I’m still worried. She needs to eat a protein-rich diet in order to heal, and she’s just picking at her hay and grain. Maybe it’s because of the pain? It’s a cycle, then—not eating because of the pain, and not getting pain meds because she’s not eating. I go into the tack room to call Dr. Wells and see I have a text message from Lori.
Lori: OMFG look at Aiden’s Insty NOW!!!!
Great. Did he post that horrible photo? Part of me is frantic to see it, but part of me doesn’t even want to know. Ignorance is bliss, right? I already follow him on Instagram; he posts a lot of shirtless pictures of himself. Call me shallow, but I like to look at them. Lori even photoshopped me into one as a joke once and posted it on Facebook.
Oh, God. I never thought I’d be—what were we? Just friends—a love interest, perhaps—with Aiden. Never, ever. I still don’t believe it. The only thing making this all seem real is knowing my heart is likely to get broken in the end.
I bite my lip and log into Instagram. I have to scroll through a few other posts before I see it, see the picture of Aiden and me standing next to the foal. My hair is up in a messy ponytail. I’m holding the bottle with one hand, and the other is around the foal. I’m turned toward Aiden, a slight smile on my face. I scrutinize myself right away. My eyes are narrowed a bit, and my skin is uneven. My hair is a mess, and the sweatshirt doesn’t show any figure.
Aiden looks perfect, of course, and the baby horse is adorable. I look at myself again and realize I look happy. His snide comment worked, and I’m staring at him, our eyes locked, like we’re more than just friends. Then I read the caption.
So, I met someone. Someone pretty damn incredible, someone who will sacrifice her sleep and sanity to help the helpless, to give second chances to those deemed hopeless, those who others have already given up on. And this, folks, is what true beauty looks like. #BeTheChange #NurseMareFoals #SecondChances
I look up, blinking, then read the caption again. And again. And again. No, I’m dreaming. I black out my screen and step out of the tack room. No fucking way. I unlock the phone and log back on to Instagram. Yep, that’s really me looking lovingly into Aiden’s eyes, and him looking back at me just the same. And those are really his words typed under the image, and those thousands of likes and comments are really there.
I know right away that I shouldn’t read them. I can only imagine the mean things his fangirls would say, and reading that I’m fat and ugly isn’t something I want to do. Not now, not ever. But I can’t stop myself, and I press Load more comments, as if something is controlling me. There are a few broken hearts and crying emojis in response to Aiden’s words, “So I met someone”, since it comes off as more than I’m letting myself believe. But more than anything, there is an overwhelming amount of supportive comments, and I see several people talking about nurse mare foals, saying they hadn’t heard of it before but looked it up. Some even ask how they can help.
I smile and suddenly feel so small. It’s crazy how big of a response Aiden can get from a picture he posted fifty-three minutes ago. Having that kind of platform could raise so much awareness. And it might be even crazier to know that many people are looking at me right now, judging me like I’ve judged the random girls in Aiden’s prior posts for no reason at all.
It’s too much to think about. I set the phone down and pick up a rake, then remember the whole reason I got my phone was to call the vet. I’m shaken from the social media reverie, landing hard into the real world. Likes and comments aren’t going to make Phoenix eat. I call and leave a message for Dr. Wells, then crush up another pain pill and mix it with sweet feed and syrup, but that doesn’t fool Phoenix. I sigh and go inside. I have to pee and need to shower. Sleep would be nice, but with the foal needing to be fed soon, and the acidic ball of worry over Phoenix eating away at my stomach, I know that’s not possible.
I lay the bills out on the counter and hang my head at the end of the day. I refuse to cry over money. There has to be a way to cut costs somewhere. The cable…yeah, that can go. I don’t have much time to watch TV anyway, and I’ll have Lori DVR anything I’m dying to see (like when Shadowland starts up again next year). I need the Internet for work, and let’s be real—who can function without it anymore? I could turn off the air. It is hot, but I could manage. I’m at work most of the week, and Chrissy can stay in the barn where it’s cooler from the shade of the trees surrounding it. I’d have to cut down on long, hot showers too. Now I know why Mom always bitched about me taking twenty-minute showers.
The little bit I had set aside for groceries was gone. After talking to Dr. Wells about Phoenix not eating, I drove up to town and into the clinic to get a vial of injectable medication. She gave it to me at cost and it still hurt.
I get up and dump a box of macaroni into a pan of boiling water. I’m almost out of milk, and for a second I consider using a pinch of the foal’s formula. I sigh. Even if that weren’t gross, I couldn’t take it away from her. I sit back down and stare at the impossible numbers in front of me. Frustration builds inside, and it takes everything I have not to crumble up the bills and throw them across the room.
My phone rings, and I snap my head around, anger leaving me. Aiden said he would call, though I didn’t really expect him to…but at the same time I thought me might. He was messing with my head in the worst way. And my heart—don’t even get me started on that.
It’s Lori again. Oh, right. I was supposed to call her hours ago.
“Hey, lady,” I say when I answer.
“Oh my God,” she starts. “You hate me, don’t you? You fucking hate me.”
I laughed. “Completely despise you, actually.”
“I knew it. Now that that’s out of the way…spill! Unless he’s still there. Oh my God, is he?”
I laughed again. “No, he’s gone.”
“You’re killing me.”
I sit on a barstool and look out at the barn. I can see Phoenix from here; she’s still in the back of her stall, head down and unmoving. My stomach twists. “Well, I totally and completely ruined dinner.”
“How so?”
I tap my nails on the counter. I hadn’t told anyone about the flashbacks until last night. And telling Aiden seemed safe somehow. Deep down I knew he would leave and take my secrets with him. He isn’t going to pester me and tell me I need to start taking medication again or sit in a leather chair and tell a shrink my problems. My therapy can be done in a leather saddle instead…if I ever find it in me to ride again.
“I had a breakdown about Mom,” I say, and I feel like I’m lying, even though it’s the truth. “I started crying, and he was totally patient and kind.”
“Skip to the part where he spent the night.”
“We didn’t have sex,” I tell her. “The foal totally cock-blocked him.”
Lori laughs. “Wait. That baby needs feeding every few hours. So he stayed and took care of a baby horse with you and didn’t try to get in your pants? Holy fuck, he is perfect, Haley. If you don’t want him, throw him this way!”
“What about Kit?”
“Meh,” she says, and I know she doesn’t mean it. She loves that man. “That picture was the cutest thing ever.”
“I look horrible.”
“You really don’t. Then what happened?”
My lips curve into a smile. “I fell asleep and woke up to him bottle-feeding the foal. She was snuggling on his lap, and it might have melted my heart. Then we came inside, I made breakfast, and we went back to the barn. And…” I draw out. “He kissed me.”
“Ah! Yes! How was it?”
“It was really good. He’s a good kisser, which makes sense since he does a lot of kissing on screen.”