"And, Mr. Tilling told me to ask you about David."
I looked up with a start. "David?"
"Mr. Tilling thinks that it’s important that you talk to me about David. Now, I don’t know why. So you have to tell me."
"David’s my program partner. He’s the one who took me to the nurse when I was assaulted. He also got in between me and another guy on Wednesday and got a black eye for his trouble. This is a guy who hated me and, on Monday, told Mr. Tilling he didn’t want to have anything to do with supporting me. But, as soon as I got in real trouble, there he was. He hasn’t left." I took a deep breath. "And I have never felt about another guy the way I feel about him. I don’t know what it is, but it’s almost overwhelming."
"Is it just gratitude?"
"No," I said. "Sure, that’s there, but that’s not all it is." I grinned. "I repaid him for his services, anyhow. I gave him a handjob on his couch Wednesday."
She cracked up laughing at that. "Has anything else happened?" I told her about him repaying the handjob yesterday morning, the picture, him asking me out, and the kiss yesterday afternoon.
"You posed in art class? That took a lot of guts."
"Hey, they wanted to draw a fat girl. So I let them."
She glared at me. "You obviously liked Natalie’s drawing of you." I nodded. "Did Natalie draw a ‘fat girl’?"
"No," I admitted. "She didn’t draw a skinny girl, but she didn’t draw a fat girl."
"Yet, she drew you."
"Artistic license," I laughed.
"I know Natalie Weinberg’s drawings, so don’t try to pull that on me," she scolded. "Natalie draws what is."
I thought about that for a minute, and said, "It took my breath away. I looked like a goddess. OK, a slightly rounded goddess. Not fat, but slightly rounded. But a goddess nonetheless." I took a breath. "That picture is hanging on Dave’s wall-if it’s not now, it will be soon, Nat’s mounting it for him. But he’s putting that picture on his wall. That scares the living shit out of me."
"You like Dave," she said simply. It wasn’t a question. I just nodded. "Why does that scare you?"
"Because I don’t know how he feels. He hated me four days ago. How can that change so quickly?"
"Because you have? Missy, if he hated you, he wouldn’t be hanging a sultry nude drawing of you on his wall. Especially one done while you were thinking of him. He wouldn’t have asked you out. He wouldn’t have kissed you. Helping you out when you were in trouble? Yeah, he wouldn’t have had to like you to do that, he would’ve just had to be a nice guy. But the rest? You only do that stuff to and for and about people you like."
"I guess I’m afraid he won’t like me when he finds out what I’m really like."
"We started this conversation with you telling me you didn’t know who you were. So why do you assume the bitchy Melissa is what you’re really like? It’s not. It’s, like you said, armor, a defense mechanism. Do you really want to be that person anymore?"
"No," I said.
"Then don’t. Melissa, you need to cultivate relationships. You need to figure out who cares about you, and that’s where you direct your energies. Cassie cares about you. David does, too. Start there. Figure out why they care about you. There’s a reason. And you know what it is-they see through all the crap. David’s seen the real Missy all week, because having the bad experience you’ve had in The Program wore your defense mechanisms down. Cassie’s been your friend for years, so she’s seen the real Missy, too. Look for validation in people who reaffirm the good things about Missy. And those that don’t, avoid them. Or, if you can’t avoid them, ignore them." She was talking about my parents, and we both knew it.
"You know why your father hates me?" she said. I nodded no. "Because one of my big theories is that adolescents have rights, even when those rights conflict with the desires and wishes of their parents. Now, this is very contrary to the pro-parental-rights movement that’s flared up in this country the past few years. But I’ve seen too many damaged kids in this office, and by far most were damaged by parents. If you were being abused, I could get you out of that house. But you’re not."
"No, I’m not, and sometimes I feel like a big fat crybaby," I admitted. "I could have it worse."
"Yes, you could, but you’re not a crybaby. Everybody deserves to be loved, Missy. You’re not unlovable. It might just be that your parents are incapable of love, did you ever think of that?"
When I left Ellie’s office, I had a lot to think about. And she told me I could come see her anytime. I think I might take her up on that.
I got back to school, undressed-alone, for a change-and went to Mr. Tilling’s office. It was about 10 minutes before the end of second period, so he told me to just wait for the bell and go to third period. With 10 minutes to kill, I did something very impulsive.
I went to the school nurse and got the birth control shot.
I’d never even thought of doing that before! And I wasn’t quite sure why I was doing it now! Was I going to try to get David into bed?
Well, maybe.
Anyhow, I got the shot, and then put it out of my mind. At least I didn’t have to worry if I did decide to get David into bed. Of course, now I didn’t have an excuse to chicken out, either. I just couldn’t stop thinking about his hand between my leg yesterday.
Anyway, since I missed the beginning of school, and second period, I didn’t see David before lunch.
"Hey," he said as I plopped into the seat across from him. "How’d your appointment go?"
"Good. Very good. She gave me a lot to think about that I kind of have to sift through, but it was good."
"That’s good. Uhm, are we still on for tonight?" He looked so worried! What, did he think I was going to see Ellie, revert to bitchy Missy, and cancel the date? I must admit, though, it was flattering how worried he looked!
"Of course we’re still on for tonight!" I said. He gave me a relieved smile. "Look, can I ask you a question? How do you feel about me?"
He looked at me intently, and sighed. Then he said, "Well, you know I didn’t think much of you before this week. But, I don’t know. Maybe I’m wondering if that wasn’t really you. Or something. This is hard to explain. But the Missy I’ve seen this week-well, I like you. A lot. I don’t know much beyond that, but I like you. I wouldn’t have asked you out if I didn’t."
"Thank you," I grinned at him. "I like you too, you know. And I’m sorry for baiting you, but I really needed to hear you say that right now."
"Good, then I’m glad I said it," he grinned back. Just then, the gang joined us.
"How’d it go with Ellie Kirkland?" Cassie asked.
"Good. Very good," I told her.
"I’m glad. Listen, if you weren’t doing anything tonight, maybe we could get together?" Oh, no, why tonight? I really wanted to repair my relationship with her, and I wanted to get together, but not tonight! "And, I was thinking, maybe Frankie could join us. And Dave, if he wanted to. We could all go do something."
I almost laughed, but managed not to. "Actually, Dave and I have a date tonight," I grinned.
"Why, did you want to double?" Dave asked.
Cassie burst out laughing. "Frankie, we’re too slow on the ball, it seems. No, this is your first date, right?" I nodded. "Nope, we’ll find something else to do. You two go out, have a good time, we’ll double some other time."
Frankie was grinning from ear to ear. "Some matchmakers we are, huh? The intended targets beat us to the punch!"
That’s when it dawned on me-and Dave, too, as we looked at each other and started laughing. "You guys were trying to set us up?" I laughed.
"Yeah," Cassie said. "We didn’t know what was going on yesterday, and with all that talk of payback and other crap, we didn’t know if you two were actually going to get together on your own or not. So, we decided to give you two a push. Not knowing that it wasn’t needed," she grinned.