Crile Fisher shook his head, and said nothing.
Tessa Wendel watched him thoughtfully, then said, almost testily, ‘What's the matter with you? Are you in such a great hurry also?’
Fisher said soothingly, ‘I'm sure you're as anxious to get this done as anyone, but I do long for a practical hyperspatial ship.’
‘You, more than someone else?’
‘I, quite a bit.’
‘Why?’
‘I'd like to go to the Neighbor Star.’
She glared at him. ‘Why? Are you dreaming of reuniting with the wife you abandoned?’
Fisher had never discussed Eugenia with Tessa Wendel in any detail, and he had no intention of being trapped into it now.
He said, ‘I have a daughter out there. I think you can understand that, Tessa. You have a son.’
So she did. He was in his early twenties, attending Adelia University, and he occasionally wrote his mother.
Wendel's face softened. ‘Crile,’ she said, ‘you mustn't allow yourself false hopes in this. I'll grant you that since they knew about the Neighbor Star, that's where they went. With merely hyper-assistance, however, the trip must have taken over two years. We can't be sure that Rotor survived such a trip. And even if they did, the chances of finding a suitable planet around a red dwarf star is just about zero. Having survived that far, they might then have traveled on in search of a suitable planet. Where? And how would we find them?’
‘I imagine they knew there was no hope for a suitable planet around the Neighbor Star. Wouldn't they have been prepared, therefore, simply to put Rotor into a suitable orbit around the star?’
‘Even if they survived the flight, and even if they went into orbit around the star, it would be a sterile life, and there might be no possibility of continuing it for long in any form compatible with civilization. Crile, you've got to steel yourself. What if we manage to organize the expedition to the Neighbor Star and find nothing at all, or at most, the empty hulk of what is left of Rotor?’
Fisher said, ‘In that case, that would be that. But surely there must be a chance that they survived.’
‘And that you'll find your child? Dear Crile, is it safe to build your hopes on that? Even if Rotor survived and your child survived, she was only one year old when you left her and that was in '22. If she appeared before you right now as she now is, she'd be ten years old, and if we went out to the Neighbor Star at the earliest practical moment, she would be fifteen. She wouldn't know you. For that matter you wouldn't know her.’
‘Ten years old, or fifteen, or fifty. If I saw her, Tessa, I would know her,’ said Fisher.
19. Remaining
Marlene smiled hesitantly at Siever Genarr. She had grown used to invading his office at will.
‘Am I interrupting you at a busy time, Uncle Siever?’
‘No, dear, this is not really a busy job. It was devised so that Pitt could get rid of me, and I took it and kept it so that I could be rid of Pitt. It's not something I would admit to everyone, but I'm compelled to tell you the truth since you always spot the lie.’
‘Does that frighten you, Uncle Siever? It frightened Commissioner Pitt, and it would have frightened Aurinel - if I had ever let him see what I could do.’
‘It doesn't frighten me, Marlene, because I've given up, you see. I've just made up my mind that I'm made of glass as far as you're concerned. Actually, it's restful. Lying is hard work when you stop to think about it. If people were really lazy, they'd never lie.’
Marlene smiled again. ‘Is that why you like me? Because I make it possible for you to be lazy?’
‘Can't you tell?’
‘No. I can tell you like me, but I can't tell why you like me. The way you hold yourself shows you like me, but the reason is hidden inside your mind and all I can get about that are vague feelings sometimes. I can't quite reach in there.’ She thought for a while. ‘Sometimes I wish I could.’
‘Be glad you can't. Minds are dirty, dank, uncomfortable places.’
‘Why do you say that, Uncle Siever?’
‘Experience. I don't have your natural ability, but I've been around people for much longer than you have. Do you like the inside of your own mind, Marlene?’
Marlene looked surprised. ‘I don't know. Why shouldn't I?’
‘Do you like everything you think? Everything you imagine? Every impulse you have? Be honest, now. Even though I can't read you, be honest.’
‘Well, sometimes I think silly things, or mean things. Sometimes I get angry and think of doing things I wouldn't really do. But not often, really.’
‘Not often? Don't forget that you're used to your own mind. You hardly sense it. It's like the clothes you wear. You don't feel the touch of them because you're so used to their being there. Your hair curls down the back of your neck, but you don't notice. If someone else's hair touched the back of your neck, it would itch and be unbearable. Someone else's mind might think thoughts no worse than yours, but they would be someone else's thoughts and you wouldn't like them. For instance, you might not like my liking you - if you knew why I liked you. It is much better and more peaceful to accept my liking you as something that exists, and not scour my mind for reasons.’
And inevitably, Marlene said, ‘Why? What are the reasons?’
‘Well, I like you because once I was you.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I don't mean I was a young lady with beautiful eyes and the gift of perception. I mean that I was young and thought I was plain and that everyone disliked me for being plain. And I knew I was intelligent, and I couldn't understand why everyone didn't like me for being intelligent. It seemed unfair to be scorned for a bad property while a good property was ignored.’
‘I was hurt and angry, Marlene, and made up my mind that I would never treat others as people treated me, but I haven't had much chance to put that good resolution into practice. Then I met you, and you come close. You're not as plain as I was by far, and you're much more intelligent than I ever was, but I don't mind your being better than me.’ He smiled very broadly. ‘It's like giving myself a second chance - with advantages. But come, I don't think that is what you came to talk to me about. I may not be perceptive in your sense, but I can tell that much.’
‘Well, it's my mother.’
‘Oh?’ Genarr frowned with a sudden obvious and almost painful increase in interest. ‘What about her?’
‘She's just about finished her project here, you know. If she goes back to Rotor, she'll want me to go back with her. Must I?’
‘I think so. Don't you want to?’
‘No, I don't, Uncle Siever. I feel it's important that I stay here. So what I would like you to do is to tell Commissioner Pitt that you would like to keep us here. You can make up an excuse that sounds good. And the Commissioner, I'm pretty sure, will be quite glad to have us stay, especially if you explain that Mother has found out that Nemesis will destroy Earth.’
‘Has she told you that, Marlene?’
‘No, she didn't, but she didn't have to. You can explain to the Commissioner that Mother will probably annoy him continually with her insistence that the Solar System be warned.’
‘Has it occurred to you that Pitt would not be keen on obliging me? If he gets the idea I want to keep Eugenia and you here in the Erythro Dome, he's liable to order you back to Rotor just to annoy me.’
‘I'm quite sure,’ said Marlene calmly, ‘that the Commissioner would much rather please himself by keeping us here, than displease you by taking us back. Besides, you want Mother here because you're - you're fond of her.’