Stretching out my hand I invite him to come with me. I need him more than ever. This is not the way I wanted him to find out. But he now knows the truth. I’m desperate for him to reel in his emotions long enough so I can explain. Oh God, I want the chance to tell him my side of this story. How can he be mad at me? He was the one who left; I was the one dealing with a baby. Surely, he will see this…wouldn’t he?
His lips snarl, his nose flares, and he’s not backing down an inch. I can see my hope of reaching him slipping away. He’s far to seething mad to ration with.
Dejected, he is looking at my outstretched hands like they are most vile. “Tell me right God Damned now!” His says with his lips pressed tightly, and his eyes narrowing on me. It’s not a welcome feeling. It’s potent and I’m feeling more insecure by the minute.
The guttural roar of his voice is even more threatening with his angry stance. Standing tall, defiant, and ready to explode, he’s way beyond reasoning with. Matt is all but shouting, trying to get him to calm his ass down. Taking a glance over at my parents, they stare with a smug expression on both of their faces.
“Hey bro,' don’t lose it now. Take a few deep breaths, and go talk with El. You two need to talk this out man.” Matt is toe to toe with his brother, forcing Micah to back down. I know Micah would never hurt his brother, but he’s not thinking clearly. I’m fearful Matt’s going to get punched in the face. Please listen to Matt, I silently pray.
Matt’s the only adult right now, finally a voice of reason.
Unfortunately, Micah’s not hearing him at all when he pushes back. “FUCK THAT, I want to know why the hell I never knew? Why keep it from me, Elsa?”
He’s not stopping, he keeps pushing, but doesn’t stop for a second to hear me out. I knew he’d be upset, but not at me. If he would just take a second to step back and breathe. He doesn’t, he’s yelling at my parents, he’s shouting to the sky… and he’s back to yelling at me.
Frustrated, hurt and getting more disgusted by the minute, I let him have it. What am I going to lose? They are all pushing me past my melting point. Micah’s anger is misplaced, it should be at my parents, not me. “Are you kidding me right now! Seriously?” Holding my hands up, I don’t even know how to deal with him right now. This nitpicking he’s doing with me is beyond ridiculous.
“Yeah,” this time he’s dropped his shouting to a mild yell. “I guess I am.” His body relaxes some as he lowers his shoulders. Matt is standing close to him, and my parents are still on the front steps, quiet, but ever so smug looking. Their faces void of any compassion.
Sagging my shoulders, I close my eyes tight, fighting back the sting of pain this is causing me. “You left Micah; I had no idea where you were. I found out after you left me. After you broke it off with me.”
Opening my eyes, I’m pleading for his understanding. My throat is sore from all the shouting. I’m sure the neighbors by now have come to see what’s happening at the Winter’s household.
My finger shakes violently as I lift it right at Micah’s chest. We are close, but I left some space all the same. The moment I’ve always feared is being played out in front of my eyes. My parents are present, Micah is beyond furious and poor Matt looks confused as hell. If I could just wish myself away.
He takes two steps back. “Come on Elsa, you could have told Matt or my parents.” This time his face and body language looks drained. Crossing his arms he appears to be in more control of his emotions at the moment.
The calmer side of him is much more pleasant than the screaming lunatic from a few minutes ago, but he still has a sour edge to his voice.
The husky voice of my dad startles us all. “Listen kid, you knocked my little girl up and took off. Like hell, would I let her embarrass herself, or us, with that announcement?” My dad’s distaste for Micah is rearing its ugly head, he’s even telling him how much I embarrassed them. Ouch!
Matt’s relaxed behavior has taken on a sudden change as he’s now swearing and kicking the grass. He’s in disbelief. It’s one thing to know he has a nephew, but hearing how my parents felt towards me is chilling in itself. He’s struggling to catch a breath with his hands on his knees. He’s visibly shaken to his core.
Walking up to my dad, Micah’s mellow mood is gone, replaced with bewilderment. “Are you serious? It was my kid you were talking about, let alone your daughter. I loved her, she was everything to me!” He says deadpan.
Not backing down, my dad strikes back. “Funny way of showing it.” He’s pushing Micah’s buttons and I wish he would just, shut the hell up. I wouldn’t blame Micah for taking a swing at dear old dad.
“Yeah,” Micah asks him. “You think you know me or what I had to do?… you don’t.” Turning his body, the look I get from Micah scares me shitless. It’s like he just ate something sour. “So what Elsa, you got rid of my kid… you aborted it?”
I froze not sure if I’m mortified or shellshocked?
I’ll go with utterly shocked. And sickened. Stumbling to my knees, I feeling like the wind was just knocked out of me. My chest constricts while I grab my throat struggling to breathe. “WHAT, you think I got an abortion?” That idea is so vile I taste it in the back of my throat. He believes that’s what I did. It must be because the look he is giving me—says it all. His anger is because he thinks I got rid of his child. Of all the things, this is the lowest I’ve ever been. Losing Micah, giving up Michael, none of it compares to how I feel right now. This is a new low.
Through tear filled eyes, I drift my gaze between each and every one of them. Matt, who I thought might understand me the most, looks uncomfortable at best. His eyes look helpless. My mother is chatting in my dad’s ear. I don’t even get their attention it seems. Then lastly, I hold my breath to look directly at Micah. He’s detached from any emotion, he simply is studying me. My look, my body language, any sign or clue.
Eyes raised, he roars, “Well, where is my kid then?”
It’s hard not to hate him with everything I got right now. I understand he’s dealing with emotions he has no clue how to handle, but he keeps pushing me and pushing me. If we were alone, that would be one thing. But, to do it here with my parents…it’s not the right time or place for this.
Oh My God! His lack of having a normal conversation with me pisses me off. Like now, he’s carrying on with his theatrical groaning, and continual questions. He never pauses enough for me to answer. Okay, Micah you want it right now…well fine!
On wobbly legs I go to stand. “Fuck you, Micah. Maybe if I knew how to get in touch with you, I would have told you. I had NO ONE! NO, ONE!” I scream so loud, my damn throat cracks. I can’t keep up with wiping away my tears, so I let them fall. I’m focused on enlightening Micah. He wanted this. “I was ALL ALONE, my parents were embarrassed by me, their daughter. I was forced to live with my aunt for six months. I had to give him up for adoption and then return home to tell everyone I was on a six-month vacation.” Retelling my past feels like it should be someone else’s horrid past, but sadly it’s mine. Makes it that much more vile.
“Jesus Christ,” Matt says under his breath.
“What the hell?” Micah can barely form the words. “This is so fucked up.” He wipes his face with his hands, in disbelief, and shock most likely
“All this time…” He stops mid-sentence, searching my eyes. He’s looking for the right words to say. I can see the fight in his eyes. He wants to comfort me, but he also needs to come to terms with the fact he has a child. He’s just not handling the news well.
Throwing his hands in the air, he shakes his head. Anger washes over him once again. “I’ve got to get out of here,” he says flustered, anxious even. “Elsa, you should have gone to my parents. If they had known you had MY BABY, they would have helped you.”