keep sneaking off alone every chance you get? Do you
know what Don Bruce would do to us if anything hap-
pened to you?"
"C'mon, Nunzio. You know how things are here at
the Bazaar. If the Deveels see me with a bodyguard, the
price of everything goes through the ceiling. Besides, I
MYTH-ING PERSONS 5
like being able to wander around on my own once in a
while."
"You can afford the higher prices. What you can't
afford is to set yourself up as a target for every bozo
who wants the rep of bagging the Great Skeeve."
I started to argue, but my conversation with Aliman
flashed across my mind. Nunzio was right. There were
two sides to having a reputation. If anyone believed the
rumors at the Bazaar and still meant me harm, they
would muster such firepower for the attempt that my
odds for survival would be nonexistent.
"Nunzio," I said slowly, "you may be right, but in
all honesty what could you and Guido do to stop a
magical attack on me?"
"Not a thing," he said calmly. "But they'd probably
try to knock off your bodyguards first, and that might
give you time to get away or hit them yourself before
they could muster a second attack."
He said it easily, like you or I might say "The sun
rises in the east," but it shook me. It had never really
occurred to me how expendable bodyguards are, or how
readily they accept the dangers of their profession.
"I'll try to remember that in the future," I said with a
certain degree of grave humility. "What's more, I think
I owe you and Guido an apology. Where is Guido,
anyway?"
"Upstairs arguing with His Nibbs," Nunzio grinned.
"As a matter of fact, I was looking for you to break it
up when I found you had snuck out again."
"Why didn't you say so in the first place?"
"What for? There's no rush. They'll be arguing until
you get there. I figured it was more important to con-
vince you to quit going out alone."
I groaned a little inside, but I had learned long ago the
6 Robert Asprin
futility of arguing priorities with Nunzio.
"Well, thanks again for the advice, but I'd better get
upstairs before those two kill each other."
With that I headed across the courtyard for the foun-
tain stairs to our offices....
Courtyard? Fountain stairs?
What happened to the humble tent I was walking into
a minute ago?
Weelll... I said I was a magician, didn't I? Our little
stall at the Bazaar is bigger on the inside than it is on the
outside. Lots bigger. I've lived in royal palaces that
weren't as big as our "humble tent." I can't take any
credit for this particular miracle, though, other than the
fact that it was my work that helped earn us our current
residence. We live here rent-free courtesy of the Devan
Merchants Association as partial payment for a little
job we did for them a while back. That's also how I got
my bodyguards ... but that's another story,
Devan Merchants Association, you ask? Okay. For
the uninitiated, I'll go over this just once. The dimen-
sion I'm currently residing in is Deva, home of the
shrewdest deal-drivers in all the known dimensions. You
may have heard of them. In my own home dimension
they were called devils, but I have since learned the
proper pronunciation is Deveels. Anyway, my gracious
living quarters are the result of my partner and I beating
the Deveels at their own game ... which is to say we got
the better of them in a deal. Don't tell anyone, though.
It would ruin their reputation and maybe even cost me a
cushy spot. You see, they still don't know they've been
had.
Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes. Heading for the of-;
fices. Normally after sneaking out 1 would stop by the
stables to share breakfast with Gleep, but with a crisis
on my hands I decided to forgo the pleasure of my pet's
MYTH-ING PERSONS 7
company and get to work. Gleep. He's the dragon
Aliman was talking about... and I'm not going to try
to condense that story. It's just too complicated.
Long before I reached the offices I could hear their
voices raised in their favorite "song." The lyrics
changed from time to time, but I knew the melody by
heart.
"Incompetent bungler!"
"Who are you calling an incomplete bungler?"
"I stand corrected. You are a complete bungler!"
"You better watch your mouth! Even if you are the
boss's partner, one more word and I'll...."
"You'll what? If you threw a punch the safest place
to be would be where you're aiming."
"Izzatso?"
It sounded like I had arrived in the nick of time. Tak-
ing a deep breath, I casually strolled into the teeth of the
fracas.
"Hi, guys." I pretended to be totally unaware of
what was going on. "Anyone want a bagel?"
"No, I don't want a bagel!" came the sneering re-
sponse from one combatant. "What I want is some de-
cent help."
"... and while you're at it see what you can do about
getting me a little respect!" the other countered.
The latter comment came from Guido, senior of my
two bodyguards. If anything, he's bigger and nastier
than his cousin Nunzio.
The former contribution came from Aahz. Aahz is
my partner. He's also a demon, a Pervect to be exact,
and even though he's slightly shorter than I am, he's
easily twice as nasty as my two bodyguards put together.
My strategy had worked in that I now had their an-
noyance focused on me instead of each other. Now,
realizing the potential devastation of their respective
8 Robert Asprin
temperaments individually, much less collectively, I had
cause to doubt the wisdom of my strategy.
"What seems to be the trouble?"
"The trouble," Aahz snarled, "is that your ace ;
bodyguard here just lost us a couple of clients."
My heart sank. I mentioned earlier that Aahz and I
have more money than we know what to do with, but
old habits die hard. Aahz is the tightest being I've ever
met when it comes to money, and, living at the Bazaar |
at Deva, that's saying something! If Guido had really :
lost a potential customer, we'd be hearing about it for a i
long time. I
"Ease up a minute, partner," I said more to stall for
time than anything else. "I just got here, remember?
Could you fill me in on a few of the details?"
Aahz favored Guido with one more dark stare. I
"There's not all that much to tell," he said. "I was in
the middle of breakfast..."
"He was drinking another meal," Guido translated
scornfully.
"... when mush-f or-brains here bellows up that there
are some customers waiting downstairs in reception. I
called back that I'd be down in a few, then finished my
meal."
"He kept them waiting at least half an hour. You
can't expect customers to...."
"Guido, could you hold the editorial asides for one