold onto it anymore,” she said.
I swallowed the fry and sat back in the booth.
“Remember New Year’s Eve years ago?” she asked. “The night you said that you weren’t ready for a relationship yet?”
I wished I didn’t, but unfortunately, I did remember it.
I nodded my head.
“Well, I didn’t understand until later,” she said. “I put the pieces together, and Jeff, without telling me outright, helped me fill in the holes along the way.”
She paused for a second.
“And I guess I’m just wondering if you’re ready yet,” she said.
Her eyes remained in mine. I shifted my weight in the booth and struggled to take a staggered breath and then to say something. But I had no words.
After a moment in my eyes, Jessica found the spot on the table in front of us again.
“It was Julia, wasn’t it?” she asked, so softly I almost didn’t hear her.
Her eyes turned up, and I met her gaze again.
“The girl on your dashboard and the girl from the party,” she said. “And she was the one at your ceremony and with you in the hospital that day — that was her, wasn’t it?”
I swallowed hard. All the things I thought she hadn’t seen, she had.
I lowered my head and then slowly nodded. Then, I heard her softly clearing her throat.
“It still is, isn’t it?” she asked.
I gradually looked up and met her eyes. Then, I nodded a second time.
“Do you think she’ll come back?” she asked.
I sat there motionless for a moment. That question always made my heart sink. Eventually, though, I shrugged my shoulders.
“I don’t know,” I said, shaking my head.
I watched a sad smile form on her lips.
“You must really love her,” she said.
I took a deep breath and then slowly nodded my head once again.
“I do,” I simply said.
I paid the bill and walked Jessica to her car a block over from the diner. I waited as she unlocked the door and slid behind the steering wheel. There were tears in her eyes. I hopelessly watched as she tried to wipe them away with the back of her hand.
This was all my fault. If I could go back and change that night and the days that led up to it, I would. I would do everything differently.
“I’m sorry, Jessica,” I said. “I never meant…”
She waved her hand and stopped me short.
“It was worth a shot,” she said, smiling up at me. “But I should have known that I couldn’t compete with her memory.”
She paused for a moment then before she spoke again. I could still see the tears in her eyes.
“Take care, Will,” she said.
I gently smiled. Then, I watched as she planted her eyes straight ahead and then pulled away.
The walk back to Lou was full of thoughts, but there was only one of those thoughts I just couldn’t shake.
Once I was back inside my truck, I let out a deep sigh and then stared into the steering wheel.
What was I doing?
I was waiting. I was waiting for Jules, on her own time, to realize that she still loved me. Damn, that sounds crazy. But, somehow, I truly believed that she still did, and that in time, she would realize it. Does that make me crazy?
If she could just set aside everything that came with life for just one moment, I believed that she would see what I see. If she could just hear the song — if I could just get the song to her ears — maybe she would stop and remember us. Maybe.
I broke my stare from the steering wheel and anxiously started searching for my phone in the pocket of my jeans. My heart was racing by the time my fingers touched its rounded edge. I quickly pulled it out and glanced at its screen. Then, I rested a finger on the second number. I held it there for long, drawn-out moments before I just simply couldn’t take it any longer, and I sent the phone dialing her digits.
Another second went by before I slowly brought the phone to my ear and took a deep breath and held it hostage inside my lungs. Then, when I heard the first ring, I allowed the breath to steadily escape past my lips. There was a second ring, and my heart sank lower. A third ring rattled through the phone, and my mind prepared for the message I would most likely have to leave. And after another ring, I heard a recording of her sweet voice pick up. Then, all too soon, I heard the screeching sound of the beep, and I froze. I didn’t know if a second had gone by or four or five when my eyes finally fell shut and my mouth opened.
“Julia, I love you,” I said into the phone.
Long moments ambled by before a woman’s voice poured through the speaker and asked me if I was satisfied with my message. I took a second and stared into the phone’s screen. Then, I pressed a number on its dial pad.
I heard the woman’s voice again: “If you would like to delete your message and rerecord, press three.”
My finger hovered over the keypad and then finally forced down a number.
“Your message has been deleted,” the woman’s voice said.
I threw the phone at the passenger’s seat and slammed my palm hard against the steering wheel. Then, I took a deep breath and tried to swallow years’ worth of regret. Knives stabbed at my chest, and I felt a warm liquid collecting behind my eyes as I collapsed onto the wheel. It had been so long, and now, I felt as if I were falling apart at the seams. What if she didn’t come back? What if she didn’t remember her promise? What if I had already lost her? I hated those thoughts, but in reality, none of them compared to the thought of losing her twice.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Even
I opened the screen door and let it swing back into its place behind me as I stepped into the tiny bar. There was music playing on an old juke box, as usual, and the place smelled of burgers and fried food — as usual.
“Hey, Annie,” I said, when I planted my feet at the bar.
“Oh, hey, Will.”
The round woman in her late fifties turned and glanced up at me.
“I’ve got your cheeseburger comin’ right up,” she said.
I smiled at the woman, then turned my attention to the rest of the bar. The room was dimly lit. It always was.
“Hey, man,” Ben called out from behind the bar. “You off tonight?”
“Yeah,” I said. “Is Rachel here? I saw her car outside.”
Ben’s eyes locked on mine.
“She’s not the only one here, buddy,” he said, so quietly I almost didn’t hear him over the music.
I followed his stare to the other side of the room. Then, I saw her. Her face was cast down. I didn’t know if she had seen me. I felt my heart jump, and I grabbed the edge of the bar top as my eyes wondered back to Ben.
“I’ll, uh…,” I said, not even bothering to finish my sentence, as I nodded and took my first step toward her.
Each step after that was like a small journey in itself. My feet were heavy. I couldn’t get to her fast or slow enough. I wanted time to think of what to say, but I also just wanted to get to her.