I lost my temper. She had crossed the line. Or else I was so drunk there was no line. I swore at her, shouted that she was terrible, all she ever thought about was making me toe lines, putting obstacles in my way, clinging to me as tightly as possible. It was sick, I yelled, you are sick. Now I’m going to fucking leave you. You’ll never see me again.
I walked away as fast as I could. She came running after me.
You’re drunk, she said. Calm down. We can talk about this tomorrow. You can’t go to town in that state.
Why the hell not? I said, pulling her hand off me. We had reached the tiny patch of grass between her street and mine. I never want to see you again, I shouted, strode across the street and went down towards Zinkensdamm Station. Linda stopped outside her flat and called after me. I didn’t turn. Crossed Söder, through the Old Town to Central Station, still fuming the whole way. My plan was simple: I would get on the train to Oslo and leave this shit town and never go back. Never. Never ever. It was snowing, it was cold, but the anger was keeping me warm. Inside the station I could barely distinguish the letters on the departures board, but after some intense concentration, which I also had to apply in order to keep my balance, I saw that there was a train between nine and ten in the morning. It was four o’clock now.
What should I do in the meantime?
I found a bench at the back and settled down to sleep. The last thought I had before falling asleep was that I mustn’t waver when I woke up, I had to stick to my decision, Stockholm was the past, irrespective of how sober I was.
A station guard shook my shoulder; I opened my eyes.
‘You can’t sleep here,’ he said.
‘I’m waiting for a train,’ I said, sitting up slowly.
‘Fine. But you can’t sleep here.’
‘Can I sit?’ I asked.
‘Hardly,’ he said. ‘You’re drunk, aren’t you. Perhaps the best would be to go home.’
‘OK,’ I said. Got up.
Whoops. Yes, still drunk.
It was just after eight. The station was crowded. All I wanted was to sleep. My head was terribly heavy, it burned in a kind of fever, such that nothing I saw took root, everything glanced off, I trudged down through the Metro corridors, got on a train, got off at Zinkensdamm, up to the flat, no key, so I had to bang on the door.
I had to sleep. Couldn’t give a toss about anything else.
Linda came running into the hall on the opposite side of the glass door.
‘Oh, there you are,’ she said, wrapping her arms around me. ‘I’ve been so afraid. I’ve rung every hospital in town. Has a tall Norwegian been brought in…? Where have you been?’
‘At Central Station,’ I said. ‘I was going to catch the train to Norway. But now I have to sleep. Leave me be, and don’t wake me.’
‘OK,’ she said. ‘Do you want anything when you wake up? Coke, bacon?’
‘Couldn’t care less,’ I said, and stormed into the flat, tore off my clothes, got under the duvet and was asleep in an instant.
When I woke it was dark outside. Linda was sitting on the chair in the kitchen and reading beneath the lamp, which, like a wading bird standing on one leg, long and thin, with its head slightly slanted, was lit above her.
‘Hi,’ she said. ‘How are you?’
I poured myself a glass of water and drank it in one swig.
‘Fine,’ I said. ‘Apart from the angst.’
‘I’m very sorry about last night,’ she said, putting the book on the armrest and getting up.
‘Me too,’ I said.
‘Is it true that you were going to leave?’
I nodded.
‘I was. I’d had enough.’
She put her arms around me.
‘I understand,’ she said.
‘It wasn’t just what happened at the party. It’s much more.’
‘Yes,’ she said.
‘Come on. Let’s go into the sitting room,’ I said. Refilled my glass and sat down at the table. Linda followed and switched on the ceiling light.
‘Do you remember the first time I came here?’ I said. ‘To this room, I mean.’
She nodded.
‘You said you thought you were becoming kjær, fond, of me.’
‘It was an understatement.’
‘Yes, I know that now. But in fact I was offended. Kjær sounds very weak in Norwegian. You can be fond of an aunt. I didn’t know that kjær in Swedish was the same as forelsket in Norwegian. In love. I thought you said you were beginning to like me a little, and it might become something, given time. That was how I interpreted you.’
She gave a faint smile and looked down at the table.
‘I plunged in with both feet,’ she said. ‘Got you up here and told you what I felt for you. And then you were so cold. You said we could be friends, do you remember? I had invested everything and lost everything. I was so desperate after you’d left.’
‘But now we’re here.’
‘Yes.’
‘You can’t tell me what to do, Linda. That won’t wash. I’ll leave you. And I don’t mean about drinking. I mean about everything. You can’t do that.’
‘I know.’
There was a silence.
‘Didn’t we have some meatballs in the fridge?’ I asked. ‘I’m bloody famished.’
She nodded.
I went into the kitchen, shook the meatballs into a frying pan and put the water on for spaghetti. I heard Linda come in behind me.
‘There was nothing wrong this summer,’ I said. ‘I mean with the drinking. You didn’t mind then, did you?’
‘No,’ she said. ‘And it was fantastic. I am frightened of crossing lines, but I wasn’t then, not with you, it felt very secure. It never felt as if it was going to tip over and become manic or simply ugly. It felt very safe. And I’ve never felt that before. But now it’s different. We’ve moved on.’
‘Right,’ I said, and turned as the butter began to melt among the meatballs in the pan. ‘Where are we now then?’
She shrugged.
‘I don’t know. But it feels as if we’ve lost something. Something is finished. And I’m frightened the rest will disappear.’
‘But you can’t force me. That’s the best way to make it disappear.’
‘Of course. I know that.’
I sprinkled salt into the water for the spaghetti.
‘Are you going to have some?’ I asked.
She nodded, wiping away tears with her thumbs.
Thure Erik arrived at around two the next day, filled the whole of the tiny flat with his personality the second he stepped inside. We went to some second-hand bookshops, he perused what they had of old natural history, and then we went to Pelikanen, had dinner and drank beer until they closed. I told him about the night on the railway station and my decision to catch the train back to Norway.