He sent her back to her home with an escort of servants and declared he was going to Holland. He would be in time to join in the battle for Sluys and it might well be that he would fall. Never mind. Death was preferable to the service of such an unfair mistress, and he doubted not that she would consider herself well rid of him.
He then set out for Sandwich.
The next day, when the Queen asked for him, she heard that he was on his way to Holland. She sent a party after him to bring him back.
He was about to board a ship at Sandwich when they arrived, and at first he refused to return, but when he was told that if he did not they would take him back by force, he had to obey.
When he returned the Queen was delighted to see him. She scolded him and told him that he had been foolish and he was not going to leave Court without her permission.
Within a few days he was back in favor.
He had such good fortune, this wayward son of mine. If only he had taken advantage of it! Alas, it often seemed to me that he showed only contempt for the benefits showered on him. If ever a man tempted fate, that man was Essex.
One of his dearest wishes had been to get me reinstated at Court, for he knew how greatly I had desired this, and as Leicester had been unable to bring this about, I believe one of his reasons for wanting it was to achieve that which his stepfather had failed to.
It had always been a source of great distress to me that I could not be part of the Queen's circle. Leicester had been dead for ten years. Surely she could bear to see me now. I was a kinswoman; I was getting old; surely she could forget I had married her Sweet Robin.
I had given her her favorite man. Surely she must realize that but for me there could have been no Essex to disrupt and at the same time enchant her days. But she was a vindictive woman. My son was well aware of my feelings and had promised me that one day he would bring us together. He regarded it as a slight to himself that he could not persuade her to a reconciliation, and it was a challenge to his determination to enforce his will.
He was now acting as Secretary and she did not like him to be out of her sight. People realized that if they would please the Queen, they might be brought to her notice through this young man on whom she doted.
He came to Leicester House in a state of great excitement one day.
"Prepare yourself, my lady," he cried. "You are going to Court."
I could not believe it was possible. "Will she really see me?" I said.
"She has told me that she will be passing from her chamber to the Presence Room and, if you are in the Privy Gallery, she will see you as she passes through."
It would be a very formal meeting, but it would be a beginning and I was exultant. The long exile was over. Essex wanted the meeting and she could deny him nothing. She and I would be on civilized terms again. I remembered how in the old days I could often make her laugh, with some wry comment, some remark about people around us. We were old now; we could talk together, exchange reminiscences, let bygones be bygones.
I thought about her a good deal. I had seen her over the years, but never close. Riding on her palfry or in her carriage, she was remote, a great queen but still the woman who had defeated me. I wanted to be close to her, for only when I was near her could I feel alive again. I missed Leicester. Perhaps I had temporarily fallen out of love with him at the end but without him life had lost its savor. She could have put something back for me. We could have compensated each other for his loss. I had my young Christopher—a good, kind, devoted man who still marveled at his good fortune in marrying me; but I found myself constantly comparing him with Leicester—and what man could compare favorably with him! It was not Christopher's fault that I found him lacking. It was merely that I had been loved by the most dominating, exciting man of the age—and because she, the Queen, had loved him too, only now that I had lost him could I recapture that zest for life if she would take me into her circle once more-laugh with me, do battle with me—anything if she would but come back into my life.
I was overwhelmed with excitement at the prospect of going back to Court again. She meant so much in my life. She was part of me. I could never be unaware of her any more than she could of me. She was lost and lonely without Leicester as I was too. Even if I had deluded myself into believing that I had not loved him at the end, it made no difference now.
I wanted to talk to her—two women, too old for jealousy surely. I wanted to remember with her the early days when she loved and thought of marrying Robert. I wanted to hear from her lips how much she knew of the death of Robert's first wife. We should be so close. Our lives were entwined with that of Robert Dudley and it was to each other that we should tell our secrets.
I had not been so excited for a long time.
On the appointed day, I dressed with great care and restraint— not flamboyantly, but unassumingly, which was the manner I wished to convey. I must be humble, grateful, and show my deep pleasure in an unrestrained manner.
I went to the gallery and waited with a few others there. There were some who were surprised to see me and I noticed the discreet glances which were exchanged.
The minutes slipped by. She did not appear. There was a whisper in the gallery and more glances came my way. An hour had passed and still she had not come.
At length one of her pages came into the gallery. "Her Majesty will not be passing through the gallery today," he announced.
I felt sick with disappointment. I was sure that it was because she knew I was waiting there that she had not come.
Essex came to Leicester House later in the day.
He was distressed. "You did not see her, I know," he said. "I told her you had waited and had gone away disappointed, but she said she felt too unwell to leave her chamber, and she has promised that there shall be another time."
Well, it could be true.
A week later, Essex told me that he had so persisted that the Queen had said she would see me as she passed out of the palace to her coach. She was dining out, and it would be a beginning if I waited once more, and as she passed she would have a word with me. That was all I needed; then I could ask to come to Court, but until I had received that friendly word I was powerless.
Essex was suffering from one of his periodic bouts of fever and was in bed in his apartment at the palace, otherwise he would have accompanied the Queen and what would have made it easier for me.
However, I was no novice of Court ways, and once more dressed myself, as I thought, suitably, and taking a diamond worth about three hundred pounds from that store left to me after so much had been sold to pay Leicester's debts, I set out for the palace.
Once more I waited in the anteroom where others, who sought a passing word with her, were assembled. After a while I began to suspect that it would be the same as before, and how right I was proved to be. After a while the coach was taken away and I heard that the Queen had decided not to dine out that night.
Fuming with rage, I returned to Leicester House. I could see that she had no intention of receiving me. She was using the same treatment to me as she had given her suitors. One was supposed to go on hoping, go on trying and be prepared to meet with failure at every turn.
I heard from my son that when he had learned that she had decided not to dine out he had left his sickbed to go to her and implore her not to disappoint me again. She had, however, been adamant. She had made up her mind not to dine out and she would not do so. Essex sulked and returned to his bed with the remark that as no small request of his was worth consideration it would be better if he retired from Court.
He must have made some impression on her, for shortly afterwards he came with a message from the Queen. She would receive me privately.