Dawn met Jennifer’s eyes directly, her black gaze candid. “His illness has been of the spirit as well as the body.”
“I...don’t know what you mean.”
Dawn smiled gently. “I think you do.”
Jennifer said nothing, listening.
“Nitsokan…admires you very much,” Dawn said, reverting to the use of Lee’s Pikuni name, choosing her words carefully. “He is most unhappy right now.”
“I am sorry to hear that.”
Dawn’s eyes were wise. “You are an intelligent woman, Jennifer. You say the correct, polite thing, but you are thinking all the while, your mind racing as you make pleasant conversation.”
“Dawn—”
Dawn held up her hand. “Please let me finish. You did not know Nitsokan as a child, as I did. I was younger, yes, but I saw a great deal with the clarity of a child’s vision. You do not know what his life was like. He was taken away from us to play football, and he has been straddling two worlds ever since, not completely at home in either one. For a man of his strong loyalties, deep commitments, it is very difficult.”
“I can appreciate that.”
Dawn smiled again. “Can you? I think not.”
Jennifer was tired of being lectured about her lack of perception. “I am not completely without understanding, Dawn.”
Dawn folded her hands in her lap. “I see that you resent me, because you think I am his lover. I am not I wish to be, and his wife also, but he does not love me. I think he wants to, but he does not.”
Jennifer was stunned into silence. That was quite an admission.
“You look surprised,” Dawn said.
“I am. I don’t understand why you’re telling me this.”
“To help you,” Dawn said simply. “I know how hard it is to care for Nitsokan. Others have come and gone, attracted perhaps by the money and the glamour, what he calls ‘the image,’ but I sense these things mean little to you. If you were like the rest, he would not think so much of you. He has not told me this, but I have guessed. He would be very angry if he knew I was talking to you this way, but because of his regard for you, I have done so.”
Jennifer didn’t know what to say. Such generosity to a person Dawn could only view as a rival was very rare.
“I must go,” Dawn said, rising.
Jennifer walked her to the elevator. As the doors opened, she put a hand on Dawn’s arm.
“I hope he does find happiness, Dawn.”
Dawn smiled sadly. “For Nitsokan, it will not be easy. Like the sun which is his totem, he bums brightly, but with a dangerous light.” She inclined her head in farewell as the doors closed in front of her.
Jennifer stood staring at the space Dawn had occupied seconds before. The Blackfoot girl’s innate dignity and quiet self-containment had made her feel inadequate, outclassed. She shook off the notion and turned to go back to her office, colliding with Dolores.
“What?” Dolores demanded. “What?”
“You’re stuttering, Dolores.”
“Why did she come here?”
“She wanted copies of some of Lee’s releases. No big deal.”
“Then why did you look like that when you came out of your office with her?”
“Like what?”
“Like she had dropped a bomb on you.”
“Your ever-exotic imagination is working overtime again, Dolores.”
“Don’t give me that If you would only—”
“Do you like your job here, Dolores?” Jennifer interrupted pointedly.
“Boy, are you a grouch.”
“I seem to recall telling you that a memo had to be hand delivered to the city editor at the Inquirer by four o’clock. To my knowledge, you haven’t left yet.”
Dolores took her jacket from the back of her chair and picked up the envelope from her desk. “I’m gone,” she said. “But I hope your disposition has improved by the time I get back.”
Her boss reflected glumly that there wasn’t much chance of that.
* * * *
Jennifer realized that she was pregnant on a gorgeous October day at 8:30 in the morning. She had struggled to button her blouse, and when her skirt wouldn’t zip, she gave up in frustration, reaching for a looser pair of slacks instead. What on earth had she been eating to cause this? She’d been too nauseated lately to really…
Her hand froze in the act of reaching into the closet, and she slowly sank to the edge of the bed. She’d missed a period, but had thought that was caused by her bout with what she’d assumed was the flu. Until now she hadn’t connected the frequent upset stomachs, the fatigue, the general malaise with the first, and most important, clue. She sat for a few moments, thinking, and then took off her remaining clothes and examined herself in the full-length mirror.
There was no doubt about it. Her breasts were fuller and her usually flat stomach looked rounder, more pronounced. The difference was slight, but noticeable if you looked for it.
She raced to the kitchen, stark naked, and ripped the calendar off the wall. Her breath coming in excited gasps, she counted off the days, and then dropped it on the table, a look of wonder on her face. It was true.
Jennifer called her gynecologist and made an appointment for the following week. Then she called her office and said that she would be late. This was too much to absorb in a few minutes. If she tried to drive to work now, she would probably wind up in a wreck.
Jennifer’s first reaction was a surge of pure, unadulterated joy. Lee’s baby. She was going to have Lee’s baby.
Not for a moment did she consider the alternative. She wanted to be a mother, and a mother to this child in particular.
A curious calmness descended over her after the initial burst of emotion. Jennifer knew exactly what she would do. She would find another job, move away, and raise the child by herself.
Telling Lee was out of the question. His strong sense of duty would compel him to marry her, and she didn’t need a shotgun husband. If he hadn’t wanted her enough to take the step before, she would not use this as an added inducement.
Jennifer got up and headed for the bedroom to dress again, grinning to herself. Lee’s baby! Maybe it would look like him, have his smile, his easy, effortless grace. She sagged against the wall, laughing out loud. What a gas.
* * * *
Jennifer was waiting for Marilyn when she got home from work, toting a sack of groceries and Jeff’s bookbag and lunchbox. Jeff was spending the night with a friend, and had sent the day’s debris home with Mom.
“Hi, Jen,” Marilyn said, as she unlocked her door and staggered inside. “What are you doing here?”
“I need your advice.”
“What, again? Cawassa’s favorite son up to his old tricks? Come on in, just let me dump this stuff.”
Marilyn set her bundles down on the kitchen table and kept walking, finally collapsing in a living room chair. “Well?”
“I think I’m pregnant.”
Marilyn got up again instantly, raising her hand to forestall further discussion. “Don’t say anything else, I beg of you. I need a drink before I hear the rest of this.” She got a bottle and a shot glass from the dry sink in the corner and bolted two fingers before looking at Jennifer again.
“Would you mind repeating that, please?”
“You heard me the first time.”
“You think you’re pregnant Don’t you know?”
“Well, I’m new at this, Marilyn, I’ve never been pregnant before. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel. But I’m pretty sure, and I’m going to Dr. Bellini next Wednesday.”
Marilyn closed her eyes. “Jennifer, what is wrong with you? How could you be so irresponsible?”
“Don’t scold me, Marilyn. I’ve been thinking.”
“I certainly hope so.”
“I’m going to have it.”
Marilyn set her glass down with a bang. “Now I’ve heard everything. Do you realize what you’d be taking on? Raising a child is a full-time, lifelong responsibility. I’ve done it alone for years and I know what I’m talking about.”
“That’s exactly my point,” Jennifer replied. “You’ve done it, so can I. Marilyn, you have a child by a man you loved. You are reminded of him every time you look at Jeff and remember that love. I want that, too, and this is my chance to have it.”