"Agh! Dry skin! Dry skin!"
They backed away from me. I followed, still flinging sludge. They fled, calling for help. I laughed at them and shouldered aside the curtain leading to the courtyard.
My eyes widened. The entire square was full of soldiers. At the rear was a gigantic carriage drawn by four matched newts. In it, a scrawny little guy wearing a rusty red wig bigger than his whole body.
"What is wrong with you?" the wizened little guy yelled at the soldiers. "Take them! Bring me the treasures!"
Hylida dropped to her knees. Most of her flock followed suit. "That's the Majaranarana!"
"Yield to me!" he shrieked, whipping his newts until they charged us. "I want the gold!"
The soldiers shouted. "For the Majaranarana!"
Buirnie outshouted them. The Fife let out a deafening trill that turned my ears inside out. The noise set the newts bucking and tossing their heads. Riders were thrown off their backs, including the Majaranarana, whose carriage flipped wheels-up as the four beasts tried to flee in several directions at once. The riders tried to grab their mounts, but the panicked lizards fled out of the square.
Klik, the spotlight, flew up out of reach and shone a blinding beam down on his boss, as Zildie started beating a martial rhythm. Buirnie blasted out a war song.
I kept spattering soldiers with Asti's special brew. Tananda flitted from guard, deftly kicking the spears out of their hands or knocking them flying with a stewpot on a chain she had picked up from Hylida's kitchen.
Our defiance of the tax authority had awoken something in the Toadies of the Abbey. They were fighting back, to the astonishment of the soldiers, who obviously were used to bullying them whenever they felt like it. The armored males defended themselves at bay or cowered with their hands over their heads as gangs of the neighborhood poor battered at them with pots, pans, rocks, unripe fruit, spoiled food and garbage. The soldiers might have been better armed, but they were vastly outnumbered. It looked like a cross between a soccer riot and the great pie fight. Poor Hylida stood huddled against the front wall of her mission, shouting at people to calm down and stop fighting. It was no use. Her followers were fed up with their treatment, and were taking probably their one and only opportunity in their lives to fight back. I tried to get to her, but I spotted Calypsa in the middle of a ring of soldiers who were still trying to follow their master's orders and seize the Hoard. She looked terrified. I started throwing guards out of my way to get to her.
"Draw me!" Ersatz bellowed at her. "Come on, lass! Defend yourself! Draw me!"
Almost in a trance, Calypsa dragged the brand over her head. "Now what?"
"Wield me, lass!" he exclaimed. "I will guide you! Your dancer's wiles are better than a trained fencer's. Forward with right foot! Bring me around, cut upward! Slash right! Good, lass!" he called out, as the lead guard's head went bounding across the floor. "Quick, two-step to the right, plunge me behind your back! No, POINT first. Point first!"
"Ugggh!"
Calypsa turned gracefully on the tip of one toe and found herself staring at the biggest of the thugs, arms crossed over a belly-wound that I could tell was fatal.
"She doesn't need you," Asti said.
Ersatz shouted orders, and Calypsa followed them. She swung and danced, and the long, blue blade flashed in the sun like a pinwheel. To my surprise, the guards began to fall back.
"You're right," I said. "I'll be dipped in…"
"Help, aid, assistance!" Payge's soft voice suddenly exclaimed, from my other side.
I felt something tugging at the straps of the shoulder bag. I tugged back, and found myself looking into the beady eyes of the Majaranarana.
"Give that to me, or die," he said, showing his rows of jagged little teeth. At his back were thirty soldiers, most of them looking pretty beaten up. Still, I couldn't take on thirty of them. Very slowly, I extended the book bag to him.
"That's better," the scrawny ruler said, flipping open the top and fondling Payge's spine. Did I imagine it, or did the Book shudder? "Horunkus, give him the demand."
The captain cleared his throat importantly and raised his electronic tablet. "You underquoted the value of the goods which you brought into the Imperial city of Sri Port, and must pay five thousand gold coins per item that you undervalued."
"Five tho — Not a chance!" I snarled.
Horunkus grinned evilly. "Furthermore, there is a penalty of seven hundred gold coins per item for lying to officials. Or, if you cannot produce the cash," he leered at me over the keypad, "you can surrender said goods into the hands of the tax authority of the Majaranarana Taricho. Immediately." With a flourish, he tore off the length of plastic tape and handed it to me. The soldiers loomed closer in anticipation. "You want gold?" I asked. "I'll give you gold."
I grinned at the Toady, then took the Purse out of my belt and very deliberately stuck the ticket he had given me in Chin-Hwah's mouth.
The Purse protested.
"No, don't you dare, you Perv — BLEAAAAAAGHH!"
A fountain of coins spurted up out of the pouch sitting on my palm. The Majaranarana's eyes widened, and he threw himself at the growing river of coins. Horunkus, less of a fool than his master, made a grab for the Purse itself. I slugged him with a kidney punch. He turned, weakly, torn between the lust for revenge or greed. Greed won. He started trying to catch coins as they fell from the sky. The plume of glittering gold rose higher. Soldiers dropped their weapons and joined in the coin-catch. I turned and shielded my head so I didn't get a faceful of hard little disks. The roar of the fountain grew louder and louder.
After what seemed like an hour, the deafening rain of coins came to a halt.
"I feel unwell," Chin-Hwag announced weakly.
I looked around. The square had fallen silent. I couldn't see the Majaranarana or any of his men anywhere. Calypsa stood over a couple of bodies, covered with blood. Ersatz was clutched in both of her hands. I grabbed her elbow and hauled her into the doorway of the mission. She looked dazed.
"I defeated two guards!" Calypsa said, over and over again. Tananda jumped down from a rooftop and piled in after us.
"Nice work, too," Tanda said, wiping the Walt girl's face with a rag. "None of this blood is yours. You were terrific! I'd never have dreamed you have never held a sword before."
"I never lose," Ersatz said, with no attempt at modesty, as Tananda rubbed him down and restored him to the scabbard on the unprotesting Walt's back. "But the lass has innate talent. Had she been trained since birth there'd be no army could stand against her, outnumbered or no. Ah, once we can begin training you, you will be legendary. Let us continue against the foe. They shall not take us by force!"
"Forget it," I interrupted them. I stood aside and held open the curtain so they could see. "It's over."
Chin-Hwag's gold eruption had buried half the square. Hylida's parishioners stood flattened against the crumbling walls of the surrounding buildings. Except for our breathing, the whole square was quiet as a tomb.
I stared at the heap of coins, piled higher than my head. I had never seen so much money in all my life. No king had a treasury like that. It was astonishing. It was unreal.
"That," I said hoarsely, "is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life."
Everyone gazed at it, their shoulders heaving, eyes gleaming.
"Now, let us behave with moderation," Hylida said, addressing her flock with her hands raised. "Please, show restraint…"
The townsfolk stared at the pile of gold for perhaps three seconds, then they dove at it, grabbing coins off the heap, stuffing them into their pockets, purses, bras, hats, whatever would hold anything, and making off with it before anyone stopped them. Not that there was anyone to stop them at the moment. The guards were all gone.