I hold onto his hand for dear life, my body trembles as my tears reach my lips. Desperate to leave, I try to get up and leave the table. I need a breather. Only Micah’s not allowing that to happen, he firmly tightens his hold on me under the table. I’m stuck here, so I quickly take my other hand to wipe my cheeks. Nick ends up handing me a napkin. Not to make it obvious because Micah refuses to give up my one hand, I take my other hand to take the napkin from Nick.
“You still love her, don’t you?” Liza’s question seems like a statement more than a question. Her eyes never leave Micah’s visibly shaken face.
Without pause, he graciously answers. “I don’t know if I’ve ever stopped, that part of my heart has been sealed off for years. I never knew if I would ever see her again.” His voice cracks forcing him to take a shakey drink. “This week has been one of the hardest of my life, only second to the week I left town…left her.” Slowly, his eyes leave her to settle on mine before his charmingly sweet smile hits me.
Resting his arms on the table, Nick leans closer my way. “Are you still in love with him, El?” he asks cordially.
My heads ponders with his question. Not able to concentrate on anything or anybody, I ask myself ‘how the hell do I answer this?’ Do I let my brain answer or my heart? Do I even know, myself? “What?” My lips say the word but it’s my eyes that find it hard to focus on Nick’s conflicted face.
“Just be honest with me,” his words are heartfelt, not an ounce of anger. “We all deserve to know how you feel since Micah pretty much laid out his feelings for you.” How is this possible, is it true? I can’t trust myself right now to believe anything, had I heard him right?
Pain and sorrow are the only emotions I’ve grown accustomed to living with over the years. Right now, both of those emotions are simmering getting ready to overtake every new tear that escape my eyes. Sobs escape past my throat, and I’m desperately searching for a way to tell them how I’m feeling when I’m not sure myself. To say I’m conflicted is an understatement.
“I don’t know how I should be feeling.” A whirlwind of emotions flurry in my mind eager to see which one takes the top spot of my heart. Being forced to explain how I suddenly feel after five freaking years, not only hurts, it angers me. It’s only been a short time that Micah’s been back in my life. They are expecting me to know exactly how I feel. What they don’t understand is not everything is cut and dry, black and white…sometimes things are gray.
“I’m not sure.” It’s the most honest answer I’ve got. “When you’ve loved someone like I did, it’s not easily forgotten.” Snapping my eyes between Nick and Liza, I’m trying not to come across bitchy or rude. Micah is dead silent, but hidden to prying eyes, he’s holding onto my hand in a death grip.
I continue.
“Obviously, my pain is no secret, so I can’t lie and say I’m fucking great! I’m not, and I don’t have an answer for you because I don’t know.”
“El,” Nick tries to soothe me with his hand as he reaches out to rest it on my arm. “No one expects any of us to be fine. But we need to be honest enough to say that everything has changed.” He replies, lingering his eyes between the three of us before settling on Micah.
“I knew the minute you entered her life again, everything would change. How could it not? The Elsa that finally got over you and let me in—dissapeared the moment she laid eyes on you. The way she looked at you, well a blind man could figure out how much her love still burns for you. I’m not happy about it, but I can’t deny my friend the love of her life, either. No matter how fucked I think it is.”
“I can’t…excuse me.” Liza jumps up from the table and rushes out the front door, not bothering to close it on her way out.
Not a second later Micah stands. “Liza, wait.” He says nothing else, he followed after her.
Nick’s left to stare at his plate, his expression unreadable. That leaves me sitting with my hands in my lap. The warmth my hand once had when Micah held it is now cold, and alone. My tears are flowing strong and the sudden urge to flee overtakes me. I get up from the table, in need of a hot shower. I’m sure Nick will get the hint and leave, at least I hope!
I undress in a hurry and turn the shower on as hot as I can stand it. As I climb in, I let the water pierce my skin, embracing the pain. My hushed cries escape and flow down the drain along with my tears. I can’t imagine how many times I’ve been in this same situation…left crying in the shower. Too many to count.
Wrapped in my towel, I can’t help noticing my eyes are puffy and bloodshot. As I dry my hair with my towel, I keep my head down walking to my room without giving a second thought about dinner or the dirty dishes. I’m going to crawl under my covers and stay there for the rest of the weekend. Thankfully, Nick took the hint and left after Liza and Micah’s fast departure. It was easy for me to understand how discouraged Nick may be at this point. He can see the writing on the wall, I’m in no means ready to carry on a relationship with him. I need to come to terms with Micah, and what that means. God only knows what’s happening between them. I’m sure Liza hearing Micah admit to her that he never stopped loving me, was a hard pill to swallow and I can’t blame her. The poor thing is smack dab in the middle of whatever it is between me and Micah.
As darkness fills my room, I’m left unsettled with every tear that escapes my eyes. I glance at my clock, and realize it’s been three hours since Liza took off. Leaving like she did, all upset makes me sad. The last thing I want is to hurt her. A part of me can’t help taking the blame for it all. I didn’t think I could sink any further, but I guess I was wrong.
Just then, I hear my front door open and close…then lock. I relax letting out a sigh, I’m relieved she’s home and safe. But scared she may not want to see me, so I decide to stay where I am, and see if she’ll come to me.
I’m quiet like a mouse hearing my door slowly swing open. My body’s turned away from the door, and my eyes are closed. I’m hoping she’ll think I’m asleep, because I don’t have the energy to have a long, drawn out talk. Not tonight. I hold my breath, waiting for her to say something or better yet turn around and go to her room.
Yet nothing. I realize I’m mentally ticking off the seconds.
As I let out a hesitant sigh, I feel my bed dip as someone sits down next to me. Guess, I can’t hide from this. I turn my head, and can see who crawled into my bed as the brightness of the moon sends a ray of light, hitting my bed. It highlights my visitor perfectly, lightening up his face.
“Micah,” I whisper in total shock.
“Hey, pretty girl. I had to come back and check up on you.”
My eyes squint as I struggle to look over his shoulder. “Where’s Liza?”
His head tilts to the side before he sighs. “My place, she is out cold. Had too much to drink, and passed out like a light. I took her keys, and came back here, hoping like hell Nick was not still here.”
I let out a timid ‘ah.’ Answering his prayer, I say, “He left, and I don’t expect him back anytime soon.”
Micah’s eyes widen, registering what my words could potentially mean. “Left as in for good?”
Yeah, he sounded a little hopeful!
I nod, with my lips tightly closed. “It was a mistake to think we could ever be more than friends. It wasn’t meant to be, he saw it, and so did I.” This is the first time since Micah came back into the picture, that I’ve admitted to anyone, including myself, that Nick and I were never going to work.