So, I could say I was over it, that I recovered. But I lived with the reminder. And I’d live with the reminder every day for the rest of my life. It had gotten all bound up together. Every time I chose a one-piece bathing suit-and kept shorts on over it-every time I insisted on turning the lights off with a boyfriend, every time I held a shirt up to me to see if it showed the slightest hint of belly-it came back to me. Self-consciousness about the scars and reliving the trauma of the accident were all mixed up together. Therapists had told me for years that I had to come to terms with the scars. I thought I was finally ready to at least try.
I tried once before-with a person who said he loved me. Frankie was right about Nick-he told me right when we started going out that Nick was bad news. I should’ve listened.
I’ve known Frankie since I moved to town. He’s a sweetheart. We’ve never hung around together, but that doesn’t diminish our friendship-we just move in different circles. When we see each other, out in the street or at school-we’re friends. I’ve always liked him. And I knew he was a good soul at heart, which is why I picked him.
The thing is, if it weren’t for the scars, I don’t think I’d have any appearance issues. I’m petite, but I’m not rail-thin or anything. I have no issues with my facial features. I’m no Miss America, but I have no real issues. Except the scars. Frankie helped, with what he said. But Frankie was only one person.
He walked out of the office in front of me, to the waiting crowd. All of his friends were there. I didn’t see any of mine. Ed Bauer greeted him with, "Hey, Frankie’s naked! Another member of the ball team proudly strutting his stuff." He mock-sniffled. "Go make us proud, son." All of Frankie’s friends laughed.
I knew all these people, but not well-as I said, Frankie and I traveled in different circles. So, I was nervous as I stepped out of the office. I quickly realized why Frankie hung around with these people.
"Jesus, Cassie," Mike Kirkland, Frankie’s teammate on the ball team, said. "I never knew you were so curvy!"
"Damn right," Jared Wicklow agreed. "Cassie, you’re a babe." I glowed all over. Dammit, maybe this wouldn’t be that bad. Of course, after those nice words, they noticed. I could see them looking-and wondering what to say.
"Hey, Cassie," Ed Bauer broke the silence. "Do you know you have a map of Brazil on your stomach?"
I couldn’t help it. I laughed. Frankie looked at him like he wanted to kill him, but then eased up when he saw me laughing. No, I didn’t get offended. I knew Ed well enough to know that jokes were his thing. That was better than a horrified gasp. Especially when Ed kept it up. "Really!" he said, coming over and touching my stomach. "See, here’s the Amazon, and this one here, that’s Rio de Janeiro." I giggled-because it tickled!
"I like the little heart on her right thigh," Frankie grinned.
"Oh, yeah," Ed agreed. "Cassie," he said seriously, "what happened, anyway?" I explained about the car accident.
"Wow. And you’re going through the program?" Lily Woodard asked me. "That’s brave."
"That’s what I told her," Frankie said.
"Well, I need to. And I asked for Frankie as a partner, because we’re friends. This is really scary."
"I’ll bet," Ed said.
"And I have to go to my first class, which Frankie isn’t in," I said.
"Bio, right?" Mike asked me. "I’m in it." He turned to Frankie. "I’ll keep an eye on her."
"Knew you would," Frankie grinned. "I’ll see you third period," he said to me, and the group disbanded. Mike walked with me to bio.
"You guys really watch out for each other," I said to Mike.
"Yeah, we’re pretty close-knit. Especially those of us who’ve been through The Program. Which is Jared and Amanda, Ed and Natalie, and me and Lily." He grinned. "Now you and Frankie."
"Yeah. It’s neat that you all support one another."
"Well, you know, we know what to expect. By the way, watch out for the fondling," he grinned.
" That I can handle. Why, did you want a crack?" I teased.
"Well, let’s see-I go out with a girl who could take my head off with a well-placed fastball. And I don’t have any current Program participation myself as an excuse. So I think I’ll just walk you to class and keep my hands to myself," he grinned.
"Lily’s something else," I said. "I don’t know if she knows how much she’s a hero to a lot the girls in school. And moreso to younger girls-my sister Tanya and Frankie’s sister Rosa, who are both 12, worship her for what she did."
"Oh, Jesus, don’t ever tell her that, OK? All I need is for her ego to expand more," Mike laughed.
"She has a big ego?" I asked.
"Well, not in general. About pitching? Oh, you bet your ass," he laughed.
"I guess you’d have to have one to be that good-especially being a girl in a guy’s game."
"Oh, don’t think for a second I’m complaining," Mike said. "I love to watch some skeptical guy walk up to the plate against her-and then watch her blow him away with her ‘take that, motherfucker’ look in her eye. It’s great."
"You really love her, don’t you?" I asked.
"Yeah, I really do," he admitted.
"That’s sweet," I smiled. "Hey, look, we’re almost at class and I’ve escaped the groping."
"How’d that happen?" he laughed.
"Everyone took one look at my scars and backed away," I grumbled.
"Now, Cassie, don’t assume that." We walked into class. I heard the murmuring-but then I heard the gasps. It was unmistakable. Not everyone, but enough for me to hear. Mike just patted my shoulder and walked to his seat.
"Cassie? How are you doing?" Ms. T asked me.
"Well, the ordeal has just started," I grinned. "We’ll see."
She made me sit in front of the class. When the class quieted down, she said, "Guys, we have a Program participant in the class today. Cassie Vyshenko has decided to do The Program this week. She has a special motivation for doing so, and I’d like her to tell you about it."
So, I did. I talked about the scars, and about the accident. And I talked about the self-consciousness I had about the scars, and how it had affected my life. I told them that I hoped getting through the Program would help some of that. I got an ovation when I was done. That was nice.
My next period was Spanish, which was OK. Lily was in that class, and she sat next to me. Another one of Frankie’s friends watching out for me. It really was incredible how close-knit they were.
Third period was where the trouble began.
It was history, and it was the first period that I shared with Frankie. However, there were other people in that class. My two best friends, Missy Jenkins and Laura Elliot. And the guy I had been dating for two weeks, Paul Ribeiro.
People have wondered how I could be such good friends with Missy and Laura. Frankie hasn’t said much, but I know he doesn’t like them. When I first moved to Westport, in fifth grade, they were the first friends I made besides Frankie. And I guess I’m a creature of habit. We’ve been a threesome since then.
Yeah, I knew they could be shallow. I knew they could be judgmental. Hey, I’m not for a second going to pretend that I wasn’t guilty of both those things myself. I’m not perfect. And they could also be nice, and hanging out with them was fun.
So, I knew they could be shallow and judgmental-and I also knew they thought The Program was stupid. But I also thought I’d get some support from them-they were supposed to be my two best friends.
Talk about shattering your illusions.
" You are doing the Program?" Missy started. "Why on earth?"
"I needed to," I said simply.
Laura gasped. "Oh my God, what is all that crap on your stomach?"