“You realize she’s probably sick. Really, really screwed up in the head. Right, Rowen? What she needs is a psych ward, not a smack down.” Alex whipped the El Camino into the parking lot of the club they were forcing me to visit.
“No, Alex, she might need a psych ward, but she also needs a serious smack down. She deserves it.” I glared out the window and tried not to picture her face. It didn’t work. Every time I spoke or thought about her, my blood heated to boiling. The woman who’d done unspeakable things to Jesse had been sitting across a table from me sharing my food . . . and I hadn’t known.
The universe had a perverse sense of humor.
“What about his birth dad? Whatever happened to him?”
“I don’t know. Mar mentioned once that her ‘good-for-nothing’ husband had bailed on her and died of alcohol poisoning a few years later. I don’t really know. And I don’t really want to know either.” Whatever had happened to Jesse’s dad, I hoped it had been as horrific as the things they’d done to him. I hoped if he did die of alcohol poisoning, it had been an excruciating, prolonged death.
I knew having so much bitterness inside of me was poison. The revenge and rage swelling in my stomach was just as toxic. But there were only two ways to deal with it. One: to forgive, try to forget, and let love and light lead the way. In other words, bullshit. An entire galaxy of love and light wasn’t up to the task of taking on what had been done to that young boy. An entire fucking galaxy.
And two: to let the unsavory emotions take over. Obviously, that was my choice.
There wasn’t a third. There wasn’t a way to move on and play ignorant. Some things I could do that with, but that wasn’t one of them. A person who could move on and play the ignorant card on that kind of abuse didn’t have a conscience. Or a soul.
Alex found a parking spot at the back of the parking lot and threw open her door. “I can’t believe that Jesse came from an abusive situation. He’s just so damn . . . happy-go-lucky all of the time. I never in a million years would have guessed it.”
“I know.” I slid out her side while Sid got out the passenger side. I glared at the club. I wasn’t in a club mood. I wasn’t in any kind of mood that could put up with loud music, strong alcohol, and dry-hump-dancing.
“He’s pretty much got to be the strongest person ever.”
I answered with a nod.
“Not to mention he’s good looking in a holy-shit-are-you-real kind of way, takes the best care of his girl, has the best smile I’ve ever seen, and has a strength of character that’s unparalleled.” Alex draped her arm over my shoulders. From the suffocatingly-tight vinyl top she had on, the motion made a strange sound. “You’re letting him get away because . . .?”
Jesse was a hard topic for me those days. Like it was hard to talk about a person I’d loved right after burying them. That was the same kind of feeling I had when it came to Jesse. Essentially, I had lost him. He wasn’t six feet under, but the five hundred miles of separation felt just as bad.
“I’m not letting him get away, Alex. He broke up with me.” I don’t know how many times I had to tell her that, but that was the last time. I couldn’t say those words again.
“Please. That boy adored you, Rowen. That boy would walk through a fire for you and, when he looked at you, I swore I finally understood what that whole unconditional love thing was all about.” Thanks to Alex’s six-inch spike heels on her red boots, our journey to the club entrance was slow going. Even though I didn’t feel like clubbing, I felt less like talking about Jesse. “And with all of that, you expect me to believe that he had a few bad days and decided to call it off with you? You expect me to believe that right now, that boy, wherever he is, isn’t feeling like a damn knife’s sticking out of his chest?”
“I don’t know. Jesse and I haven’t exactly talked in a while, so I don’t know what he’s up to or how he’s feeling. I can give you his number, and you can find out if you’re so interested.” Cue the bitterness making its way into my voice.
“You really haven’t tried calling him? Not even when you wake up in the middle of the night and your finger happens to accidentally bump his number?”
“No, I really haven’t. And you know what? He hasn’t tried calling me either.” I didn’t care that she had on stilts; I booked it toward the entrance. All the talk of Jesse made me need a drink. Even though I had a fake I.D., I didn’t drink every time I went out. Given my excessive history with alcohol, I figured that was a good policy. But that night, I needed a drink. Actually, I wanted to get rip-roaring drunk because at least then I wouldn’t be able to think about Jesse anymore.
Alex wanted to say something else. I could tell from the look she gave me, but that was when Sid suddenly decided to join in on the conversation.
“How’s the decision coming along with the internship? You know, if you choose not to take it and stay at Mojo over the summer, I’ll give you another raise,” he said.
I exhaled. That was a topic I could talk about with relative ease. “I still haven’t decided. They said they’d give me another week to make up my mind before offering it to the student behind me. And thanks for the raise offer. I’ll make sure to take it into consideration.” I shot Sid a little smile. He was a pretty good guy, and I could always use one of those in my corner. There were too few of them out there as it was.
Someone else I’d had little to no contact with over the past few weeks? Jax Jones. First, the little weasel pulled that stunt in my apartment, then later told me it was an honest mistake. Then after finding out through the grapevine about Jesse’s and my split, he’d called me, not even a week later, to ask me on a date. After the earful I gave him, he hadn’t so much as looked my way when we passed in the hallway. As much as I wanted to give people the benefit of the doubt, some people had reputations for a reason. Apparently Jax was one of those people.
Alex gave me a quick squeeze before we wove through the club’s entrance. “Let’s have a good time tonight, okay? You deserve one.”
I nodded. Not because I thought I was actually capable of having a good night so soon after the break up to end all break ups, but because Alex had gone out of her way to try to cheer me up. I could pretend it was helping as a way to show my gratitude.
The club was very Seattle cool. During spring break my senior year of school, I’d gone to a nightclub in L.A. with my boyfriend of the month. It’s a long story . . . Anyways, that club, the L.A. glamour scene, was the polar opposite to a Seattle club. Seattle was full of rich tech nerds who still lived with their moms, gray-suited business women who’d forgotten how to smile, and young hipsters who thought world peace was a possibility. There wasn’t a market for glam up there.
The club was understated, the music wasn’t too loud, the majority of people had some locally made craft beer clutched in their fist, and there wasn’t a single sequin to be found. As clubs went, it was a solid spot to get together and pass the night away with friends. There were worse places I could have been.
There were also better places, much better places, but I tried not to think about that anymore. I could have called any of the Walkers, Garth, or Josie to talk. I knew none of them would hang up on me. They were the closest thing to family I had. But they’d been Jesse’s family first. They were his before they were mine, and I didn’t want to put them in the awkward position of choosing sides. I would never force them to make that choice, but it was human nature to pick sides. It was hard to be neutral. So I hadn’t talked to anyone at Willow Springs in weeks. It wasn’t a tenth as painful as not talking to Jesse, but it hurt like hell just the same.
I followed Alex and Sid through the crowd as they made their way to a free table in the back.
“What do you ladies want? I’ll go start a tab.” Sid pulled out a chair for Alex and one for me.
“Surprise me,” Alex answered, tugging on one of Sid’s dreads.
“Rowen?”
I wanted a shot. Actually, I wanted a line of them. Hold that . . . How about just bring me a bottle? That’s what I wanted. It’s not what I needed, though. I plopped into my chair and sighed. “I’ll have an amber.”