It was hardly possible to believe that they were not lovers.
I might have felt that I was dreaming of the impossible except for the fact that on several occasions I would see his eyes stray round the room and I knew they were looking for me; and when they found me something flashed between us. We were going to meet, but I knew that it was imperative that we take the utmost care.
I was schooling myself. When the moment came I wanted to be ready. No quick tumble behind locked doors this time, Robert. No "Let it be tonight if the Queen can spare me." He would be plausible. He was the most plausible man on earth, but I should be wary. I was wiser now.
It amused me to think that Elizabeth and I were rivals. She was a worthy adversary indeed with her weapons of power and promises of greatness ... and her threats, of course. "Do not think my favor is so locked up in you ..." Her father all over again. "I brought you up. I could as easily throw you down." Henry VIII had said that to his favorites ... men and women who had worked for him and given him of their best: Cardinal Wolsey, Thomas Cromwell, Catherine of Aragon, Anne Boleyn, poor little Catherine Howard—and Katharine Parr would have been another if he had not died in time. Henry had once loved Anne Boleyn as passionately as Elizabeth loved Robert, but that had not saved her. These thoughts must occur now and then to Robert. ,.
If I displeased her what would happen to me? Such was my nature that contemplation of my danger did not deter me; in some ways it added to my eagerness.
At last there came the moment when we were alone together. He took my hand and looked into my eyes.
"What do you want of me, my lord?" I asked.
"You know," he replied fervently.
"There are many women here," I said. "And I have a husband."
"There is only one I want."
"Take care," I teased. "That's treason. Your mistress would be very displeased with you if she heard you utter such words."
"I care for nothing but that you and I should be together."
I shook my head.
"There is a room—right at the top of the west tower. It is never visited," he persisted.
I turned away but he had caught my hand and I was immediately shaking with that desire which he alone could arouse in me.
"I shall be there at midnight... waiting."
I said: "You may wait, my lord."
Someone was mounting the stairs and he quickly went off. Afraid to be seen, I thought angrily.
I did not go to that room in the tower, though it was difficult to prevent myself doing so. I found a good deal of pleasure, though, imagining his striding up and down waiting impatiently.
He was reproachful and a little more reckless next time we met. We were not alone and although he appeared to be exchanging pleasantries with a guest he was saying: "I must speak to you. There is much I have to say to you."
"Then just for a talk perhaps," I said.
And I went to the room.
He seized me and attempted to kiss me into submission but I noticed that first he had carefully locked the door.
"No," I protested. "Not yet."
"Yes," he said. "Now! I have waited too long. I will not wait a second longer."
I knew I was weak. My resolutions slipped away. He had only to touch me—and I had always known my need of him matched his for me. It was useless to resist. We would talk afterwards.
He laughed triumphantly. I was triumphant too, because I knew this was a temporary surrender. I should have my way in the end.
Afterwards he said complacently: "Oh, Lettice, how we need each other!"
"I have got along very well without you for eight years," I reminded him.
"Eight wasted years!" he sighed.
"Wasted! Oh no, my lord, you advanced far in royal favor during that time."
"Any time not spent with you is wasted time."
"You sound as though you are talking to the Queen."
"Oh, come, Lettice, be reasonable."
"That is exactly what I intend to be."
"You are married. I am in this position ..."
"Hoping to marry. They say: 'Hope deferred maketh the heart sick.' Is that how it is with you? Are you so sick with waiting that you look elsewhere for what you imagine can be a few secret meetings with someone who finds you too handsome to resist?"
"You know it is not so, but you also know my position."
"I know that she has been dangling you these many years and still there is little hope. Or do you go on hoping?"
"The Queen's temper is uncertain."
"Do I not know that! You forget I was banished from the Court for eight years. And do you know why?"
He drew me closer to him.
"You should have a care," I warned him. "She noticed once."
"Do you think she did?"
"For what other reason should I have been kept from Court?"
He laughed. A little complacently, I thought, so sure that he could do what he would with the women who interested him.
I held back and he was immediately the pleading lover.
"Lettice, I love you ... you only ..."
"Then let us go and tell the Queen."
"You've forgotten Essex."
"He is your safeguard."
"If he were not there I would marry you and prove to you the true state of my feelings."
"But he is there and you may say 'if with the greatest complacency. You know full well you dare not tell the Queen what has happened tonight."
"I would not tell her, no. But if I could marry you I would do so and in time break the news to her."
"As a woman cannot have two husbands, there can be no marriage. And if the Queen were to discover that you and I had been together, we know what would happen. I should be sent away from Court. You would be in disgrace for a while and then taken back into favor. That is one of your greatest accomplishments, I believe. The fact is I came here to talk ..."
"And then you found that our love overwhelmed us both."
"I found that I enjoy my pleasures and that in some respects you suit me well. But I will not be picked up and dropped when it is expedient to do so as though I were some serving wench."
"That you could never be mistaken for."
"I hope not. But it would seem you imagined I could be treated like one. It shall not happen again, my lord."
"Lettice, you must understand. More than anything, I want to marry you, and I tell you this... . One day I am going to."
"When?"
"Ere long."
"And Essex?"
"Leave him to me."
"What do you mean by that?"
"I mean who can know what will happen? Be patient. You and I were meant for each other. I knew it when we first met. But you were married to Essex, so what could I do? Ah, Lettice, if you had not married him, how different it would have been. But you have come back to me. Don't think I am ever going to let you go again."
"You should let me go now or I shall be missed, and if I am, and if I am being spied on, and it comes to the Queen's ears, I would not be in your shoes, Robert Dudley. And I fancy mine would not be very comfortable either."
He unlocked the door. Then he held me in an embrace so fierce that I thought the whole thing was going to start all over again; but he realized the sense of my warning and let me go.
I crept back to my apartment. My absence had been noticed by some of the others. I wondered whether any of them thought I had been with a lover, and I amused myself by imagining their shocked wonder if I told them I had and who it was.
The weather grew less hot; there had been a few refreshing showers and the entire company seemed to be in excellent spirits. I saw nothing of Robert in private, but frequently, of course, in the company of others, for he was constantly at the Queen's side. They hunted a great deal together, spending the hours until twilight in the forest; and when they returned to Kenilworth there was invariably some welcoming pageant for Elizabeth. There was no end to Robert's inventiveness, but all the time he had to be wary, for the pleasure he had given the Queen could be quickly forgotten and all his efforts in vain if in some way he should manage to offend her.