"But there's a great party going on here!" Buirnie exclaimed.
"Knock yourself out," I said. "I'm going to bed."
A warm presence wrapped itself around me and intruded itself into my dreams.
"Aahz," a soft voice said.
"Mmph."
"Aahz. Get up. You'll want to get in this."
"Too tired," I said. "Maybe later, sweetheart." Fingers played with my left ear. I smiled. The fingers took a firmer hold, then twisted firmly. I sat bolt upright, outraged. "What's going on here?"
Tananda sat up, looking pleased. "There, I said you weren't too hung over to wake up."
"Said who?"
"Come on. I think Calypsa's getting confused."
"What now?"
I followed Tananda's curves as they undulated through knots of Bonhomies blinking against the invasion of daylight. Drinking was on again, as the sun had hoisted its bleary red self over the yard arm.
"What time is it?"
"Noonish," Tananda said. "Hurry. I'm not making much headway with them."
"With who?"
In the small room behind the frat bar that Calypsa had chosen as her dormitory for the night, some kind of meeting was going on. The members of the Golden Hoard were arranged in a circle. Klik broadcast a bright light on them, making them gleam like a Pervect's wildest dreams of avarice. Calypsa sat behind Ersatz, at a respectful remove in the shadows.
"What is going on?"
"A conference of war," Chin-Hwag said.
"What for?"
"We do not care for your strategy, and we are discussing our own."
"WHAT?"
"Sweetie-baby," Buirnie said, placatingly, "we just don't dig your idea. It's not really us, if you know what I mean. I mean, Aahz! You can't just hand us over to an evil wizard like a collection of…"
"Artifacts," Payge said, in his gentle voice.
"Why the hell not? Give me one good reason why?"
"With only two days remaining to Calypso's execution, we have no time to lose," Asti said. "I would expect even a mortal with your recalcitrant character to understand. Now, please sit down so we can get on with our strategy."
"We are not yet a full complement," Chin-Hwag reminded them.
"Who's missing, again?" Buirnie asked.
"The Ring," Ersatz said at once. "He is the only member of our coterie we have not yet located."
"I must have it, or my grandfather will never be freed," Calypsa said, wringing her hands. "Please, we have little time to lose. Barrik will lose patience with me!"
"What about it?" I asked Kelsa. "Where is the Ring?"
Kelsa looked apologetic. "I am so sorry," she said. "I have tried time and time again to locate him, but he must be in the midst of some very powerful magik. I have received the same sounds, and nothing more. Here, I'll let you hear them. Perhaps you can gain some clue from them?"
The Crystal Ball turned entirely black. Someone was humming tunelessly, drowned out by rushing sounds like a stream flowing. I could hear the clank of metal-on-metal. Nothing else.
We all concentrated on the image.
"Looks like a black cat sleeping in a coal bin," I said. "No good, Kelsa. Can you bring it in a little clearer?"
"I'm not a television set! This is the best I can do!"
"How about you?" I asked Payge.
"Alas, no. Nothing is written within me about the finding of Bozebos yet. You can go over the possible scenarios."
"How many?"
"Five thousand."
"Forget it. You people aren't much help. Maybe we can do a little detective work. We can go to the Bazaar and a few other places who know where choice jewelry and magik items are being traded around the dimensions. I'll need a description. What's he look like?"
The face under the turban began its eye-bulging antics again, then vanished. An image started to coalesce in its place inside the globe. "Here is the ring Bozebos, great circle of eternity. Its golden band was mined from the same seam that produced the rest of us. We are brothers and sisters in the metal. The wizard Prumdar fashioned it in his workshop under a year's worth of full moons. The gems adorning it are of equal quality, all precious beyond compare. Behold, the Diamond of Justice! The Sapphire of Purity! The Spinel of Curiosity. The Cubic Zirconia of Economy…"
"Gaudy, ain't it," I observed.
"That could not possibly be the Ring," Calypsa said, gawking at it.
"Why not?" I asked. "It looks like the mother of all magikal rings. In fact, it looks like several put together. Iiberace would have loved it."
"Who's Liberace?" Calypsa asked. For a moment I thought about Skeeve, and how he never got my cultural references, either.
"Never mind," I said. "WHY can't this be the Ring?"
"It cannot possibly be great Bozebos, because it is a piece of junk jewelry that my grandfather got from his mother, who received it from her father's mother. He wears it when he does his Dance of Lights."
Tananda and I looked at each other. I raised an eyebrow.
"There is no way that Barrik didn't know that," she said. "I'd bet the last pair of panties in my underwear drawer."
"If we didn't think this was all a trap before, I'm sure of it now," I said. "Kid, Barrik has no intention of freeing your grandfather once you bring the Golden Hoard to him. In fact, if you do it, you'll be lucky to escape with your life."
"That is the rede of what I have been seeking to convince her," Ersatz said. "We need an approach that will upset the wizard's plans."
"Grandfather has the last of the treasures!" Calypsa said, absorbing at last what we'd just spent the last several minutes telling her. "Then we must take the rest to Barrik immediately."
"No way."
"But, Aahz! You have been saying all along…"
I cut her off.
"I changed my mind. We can't do it."
"Tananda!" The girl pleaded. "We must go."
Tananda shook her head. "I agree with Aahz. It's a trap. You can't walk in there and expect a fair deal. You'll hand the Hoard to him, and he'll have his minions take them away so that he doesn't have to pay off on his promise. He wants to keep the old man locked up forever, probably to discourage any other Walts from thumbing their noses, er, beaks at him."
"Then, what shall I do?" Calypsa asked, piteously.
"You have us. We have the power between us to break any stronghold," Ersatz assured her. "And with your promise as a swordswoman and me in your hand, none shall harm you."
"You're thinking of setting her, one inexperienced girl, alone against a castleful of minions?" I asked disbelievingly.
"I believe that she will not be ALONE, as you suggest so insultingly, friend Aahz. We will be with her. We shall undertake this rescue ourselves. Pardon me for my forwardness, Calypsa, but you are inexperienced in these matters. We will take the lead, if you do not mind."
"Thank you," she said, looking at the Sword with an expression of admiration and trust.
"Tananda and I have plenty of experience at rescues and dealing with enemy wizards," I said.
"Perhaps," Payge said, vaguely. "Do you mind not intruding? My colleagues and I are conferring. All right, sharpie, what is it you think we should do?"
"Hey!" I protested. "What am I, chopped liver?"
"Silence, Pervect," Asti said. "This is none of your concern."
I goggled at her. Ersatz's eyes turned pensive.
"A direct assault is the best way," the Sword said, ignoring the Book's insult. "With me in her hand, I will guide her to defeat the forces of the stronghold. She can win through to the sanctuary of the tyrant. He will not be able to stand against us! He must surrender, in fear of his life."
"To an army of one?" Buirnie asked, with heavy sarcasm. He twinkled at Calypsa. "No, it would be far better if you and I went in there together, sweetheart! With your dancing and my singing, we could waltz in there, excuse the pun, and waltz out again before he knew what we were doing. We'll get your grandfather out of his jail cell, and 23-skidoo!"