He tensed under my hand and pulled away, gently, but he definitely didn't want me to touch him. "Gina wouldn't like it if you knew."
"As her Nimir-Raj, aren't you supposed to protect her from abusive assholes?"
"I've done my best for her," he said, but it sounded defensive.
"Kick the guy's ass and forbid her to see him again. It's a simple problem, don't complicate it. Or is she in love with him?"
He shook his head, eyes down, his hands clutching so tight that the skin mottled. His voice came out even, normal, but that terrible tension shook through his hands. "No, she's not in love with him."
"Then what's the problem?"
"It's more complicated than you could ever imagine." He looked up, and there was anger in his eyes now.
I started to reach out, to touch him, then let my hand fall back. "If we really are forming one pard. If I really am her Nimir-Raj, then no one's allowed to hurt her. No one hurts my people."
"The wolves took your Gregory," he said. The anger was still in his eyes, trembling down his hands.
"And we're going to get him back."
"I know you've had a hard life. I've heard some of the stories, but you talk as if you're young and naive. Sometimes no matter how hard you try, you can't save everyone."
It was my turn to look down. "I've lost people. I've failed people, and they've gotten hurt, and dead." I raised my eyes to meet his gaze. "But the people who hurt them, killed them, they're dead too. Maybe I can't keep everyone safe, but I'm damn fine at revenge."
"But the harm still happens. The dead don't really walk again. Zombies are just corpses, Anita. They aren't the people you lost."
"I know that last better than you do, Micah."
He nodded. Some of the terrible tension had eased away from him, but I left his eyes haunted with some old pain that was still raw.
"I've done everything I can for Gina and the others, and it's still not enough. It will never be enough."
I touched his hands, and this time he let me slide my hands over his. "Maybe together we can be enough for them all."
He searched my face. "You really mean that, don't you?"
"Anita rarely says anything she doesn't mean," Rafael said, "but if I were her, I'd ask first what the problems are before I promised to fix them."
I had to smile. "I was just about to ask, what is Gina into that's got you so terrified?"
He turned his hands so he was holding mine tight. He looked into my eyes. The look was not love, or even lust, but so serious. "Let's save your leopard first, then ask me again, and I'll tell you all of it."
The car slowed and turned. Gravel sounded under the tires. It was the turn-off to the farm that fronted the woods around the lupanar.
"Tell me some of it now, Micah. I need something here, now."
He sighed, looked down at his clasped hands, then up, slowly to meet my eyes. "Once we were taken over by a very bad man. He still wants us, and I'm searching for a home strong enough to keep us safe."
"Why are you afraid to tell me?"
His eyes widened a little. "Most pards don't want that kind of trouble."
I smiled. "Trouble is my middle name."
He looked a little puzzled. I guess I was the only one who liked film noir. "I'm not going to kick you guys out because of some asshole alpha. Let me know which way the danger's coming from, and I'll deal with it."
"I wish I had your confidence."
There was a weight to his gaze of such sorrow, such horrible loss. It made me shiver to see it, and he let go of my hands, sliding away from me just before Merle opened the door and offered a hand out. He didn't take the hand, but he slid out into the dark.
Reece followed him with a look at Rafael, as if the rat king had told him to get out and give us some privacy. I turned to Rafael. "You have something to say?"
"Be careful of that one, Anita. None of us know him, or his people."
"Funny, I was pretty much thinking the same thing."
"Even though he can make your beast roil through your body?"
I met his dark, dark eyes. "Maybe especially because of that."
Rafael smiled. "I should know by now that you are not a person to let her affections cloud her vision."
"Oh, it can be clouded, but never for long."
"You sound wistful," he said.
"Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to actually be able to just fall in love and not weigh the risks first."
"If it works out, it's the best thing in the world. If it doesn't work out, it's like having your heart torn out and chopped up into little pieces while you watch. It leaves a big hollow space that never really heals."
I looked at him, unsure what to say, but finally, "You sound like experience talking."
"I've got an ex-wife and a son. They live in a different state, as far away from me as she could drag him."
"What went wrong, if you don't mind me asking?"
"She wasn't strong enough to handle what I am. I didn't hide anything from her. She knew everything before we married. If I hadn't been so much in love with her, I'd have seen that she was weak. It's my job as king to know who's strong and who isn't. But she fooled me, because I wanted to be fooled. I know that now. She is what she is--not her fault. I can't even regret her getting pregnant right away. I love my son."
"Do you ever get to see him?"
He shook his head. "I get to fly in twice a year and have supervised visits. She's made him afraid of me."
I started to reach out to him, hesitated, then thought, what the hell. I took his hand, and he looked startled, then smiled. "I'm sorry, Rafael, more than I can ever say."
He squeezed my hand then moved back from me. "Just thought you ought to know that falling blindly in love isn't at all the way all those poems and songs make it sound. It hurts like hell."
"I did fall in love like that once," I said.
He raised his eyebrows at me. "Not since I've known you."
"No, in college. I was engaged, thought it was true love."
"What happened?"
"His mom found out my mother was Mexican, and she didn't want her little blond-haired, blue-eyed, family tree getting contaminated."
"You were engaged before they'd met your family?"
"They'd met my father and his second wife, but they are both good little Aryans, very nordic. My stepmother didn't like pictures of my mother being out, so they were all in my room. I wasn't hiding it, but that's how my almost mother-in-law took it. Funny thing, her son knew. I'd told him the whole story. It hadn't mattered until his mom threatened to cut him off from the family money."
"Now I'm sorry."
"Your story is more pitiful."
"That doesn't make me feel better," he said, smiling.
I smiled back, but neither of us really looked happy. "Ain't love grand?" I said.
"You can answer your own question after you see Richard and Micah in the lupanar together."
I shook my head. "I don't love Micah, not really, not yet."
"But," he said.
I sighed. "But I almost wish I did. It would make seeing Richard less painful. I don't know how I'm going to feel seeing him tonight and knowing that he's not mine anymore."
"Probably about the same way he'll feel when he sees you."
"Is that supposed to make me feel better?"
"No, it's just the truth. Remember that cutting you out of his life was forced on him. He loves you, Anita, for better or worse."
"I love him, but I won't let him kill Gregory. And I won't let him cost Sylvie her life. I won't let him take the pack down to wrack and ruin because of some idealistic set of rules that only he is paying attention to."
"If you kill Jacob and his followers without Richard's permission, then he may send the pack after you and your leopards. If you are not lukoi, not lupa, then to let their deaths go unpunished would make him appear so weak you might as well let Jacob kill him."