"You comic book!" Buirnie exploded, loosing a whistle that pierced both of my ears to the center of my skull. "How dare you claim to be the greatest historical archive of all time! Ersatz said you missed out completely on a dozen of his battles. He says you ignored them out of jealousy!"
"That is not true," Ersatz protested. "I said he might have downplayed my role in the wars out of deference to the mortals involved. But I should have been mentioned where I took a part!"
"Your ego is not the point of my documents," Payge said. "It is for the ages."
Tananda grabbed my arm. "It's starting again."
The ground started to shake underneath our feet.
"Make them stop, Aahz!" Calypsa begged me.
"No," I said, with satisfaction. "This is just what we want."
"Hah!" Asti exclaimed. "You provoked that on purpose!"
"Sure did," I said with satisfaction. "You all go up like balloons right on cue. Works pretty well, I think."
Ersatz's dark blue eyes were summing. "Friend Aahz, you are not only an excellent judge of character, but a clever captain of resources."
I grinned. "I bet you say that to all the Pervects. Now, here's what I've got in mind. We're going to give Barrik what he wants. Calypsa's going to go home and visit her parents."
"What?" Calypsa said, after she had finished a spontaneous dance for joy. "I thought you said that it would be too perilous for me and my family if I did."
"Simple," I said. "We want Barrik to think we don't suspect anything. Before her mother's broken out the baklava, Barrik will know that Calypsa is home. Nothing travels faster in a small town than gossip. They'll be talking about the fabulous treasures she's carrying. What they won't be able to tell him is whether they're real or not."
"But of course we are real, dear Aahz," Kelsa said, patiently.
"You are," I said. "But the goodies that Calypsa will be bringing to Barrik aren't."
"Should he not meet us?" Ersatz demanded. "Will we not bring our full force to bear upon this caitiff? He has insulted her family and cast her honored ancestor into durance vile."
"Sure he will meet you," I said, not able to keep myself from grinning. "Just not in the way that he expects to."
We went into a huddle.
Calypsa looked like a baby chick whose mother hen had abandoned it on the doorstep as she stood with her bag full of pseudo-Hoard swag, waiting for the portcullis of the black castle to rise. I didn't like the glee of the Dile henchmen as they marched out and surrounded her. They were plenty rough as they towed her inside. Her parents hung back on the other side of the moat with the rest of the townsfolk, clutching one another in fear. Calypsa kept her back straight.
"That's the girl," I said in a low voice. I felt pretty confident as long as she had Ersatz with her.
Even if she had no opportunity to draw him, he could talk her spirits up. The other real treasure she had with her was Chin-Hwag. I did not like the idea of the Purse falling into the clutches of the Dile wizard, but she was right about the thoughts of endless streams of gold keeping anyone from looking too closely at the fake treasures.
Tananda had done us proud. She had bounced back to Deva to shop for the fakes. I thought the substitute Asti was the best, a deconsecrated chalice from a cult that had gotten shut down by the authorities on Como for tax fraud, bedizened with a wealth of glass gems. The others were pretty good, too, though I hoped Barrik set Calypso free before he opened up the fake Payge. The scam book was a complete collection of "Danger Whelf" comics for the last fifty years, bound in genuine iron pyrite embossed covers.
"I cannot follow her now that the gate is closed," Kelsa said. "My goodness, I'm not used to feeling so helpless!"
"Read my Breaking Updates section," Payge advised us.
As directed, I turned to the header. Beneath it was a series of illustrations, quick-drawn as though they had been jotted by a court reporter. The first showed Calypsa, a tragic expression on her face, in the midst of the guards. The second was a broad image of a courtyard, huge, but with every detail suggested by quick pen strokes.
"Nice work," I commented.
"Thank you," Payge said.
"That's Barrik?" Tananda asked, pointing to a skinny figure in a cloak.
"Not very impressive," I agreed.
The evil wizard, who had moved in and taken over the town, kidnapped at least one of its most prominent citizens, and had set up a ring of spells that defeated even some of the most powerful magik items I'd ever come across, was a skinny, green-scaled geek with an overbite and poor taste in hats.
"Fedoras like that are even out of style on Imper," Tananda said.
"Wait," Payge said, groaning at the strain, "Here come some captions."
A surprised Barrik confronted Calypsa on the steps of a shining black stone dais. "I did not expect you to return… so soon."
"I want my grandfather returned to me," the girl replied, her chin held proudly high.
"In time." Barrik rubbed his hands together. "Let me see them! I want the Hoard!"
Two henchmen ran forward with the bag Calypsa had brought with her.
The next frame merely read, CLUNK!
The one after that was a pair of reptilian eyes, narrowed greedily. "Beautiful. Beautiful. I wish to see a demonstration of their powers."
"When will I see my grandfather?" Calypsa asked.
The eyes again, looking perturbed. "When I am satisfied. Now, show me!"
I heard the sound of plodding hoofbeats, and glanced up.
The ruminant-drawn cart full of vegetables groaned up the hill with one of the Walt townsfolk at the reins. I wouldn't have thought of his tunic with the fancy ruffled sleeves or the patterned silk bandanna tightly tied around his brow as go-to-market clothes, but Calypsa had assured me that Walts loved to dress up no matter what the occasion.
"Our ride's here. Come on. Let's go invade a castle."
Tananda and I lay on the bottom of the cart while the driver piled sacks of potatoes and a few sides of raw meat on top of us.
"I can keep up a verbal narration if you like," Payge said. "I do very good descriptions."
"Just the dialogue," I said. "And keep it low."
"Meanwhile," Payge said, "the brave Calypsa's companions hid themselves in a cart full of food being delivered to the castle."
"Skip the parts about us!" I hissed. "We know what's happening here. Tell me what Calypsa's doing."
"Forgive me." She stands bravely before the slavering Dile and reaches for the first of the treasures. "What is that?" Barrik askes. "A chamois? I don't remember a sponge as one of the Golden Hoard."
"O Barrik," Calypsa says. "This is Chin-Hwag, the Purse of Endless Money. She gives forth gold coins upon request."
Barrik slaveres greedily. "Give me gold. Give me lots of gold!"
Chin-Hwag frowned. "Scaly j… Er, Aahz, do I need to repeat the invective of my fellow Hoarders?"
"Not if it has no relation to the action," I said. "What's she doing?"
"Er, she spits a gold coin into the air, a Meringuian soli-dus. Barrik leapes to catch it. He seems disappointed. He wants more, a stream of gold. Calypsa asks Chin-Hwag to give him more coins. She is producing them, albeit one at a time. There goes a Devan spite. I don't believe they have minted those in six hundred years."
"Perfect," I said. "She'll keep him too busy to notice us."
"Meanwhile," Kelsa said, "we are here, and the guards intend to search the cart. Our driver will put them off successfully, but only if we do not attract attention."
"A guard produces a spear," Payge whispered. "He prods the produce. Aagh!"
"Shh!" I hissed.
"He dogeared one of my pages!"
"Shut up!" I growled.
"What's in there?" a rough voice demanded.
"Cheese curds," the amiable voice of the farmer replied. "So fresh, they squeak!"