top off a strange-looking appliance on his desk, diddled
with it briefly, then started talking into it.
"Yea Darwin? Vilhelm. I need ... sure...."
Leaning back in his chair, he tucked the gadget under
one side of his head and grabbed another.
"This is Vilhelm, Is Kay around? ... Well, put her on
when she's done...."
The second gadget slid in under the same ear as the
first and he reached for yet another.
"I know I shouldn't ask this," I murmured to
Massha, "but what's he doing?"
"Those are telephones," she whispered back as a
fourth instrument came into play. "You talk into one
end of it and whoever's at the other end can hear you
and talk back. It beats running all over town to find an
answer."
By this time, the little vampire had so many instru-
ments hung from his shoulders and arms he looked like
he was being attacked by a nest of snakes. He seemed to
be handling it well, though, talking first into one, then
54 Robert Asprin
another, apparently keeping multiple conversations
going at once like a juggler handles a basket full of
balls.
"Gee, that's kind of neat!" I exclaimed. "Do you
think we could get some of these for our place at the
Bazaar?"
"Believe me, they're more trouble than they're
worth," Massha said. "In nothing flat you find you're
spending all your time on the phone talking to people
and not accomplishing anything. Besides, ever since
they broke up the corporation...."
"I think I've got it!" Vilhelm announced, jumping
down to floor-level again. "I've got one friend for you
definite, but to be honest with you he's only so-so. I've
got call-backs coming on two others, so let's see what
they're like before you commit on the definite. Okay?"
"Ummm ... I think there's some kind of mistake
here," I said desperately, trying to stop the madness
before it progressed any further. "I'm not trying to find
a new friend. I'm trying to locate a friend I already have
who may be here in town.''
He blinked several times as this news sank in. He
started to turn back to his phones in an involuntary mo-
tion, then waved a hand at them in disgusted dismissal.
"Heck with it," he said with a sigh. "If they can
come up with anything, I can always fob 'em off on
someone else for a profit. Now then, let's try this again.
You're looking for someone specific. Are they a townie
or a transient? It would help if you gave me a little
something to go on, you know."
He seemed a little annoyed, and I would have liked to
do or say something to cheer him up. Before I could
think of anything, however, my apprentice decided to
join the conversation.
"This is quite a layout you've got, Fast Worker.
MYTH-ING PERSONS 55
Mind if I ask exactly what it is you do?"
As always, Massha's "people sense" proved to be
better than mine. The little vampire brightened notice-
ably at the compliment, and his chest puffed out as he
launched into his narration.
"Well, the job was originally billed as Dispatcher...
you know, as in Dispatcher of Nightmares. But anyway,
like any job, it turned out to involve a lot of things that
aren't on the job description. Now it's sort of a com-
bination of dispatcher, travel agent, lost and found, and
missing persons bureau."
"Nightmares?" I questioned, unable to contain my-
self.
"Sure. Anything that comes out of Limbo, be it
dreams or the real thing, comes through here. Where're
you from that you didn't know that?"
Obviously, I wasn't wild about continuing on the sub-
ject of our place of origin.
"Ahhh, can you really help us find our friend? He's
new in town, like us."
"That's right. You're looking for someone. Sorry. I
get a little carried away sometimes when I talk about my
work. New in town, hmmm? Shouldn't be that hard to
locate. We don't get that many visitors."
"He might be in jail," Massha blurted out before I
realized what she was going to say.
"In jail?" The vampire frowned. "The only outsider
in jail right now is. ... Say! Now I recognize you! The
eyes threw me for a minute. You're Skeeve, aren't
you?"
"Screen 97B!" he declared proudly, gesturing
vaguely over his shoulder. "There's someone a dozen
dimensions over from here, runs a hot dog stand, who
features you in his most frequent nightmares. You, a
dragon, and a Pervert. Am I correct in assuming that
56 Robert Asprin
the current resident in our fair jail is none other than
your sidekick Aahz?"
"To be correct, that's Pervect, not Pervert... but ex-
cept for that you're right. That's my partner you've got
locked up there, and we aim to get him out."
I was probably talking too much, but being recog-
nized in a dimension I'd never heard of had thrown me
off balance. Then again, the Dispatcher didn't seem all
that hostile at the discovery. More curious than any-
thing else.
"Well, well. Skeeve himself. I never expected to meet
you in person. Sometime you must tell me what you did
to that poor fellow to rate the number-one slot on his hit
parade of nightmares."
"What about Aahz?'' I said impatiently.
"You know he's up for murder, don't you?"
"Heard it. Don't believe it. He's a lot of things, but a
murderer isn't one of them."
"There's a fair amount of evidence." Vilhelm
shrugged. "But tell me. What's with the vampire get-
up. You're no more a vampire than I'm a Klahd."
"It's a long story. Let's just say it seemed to be the
local uniform."
"Let's not," the dispatcher grinned. "Pull up a chair
... free of charge, of course. I've got time and lots of
questions about the other dimensions. Maybe we can
trade a little information while you're here."
Chapter Seven:
"I don't see anything thrilling about it!""
—M. JACKSON
"I really don't see how you can drink that stuff," I de-
clared, eyeing Vilhelm's goblet of blood.
"Funny," he smiled in return, "I was about to say
the same thing. I mean, you know what W. C. Fields
said about water!"
"No. What?"
"Now let me get this straight," Guido interrupted
before I could get any answer. "You're sayin' you vam-
pire guys don't really drink blood from people?"
"Oh, a few do," the Dispatcher said with a shrug.
"But it's an acquired taste, like steak tartare. Some say
it's a gourmet dish, but I could never stand the stuff
myself. I'll stick with the inexpensive domestic varieties
any night."
We were all sprawled around the Dispatcher's office
at this point, sipping our respective drinks and getting
into a pretty good rap session. We had pulled Guido in
off door watch and I had dropped our disguises so my
57