Naked In School

As I walked away I felt…numb. And I was so tired of feeling numb. Look, that kind of outburst is not me. I was trying to shock him. I put things on the table I didn’t think I was capable of.

And I didn’t know if it would work. And if it didn’t?

I didn’t even want to think about that.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

ED

When she left the car I had two things running through my head.

The first was, "I can’t deal with this."

The second was, "I can’t believe she had the guts to do that!"

I needed help. I needed Ellie.

Fuck school. I walked to Mike’s house, meeting him at the door. "Hey, what’s up?" he said.

"Is your Mom around, and does she have a client right now?"

"Yes and no," he laughed. "I don’t think she has anyone today, I think she was going to work on her next book."

"You think she’d spare a minute for me?"

"Sure." He led me back in.

"Aren’t you going to school?" Ellie said as we walked in to the kitchen.

"I am," Mike said, "But Ed needs to talk to you."

"You’re a psychologist registered with the school, you can give me a note," I joked.

"Is this a business call?" Ellie said.

"Yeah," I admitted.

"Sit down," she said, pointing to the kitchen table. Mike said bye to us and took off. "You want a coke?"

"Yeah, Ellie, thanks."

She got me one, and one for herself, then sat down across from me at the table. "OK, Ed, what’s on your mind?"

"There’s this girl, my partner in the program. Natalie Weinberg."

"Mike’s mentioned her. Says you’ve done a lot for her."

"Yeah, but things have gotten very complicated." I told her everything. Starting from Natalie’s revelations yesterday morning, to what had happened yesterday afternoon, to what had been said today. She listened-interrupted once or twice with a question, but mostly listened. She was good at that.

"Oh, Eddie," she said with a sad smile when I was done, "you never get the easy ones, do you?"

"No, I leave those to Mike. The man with the ultimate in low-maintenance girlfriends," I laughed.

"Well, Lily’s a bit more high-maintenance than that. She needed reassuring that she could be accepted by a guy while still being a bit of a ‘guy’ herself. But, you’re right, outside of that, Lily’s pretty low-maintenance, from what I can see. There’s not a whole lot of angst in that relationship." She looked at me. "But you wouldn’t ever be attracted by someone like Lily, would you?"

"Romantically? No, you’re right. Don’t get me wrong, Lily’s one of my five favorite people in the universe, but just as friends. I guess I like to be needed."

"Natalie obviously needs you. Then what’s the problem?"

"The day when she stops needing me, and discovers nothing else is there. That’s my quandary. I’d be better off if I were attracted to Lily-types."

"Is that all that’s there for you?" she asked. "Her needing you?"

"No. Hell, Ellie, she’s an old film buff! Do you know how cool that is? The first time I touched her, I didn’t tell you about, we were just cuddling. It was Tuesday night. You know what I was doing? Showing her Singing In The Rain, which she’d never seen. And there’s more. There’s a lot more-she’s kind and sympathetic herself, despite her upbringing. She’s got a fire that comes out, I saw it this morning. I was sitting listening to her diatribe, and found myself liking her more. She’s smart as a whip. And-I’ll admit it-there’s a definite physical attraction there. No, it’s not just that she needs me."

"Then why do you think that what she feels is only need?" she asked, and then waved her hand. "That’s a stupid question. Annie."

"Annie," I agreed.

"Ed, let me ask you a question. Two years down the road, do you think all Annie had for you was need?"

"No. Hell, we were going out for two months-and friends long before that-before any of the shit hit the fan, you know that."

"I wonder if Annie now realizes that," she said. I looked at her. "Look, I think, at some point Annie did realize that. It was too late, of course, but Annie had to have known, deep down in her heart, that there was more to her feelings for you than that. She got confused at the moment, is all. I know what she told you, that you were too bound up in it. That’s valid for a fifteen-year-old at a moment of extreme pain like the one she was living in."

"What’s your point?" I asked.

"The point is that Annie made a mistake. You know it. I watched you two and I know it. And I’d bet the proceeds from my latest book that, sometime in the last two years, she figured it out. She made a mistake. And you’ve spent the last two years haunted by her mistake."

"Ed, what happened to you and Annie wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t because you’re too kind, or too generous, or too much of a good Samaritan. It wasn’t because you did anything wrong. It was because a young girl living through utter hell made a mistake. That’s all it was."

"Look, she boiled down your relationship to one of simply need after you found out, because she was confused. She probably did rely on you too much in those weeks-which made her more confused. Remember what she was going through. Remember the look on her face the day she found out her mother was in on the whole thing. If dumping you was the biggest mistake she made-she did OK for someone going through what she was going through. I know that doesn’t help you much," she said with a sympathetic smile.

"But I saw you two before that happened. That was genuine love, from both sides. She forgot that afterwards-but, like I said, that was her mistake."

"So, Ed, tell me-why would you think Natalie would make the same exact mistake? And, furthermore, after what she said to you this morning, why on earth would you ever think that?"

Wow. Did I say she was good, or what?

"And furthermore, from what you tell me, I think-despite the fact that she’s got some serious shit going on-that Natalie has a pretty good head on her shoulders. Keeping her nose to the grindstone in school shows some gumption and maturity and good smarts. Annie, at that point in time, did not have a good head on her shoulders. You know that, and you know why. Natalie’s right, Ed-she’s not Annie. Don’t expect her to make Annie’s mistakes."

"And as for you, Ed Bauer-you’re my second son. I’ve known you since you were eight years old. Be happy, would you please? You haven’t been happy since Annie, not really. Oh, I know, Mr. Jokes and all. And I know you adore your friends, and you adore your family, and you have a good social life and great hobbies and all. But you’re not truly happy. I of all people can see that."

"Ed, you’re a trusting soul. That’s who you are. You can’t stop trusting people because one person abused that trust-especially when that one person was very young and not in her right mind. Don’t go looking for trouble where none exists."

I sat there and thought about that one for a minute. Then I got up and hugged her.

"Ellie, you’re the smartest person in the universe, you know that?"

"You flatterer."

"That was no Eddie Haskell moment, that was genuine," I grinned.

"So, it made sense, then?" she asked.

"Ellie, you always make sense. What I’m going to do with your good sense is the question."

"Oh, you’ll figure it out. And I think you’ll do the right thing. Now, here, let me write you a note so Mr. Tilling doesn’t have a heart attack."

She wrote me the note, and I got myself back to school. Went to see Mr. Tilling. He took the note-and looked at the reason with surprise.

"You having problems, Ed?" he asked.

"Needed someone to talk to, and Ellie’s the best."

"Does this have anything to do with the uncomfortable position I put you in?" he asked.

"Somewhat," I smiled. "But don’t worry about it. I think it’s going to work out."